You Say Tomato I Say The Housing Market's Fine

Hoop recently welcomed us back to blogging and pointed us to this old Kneecapped post (reposted below) and made this comment:

I think we all know how that turned out. Fair and balanced my ass!

Here it is:

Repost from 12/27/06 (Note: Before we used the Royal we)

I don't know who's spinning what, but these two news wires (Yahoo! on top, Fox News below) took the same data and news story and attached completely opposite headlines to them, Fox being more optimistic. READERS NOTE: Please try and ignore the Penis Cartoon/STD story on the Fox wire.

The Demise of Kneecapped.

Kneecapped has been on a steady decline the past few months. Most of it is my fault. I was slowing things down and was pretty much on a part time schedule. Then I had my biggest night ever right after the State of the Union Address and I got sucked back into it. Kneecapped is a seductive mistress, she is. This past week, however, has taken a toll on this here site.

First off, I’m going to bitch about Technorati for a minute. Technorati doesn’t credit all of all my links. Geoff has linked to me a bunch of times, but Technorati has not picked up on this and other links as well. I linked to The Bestest Blog of All Time with a promise of getting a link in return. It was a weak moment I know, but I’m a link whore, okay. Sue me. The punishment for my vanity? Technorati has not credited this link either.

Second, Technorati took away three of my links. So what if they were links from porn directories attracted to my blog because of my extensive writings on tapirs and the weirdoes who search for sex photos of the beast? They shouldn’t have taken my links away especially since they don’t credit me for the legitimate sites that link here.

The downfall of Kneecapped doesn’t stop there. What happened next? Well, TrailerSpy, a site I linked to in its infancy because my wife knew the girl who was starting it up, dropped me from their blogroll. They had returned the favor to me adding me to their “Friends of TrailerSpy” list, but I went back on their site and my link is gone. True, my site only gets 20 hits per day and I’m routinely ignored throughout the blogosphere, but does that give you the right to throw me away like so many “Employee of the Month” DVDs? Getting axed from their site, though probably warranted, stings like a bitch.

Lastly, my Google page rank was just downgraded from a “3” to a”2”. If you’re familiar with page rank you know the difference between ranks is infinite. Or in other words, my blog is infinitely less relevant than it was two days ago. Infinitely! In two days!

These are not promising signs for Kneecapped and a wiser man would pack up the mailbag, bid “adieu”, and maybe write for another blog. But what of this other blog you ask? Well, its tied up in legal, but it should be up and running in about 5 - 6 months.

During times like these I like to think back to the immortal words of my man Big Daddy Kane:

“Anything goes when it comes to prose, cuz blogging ain’t easy.” *



*With word play like that it’s a wonder this blog hasn’t taken off. Or is it a wonder that I’m married? Either/or.

New Template

All I wanted was to have my labels on my front page and now my template is all messed up. Please bear with me, the template you know and love will be new and improved shortly.

Happy St. Patrick's Day Now a Word from Kneecapped

Hi, before I go get wicked frickin' smammered I wanted to post this for you all. I wanted to do it yesterday, but I've been busy and not online all that much. Here goes.

If you haven’t noticed things have been slowing down here at Kneecapped Central, it’s a sad truth. Unfortunately, for you and your boredom this will be an ongoing trend. Not to fear starting Monday you can find me here. I’ll be writing a daily blog on that site which should be pretty much the same type of thing I do here, but everyday and more focused. The site is very interactive so maybe you guys can participate. Anyways, I’ll still be posting here occasionally. I’m also adding advertising to this site. I hope that doesn’t turn you off, but what the hell might as well try and catch some stray fish and make a few cents.

As always, thanks for reading and give my new site a chance, it’s funny.

Got To Admit I'm Getting Older, Getting Older All The Time

It happened this past weekend. The final nail in my “I still feel young” coffin was hammered into place. My wife and I (yes, my wife, surprisingly getting married wasn’t the last nail in the coffin) went back to my alma mater to soak in nostalgia, indulge in delicious food from our favorite restaurants, and take a break from New York City’s soul-crushing grip for a few days.

I knew going in that I would feel old hanging around a college town, but I wasn’t prepared for what happened at Judy’s, a restaurant we used to frequent. We sat down and the waiter came to take our drink order. I asked him what kind of beers they had and he read off the list. I ordered a Stella as my hand started toward my pocket to pull out my I.D. The waiter made a strange, almost knowing face and said, “Okay” and walked toward the bar. He didn’t card me and I think he did it on purpose. He didn’t want to give me the satisfaction of getting carded. This is a college town mind you, everyone gets carded.

The waiter came back and took our food orders and headed to the table next to us. The customer ordered a beer and the waiter says, “Can I see your I.D.?” My wife started laughing as my jaw hit the floor. She comforted me by saying that he “looked really young” but my heart was broken.

We headed to McMurphy’s, a bar next door, and I took little solace when the bartender carded me. She was just being polite and covering her ass because Amherst cops are fucking bastards and bars have to I.D. everyone who looks under 35, but why didn’t I receive that same courtsey at Judy’s?

So that was that. Coming on the heels of my 29th birthday and a girl at work saying she thought I was much older than I was, not getting carded brought my youth to a crashing halt. I like to think that my wedding ring ages me, but it’s all down hill from here. Next stop Depends and prune juice.

For fun and to make myself feel even older here’s a list of things that were rare or practically non-existent throughout my college career:

Cell Phones
Only the showy douches had cell phones and I remember thinking how ridiculous it was when I saw kids talking on them while walking across campus.

High Speed Internet
Ethernet was being developed for dorm rooms but my college generation spans that strange time when people really didn’t go on-line that much. We surfed mainly for porn and to watch the Victoria’s Secret runway show, which is pretty much like porn. I got my first email address in college and we went to little cubicles to access email on 10 year-old computers. I got my first non “.EDU” email address after I graduated. I remember it vividly; I was in an internet café in Prague and I was more amazed by my Hotmail account than by the Astronomical Clock.

DVD Players
My roommate got a DVD player my junior year as a bonus for slaving away for a summer and a semester at a major pharmaceutical company. We thought it was the most amazing thing in the world. The one problem, the video stores only had 5 DVDs to rent.

Flat Screen TVs
Flat screens now adorn the walls of all the Amherst bars, but when I was in school they were mearly a pipe dream inspired by those Philips ads with that Gomez cover song “Got to admit it's getting better…”

iPods
I walked around campus my freshmen and sophomore year listening to Wu-Tang mixes on my Walkman.

Kneecapped, Now With Gossip!

After much drunken Super Bowl discussion I’ve decided to slowly transform Kneecapped into a gossip blog. The enormous success of gossip blogs such as Perez Hilton, Jossip, TMZ, Pink is the New Blog, and others has had an enormous impact on Hollywood, the blogosphere, and life in general. I think we can all honestly say that we're a little dumber and a little shallower because of these tremendous expressions of free speech. For this I’d like to utter a humble “thank you” to these blogs for taking my mind away from the war and towards Lindsay Lohan’s vadge.

In addition, gossip blogs make a fuck-load of money supplying vital information that can only be obtained in, roughly, 500,000 different locations. Plus, the authors achieve a level of fame worthy of appearances on E!, or if they’re lucky a regular gig on that bastion of the privileged lifestyle, LX.TV. So today, I want to announce that Kneecapped is going gay...er...gossip. To help differentiate between my regular posts and my gossip posts during this period of adjustment I will use the “royal we" when addressing ourselves in a gossip post.

Here’s our first post, and boy are we excited:

To start things off we've got a tasty little nugget on the former Mrs. Cosby, Phylicia Rashad. It turns out she used to be married to Victor Willis, the lead singer of the Village People! Not only that, but after their divorce, Mr. Willis was arrested for robbery and cocaine possession! A rip-roarious and scandalous scandal of debauchery and lost love that can only be found here and on his IMDB profile! That site has all the dirt! Phylicia was also married to former NFL star and NBA ass-kisser, Ahmad Rashad! Girl gets around if ya know what we sayin'! It's all really fascinating and will be just about the most important thing you read today, no, this week! More to come when we post again soon, and if I were Debbie Allen , which we might be, I’d be shitting my pants, which we are!

Kneecapped Now With Labels!

It's true that Tommy ain't my mother fuckin' boy, but Kneecapped now has labels for your reading, sorting, and categorizing needs. Click through them and have some fun. Since I had to republish every blog I've written my site had a record 73 hits yesterday and I owe it all to labels.

The GZA says, "Read the label and say it loud."

A Record Setting Day

Yesterday, was a milestone day here at Kneecapped HQ. First, Kneecapped received its 2,000th visitor. Then, Kneecapped set the daily record for site visits with 51, the first time this blog has broken the elusive 50 hit barrier. These are heights this blog never even reached during The Great Jessica Simpson Surge of 2006. What is the cause for this sudden rise in popularity? Because Kneecapped is an extremely well written and hilarious blog, that’s why. That and a little post on the Civilian Reserve Corps.

The country is going mad for the Civilian Reserve Corps. Searches for the program are out of control and many find their way to my site, because when you want the low-down on new government initiatives Kneecapped is the place to be. I jest, the country and even Canada loves the Civilian Reserve Corps. Maybe they’re interested because it was hardly explained and is kind of a strange concept. Civilians serving the Army in non-military functions helping them fight the war on terror. This is a great idea. There are lots of people who wish they could do more to help “the cause.” Plus, all those chicken hawks who were screaming for the war in Iraq can now serve the military, perfect. I’m sure, no wait, I’m positive that this program won’t be corrupted at all.

Kneecapped Down! Kneecapped Down!

Dear Readers,

You’ve probably heard the expression “all good things must come to an end,” but did you know that this phrase applies to mediocre things as well? If you’ve been reading my blog, and judging by my Sitemeter you haven’t, but if you had been reading you would notice that I haven’t been posting much of late. Sadly, I think you’ll have to expect more inactivity on this space for some time to come.

Why haven’t I been posting? Lack of inspiration, job kicking my ass, and the fact that I’m working on a new website are the main factors. I’ll link to my new site when it’s up and ready, but in the interim I think I can only guarantee you one post per week maximum. I’m sorry, and I know it won’t be easy for you. You don’t just stop reading Kneecapped so I’ll do my best to wean you off.

So, to Geoff, Jonah, Ion, Adam, and Jodi thanks for supporting Kneecapped it was a great run.

Thanks to the legitimate blogs Rum & Popcorn, AwfulAnnouncing and Gowanus Lounge for linking to me.

I’m hesitant to call this a “Good Bye.” I hate the permanence of good byes because they just seem so permanent. Let’s instead call it a “Good Riddance.”

Thanks again for reading.

Best,

Rick

Not Everyone Likes My Site

Well, the headline should probably read, "Practically No One Likes My Site" but whatever.

As if the paltry single digit site visits wasn't enough to destroy my fragile ego I got this email from BlogBurst.

Thank you for requesting an invitation to BlogBurst. At this time your blog is not a good match for our current set of publisher partners. However, our network of publishers is quickly growing and we encourage you to check back with us occasionally. We expect for many of the blogs not invited in this early period to be a part of the BlogBurst network in the future.Thank you for your interest in BlogBurst, and best wishes.

Best Regards,The BlogBurst Team

Very ouch. That stings the nostrils and my self-esteem. To be honest, I don't really know what BlogBurst even is exactly. I signed up for it after seeing it on Gowanus Lounge, but I think it's a directory for elite blogs or something. All I know is they want no part of Kneecapped. And with all the tapir sex reference on my site I guess I can't really blame them.

Tapirs and Me: An Archive of Tapir Posts:
The Post that got it all started The Bronx Zoo

The post that took it to the next level: The Sitemeter Tapir Search

When my site was growing on the back of Tapir sex searches: My Success Got the Best of Me

Beating a dead tapir: About My Readership

Come Up With Your Own Jokes, Gawker

I’ve made the big time. Gawker ripped off the easy and obvious joke that I wrote here yesterday.

Gawker wrote this:

“We're going to recommend that they go with the classic ‘he who smelt it
dealt it’ defense-- it's been working for us since first grade.”

Here's what I wrote:

"The City looks to blame New Jersey's silent-but-violent reputation. New Jersey counters by saying, 'Whoever smelt it dealt it.'"

Are fart jokes no longer sacred?

Hello 2007...Four Days Late!

Happy New Year everybody! So, I took a few days off from the blog, shoot me. No one reads this thing anyway. The few of you that do probably have my email or phone number so if you really wanted to hear from me you could have reached out. You didn’t and I’m still getting over it.

The rest of you tapir sex, Jessica Simpson/Direct TV commercial, and Marc Bulger searching fools shouldn't be mad either. You stumble upon these pages only to be disappointed on arrival.

The tapir folks are upset with my lack of graphic photos. Alas, this is a blog written by one mortal man with a full time job and five kids to feed. I can’t be expected to please your bizarre fetishes.

The Jessica Simpson crowd is searching for answers for why she is such a horrible actress. Answers that I cannot possibly provide as only the All Mighty itself can truly explicate the limits of her talents. Maybe Pat Robertson will ask next time he raps wit tha Lord.

And who knew there were so many Marc Bulger fans out there? What a dull life you must lead. Only joking. There’s only one Tom Brady and once you go Tom you never go…root for someone else.

I’ll try to do better. It was my New Years resolution to update more frequently so expect posting to stop by Valentine’s Day. Or, if things work out there may be a new website in the near future. Check back for the teaser trailer, but until then check out this teaser trailer.

Thank you for joining me and good luck in the 2-Bond.

Kneecapped's Year That Was - A summary in 12 Parts

So it’s the end of another year. Fan-fucking-tastic! And what better way to celebrate than by recounting the year that was. Since I was the Time person of the year let’s recount my tremendous trip ‘round the sun, a twelve month tour de force certainly worthy of the cover of the top weekly news rag (no one’s made fun of that Time cover yet, right?) The format: I will recap one or two events from each history making month of 2006. A task that, after cutting through the haze of time and alcohol, is harder than it sounds.

January
I was selected as a juror on a horrific case and the defendants tried to escape the courtroom by stabbing their lawyer in the neck and tackling the bailiff. Not the ideal way to start the year, but at least the murderers were convicted a month later.

February
Saw Sammy Hagar perform with Chad Smith at Cabo Wabo in Cabo San Lucas and learned that he still can’t drive 55. Hangover followed.

March
March sucks. It’s by far my least favorite month and it should probably be stricken from the calendar. But since I’m not God…yet (hint, hint Time Magazine) I scanned the deep reaches of my mind and came up with spending St. Patrick’s Day in the fine Irish pub Welcome to the Johnsons. Plus, my NCAA bracket was destroyed after the first day. This is the best I can come up with which is in a nutshell why I hate March.

April
Went to see Ladytron at Irving Plaza. Loved the show, had fun, felt old.

May
Celebrated my first wedding anniversary. “Jodi, they said we couldn’t do it baby but we showed the world!”

June
Moved into a new apartment, began a 30 year journey into debt service.

July

Fell in love with soccer all over again. Is there any doubt that the 2006 World Cup was the event of the year? (This event took place in June as well.)

August
Started a little blog you may have heard about. No, Still haven’t heard about it? Get ready for a big ad campaign in the New Year. A hint, it involves me sitting at a street corner with a cow and a poster of Laura Dern.

September
Saw the Flaming Lips and wanted to punch the dickhead fan who was wearing a giant backpack, chickened out.

October
Didn’t dress up for Halloween for the 7th straight year. A personal highlight.

Almost died at a Massive Attack concert.

November
I met a certain someone who I had been poking fun at on this space, awkwardness followed. If I really wanted to confront these people I wouldn’t have a blog, I’d have courage.

10 year high school reunion.

December
I wrote a narcissistic blog about my award winning year.

Realized I gained about 15 – 20 pounds in 2006. All this after swearing I would jog everyday.

Merry Christmas and Other Holiday Cheers

I’d like to wish a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, and Happy Kwanza to all. I hit a wall after my 100th post, but I promise to come back strong, if not next week, in the New Year.

So have you all heard or seen that SNL video "Dick in a Box?" Of course you have it's on every single blog and email sent or posted over the last week. Well, this isn't it, but it has to do with HD TV, my supportive mistress.

My Success Got The Best of Me

It was the week of 11/26 and Kneecapped was averaging 24 visits per day and climbing. I had cornered the market on Jessica Simpson Direct TV and animal sex searches. My blog was linked to two porn sites because of my riveting tapir post. Kneecapped was about to blow up and take over the blogsphere. Needless to say, I was on top of the world. So what do I do? I don’t post for five days and ruin everything. Site visits plummeted from 24 to 21 per day, and you know what? I deserve it.

I abandoned you, my audience, my fans, my loyal servants. They say “leave people wanting more” but I‘ve traveled way beyond that. You my readers, began by simply wanting more, but soon, around Monday night or so, you began needing more. This of course led to that depression you felt around Tuesday afternoon which quickly morphed into the anger that enveloped you late Tuesday night. There was no sign that Kneecapped would ever be updated again and you wanted to hit something or someone. I’m writing here to apologize for putting you through that emotional rollercoaster.

So, Geoff, Ion, Jonah, Irene, Jodi, Tapir Sex Search Guy, and the tens of people around the country who stumble upon my blog every single day, I’m sorry. Please for give me, and keep coming back because things around here can only get better.

Televison/Job Is Getting Me Down

I've been down on TV and my participation in that industry of late so it was fitting that The Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy's song "Television, The Drug of a Nation" played on the radio tonight. I thought I'd share it with you in case you're not familiar with the track, and thanks to the Youtube it's easier than ever. So, without further ado, please enjoy the Chuck D and Guru-esque stylings of Michael Franti and The Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy.

Why My Self-Esteem is at an All Time High

If you’ve noticed that my Sitemeter hit counter has been staying at a steady 15 visits or so per day, and if you’re like me you have, then you only have one person to thank, my good friend Jessica Simpson.

Apparently, I’m not the only one enamored with this talented vixen of stage and screen. I’ve had more hits due to my Bad Ads post a few weeks back when I made fun of the hilariously terrible Direct TV commercial featuring the former Mrs. Lachey. The Google web searches can barely keep up with the demand, and I’m proud to say Kneecapped is ranking high on the searches for “Jessica Simpson Direct TV” and “Jessica Simpson Direct TV Accent” and other similar searches.

So a humble thank you to the actress that made playing a dumb hick bimbo look hard, Jessica Simpson. For those of you who missed it, here the commercial once again. And to Pokerfoos, I’d still hit that as well.

Anyone Want To Tell Me How My Reunion Was?

Does anyone know? Because details are a little fuzzy. I know I had fun, but to what extent I have know idea.

Kneecapped’s Lack of (Internet) Knowledge - Fred Wilson Interview

I saw Fred Wilson speak tonight at a New York Magazine "Master Class" event. I had never even heard of Fred Wilson before, which considering that he is a major player in website venture capitalism, and a popular blogger, goes to show you my naiveté in these matters, but I digress.

Fred gave a great interview. He was clear, insightful, and he was able to relay his message to a wide range of audience members with varying degrees of background knowledge. If I understood what he was talking about, surely everyone else did. It's no surprise he recently sold his home for a ridiculous sum of money, he’s a bright fellow.

I'd recommend hearing him speak if you get the chance, or just check out his blog like I will be doing from now on. The interview will also be available on Columbia Business School's website in the near future.

Jury Appreci-fucking-ation Day

We live in a great country with an amazing legal system. Our founding beliefs that everyone is created equal goes hand in hand with a legal system that grants you the right to a fair trial in front of a jury of your peers. Jurors are a cross section of our nation’s economic, ethnic, and religious groups. Each juror’s opinion matters and has influence on the system. When you finish a case the judge thanks you for performing your civic duty, and you go home fulfilled. No juror is more important than the next.

Ha ha, fooled you! If that were at all true then we wouldn't have JURY APPRECIATION DAY!!! (page 4) What is this disgusting display of glad-handing and celebrity worship known as Jury Appreciation Day you ask? It’s the Justice Department's turn to hang with celebs and bask in their glow. It's the Justice Department's chance to give praise to the celebrities that didn’t use their P.R. rep or lawyers to get them out of jury duty that year. And it’s the Justice Department's opportunity to finally give these celebs the proper "thank you" they deserve for giving their valuable and famous time to the belittling, un-hip, and peasant-like service of jury duty.

Fuck you all.

I’m still waiting for my invitation to the Jury Appreciation Day gala. Yes, I was on jury duty this year. You may have read about my trial, as it made the cover of the NY Post. That’s what happens when defendants stab their lawyer in the neck and make a break for the bailiff’s gun, stabbing him as well, all this about 20 feet away from the jury. Yeah, that shit makes the cover of the Post.

The whole jury was shaken (well not me). One woman had a borderline nervous breakdown and could barely make it back into court for it to be declared a mistrial. This was three days after the escape attempt and she was still bawling. The woman was basically traumatized, but I bet she didn’t get the chance to hang with Bobby D and Regis yesterday.

Maybe they should have Bailiff Appreciation Day? For the brave bailiff who held off the prisoner despite being stabbed and injuring his knee but did not surrender his gun.

Or how about a Whoever's Job It Is To Frisk Prisoners Before They Go Into Court Appreciation Day, so they’ll have a little added motivation to do their fucking jobs.

But this won’t happen because none of these people were in Taxi Driver and none of them host a dopey daytime talk show.

Jury Appreciation Day needs to stop. Tax money probably pays for the fucking thing, why is this necessary? Am I going to take jury duty more seriously because Paula Fucking Zahn’s ass is kissed for doing so?