Kneecapped Gossip Report

I came across this gossip item while perusing Gawker this morning. Can you think of anything more awkward than attending a karaoke party and Lindsay Lohan, an “accomplished” pop singer, keeps getting up to sing without the advantage of a Pro Tools mix and calibrated microphones? Then factor in that her voice is ravaged from drinking, smoking, and snorting everything she could get her hands on over the past few years. Her friends must have a hard time keeping a straight face.

“That was like totally great Lind, you totally sounded like Fiona Apple on that one. You’re like one gifted singer. Yo, can I get a bump?”

“Yeah Lindsay, you’re voice is like just as totally powerful as Christina’s. Yo, can we order bottle service? I need a Red Bull vodka.”

If I were a studio-reliant pop singer the last thing I would consider would be singing karaoke in public. But when you’re a huge attention whore I guess even making a fool of yourself gets you off. See.

Sarcasm Makes Me Laugh

I stumbled upon a funny blog yesterday, Dear Douchebag, and today's post featured an article about America's Next Top Model advertisements getting stripped from Santa Monica buses. I'm all for Tyra's mug getting ripped off of public surfaces, she's over exposed as it is, but the rep for CW had a great sarcastic quote on the issue:

"It's a jungle out there in bus marketing. Even America's next top models aren't safe anymore," CW spokesman Paul McGuire said.

A jungle it is indeed sir. A jungle it is. That's just a great smart ass remark and I wanted to give the guy credit for it.

Thoughts While George Eastman Rolls In His Grave

I know I’m almost five days late on the “Britney Spears going crazy again by attacking an SUV with an umbrella” story, but I was trying to live my life. Okay, fine, I was watching The (White) Rapper Show marathon on VH1. Anyway, I finally got around to looking at some pictures and watching some video of the incident and Britney has clearly gone mad. Check it out for yourself. Here's some really bad footage (via The Superficial). But there’s one thought I can’t get out of my head after watching this nonsense: The Paparazzi are SCUM. Britney may be crazy, but those dickheads are the scum of the fucking Earth.

Jaw Dropping

Sometimes, when the time is right and the fates smile down upon you, you stumble across the greatest Yahoo! headline ever: Britney Spears Shaves Head.

G - d Bless America

I was reading Page Six today (shut up, I know) and found something that caught my eye, other than the Scarlett Johansson photo. It was this post on a rabbi giving Britney Spears advice:

My blasphemy knowledge is pretty god-damn limited, but I’m pretty sure saying “God Bless You” doesn't count. Why then did Page Six censor “God” in both it’s newspaper and on-line additions. Is this something that's often done and I just wasn't aware of it? Why is “God bless you” censored? Bill O’Reilly must be throwing a tantrum. He must have known that The Attack on Christmas would soon reach The Almighty, but I bet he didn’t expect this from his network's paper. Is God bless you offensive? Anybody? Does it need to be censored. Seems odd.

Red Carpet Versus Awards Shows

Let's just have a monthly event were we parade out all the stars we want to see, have them walk the red carpet, and then go to a party where there’s another red carpet. It's clear that this is all that matters. Let's end this silly facade of award shows as an event to acknowledge greatness. The Grammy Awards, and award shows in general (the Academy Awards is hanging on by a thread) cease to be relevant when the most talked about subject is the red carpet and fashion, not the winners of the awards.

Take Yahoo! For example. On Yahoo!’s homepage they have two tabs “Featured” and “Entertainment” and the only place where winners are mentioned is in small type on the “Entertainment” tab. Both tabs feature the red carpet. The Grammy’s are now officially on the same level as the Blockbuster Awards, Teen Choice Awards, and every other fake awards show.

I know I shouldn’t be surprised by this an I’m not, but are celebrities really that interesting? You’re damn fucking right they are! I don’t know how I’d function without them.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Horrifying Words

Natalie Cole burst onto the Red Carpet at the Grammy Awards looking like a zombie walking out of a botox clinic shortly after getting a boob job. Words do not do this picture justice. The face looks okay, but the rest is just weird.

Kneecapped, Now With Gossip!

After much drunken Super Bowl discussion I’ve decided to slowly transform Kneecapped into a gossip blog. The enormous success of gossip blogs such as Perez Hilton, Jossip, TMZ, Pink is the New Blog, and others has had an enormous impact on Hollywood, the blogosphere, and life in general. I think we can all honestly say that we're a little dumber and a little shallower because of these tremendous expressions of free speech. For this I’d like to utter a humble “thank you” to these blogs for taking my mind away from the war and towards Lindsay Lohan’s vadge.

In addition, gossip blogs make a fuck-load of money supplying vital information that can only be obtained in, roughly, 500,000 different locations. Plus, the authors achieve a level of fame worthy of appearances on E!, or if they’re lucky a regular gig on that bastion of the privileged lifestyle, LX.TV. So today, I want to announce that Kneecapped is going gay...er...gossip. To help differentiate between my regular posts and my gossip posts during this period of adjustment I will use the “royal we" when addressing ourselves in a gossip post.

Here’s our first post, and boy are we excited:

To start things off we've got a tasty little nugget on the former Mrs. Cosby, Phylicia Rashad. It turns out she used to be married to Victor Willis, the lead singer of the Village People! Not only that, but after their divorce, Mr. Willis was arrested for robbery and cocaine possession! A rip-roarious and scandalous scandal of debauchery and lost love that can only be found here and on his IMDB profile! That site has all the dirt! Phylicia was also married to former NFL star and NBA ass-kisser, Ahmad Rashad! Girl gets around if ya know what we sayin'! It's all really fascinating and will be just about the most important thing you read today, no, this week! More to come when we post again soon, and if I were Debbie Allen , which we might be, I’d be shitting my pants, which we are!

Yeah, But Shouldn't The Beautiful Young Actress Be, Well, Beautiful?

Maggie Gyllenhaal is not beautiful as evidenced by this photo where she does her best Olsen twin impression. She looks like my great aunt. See the larger picure here.

Quotes That Make You Want To Slit Your Wrists

This quote from foxnews.com made me gag and contemplate taking my own life:

“Space travel is sexy,” said Star magazine editor at large Jill Dobson. “If you think rock stars get the chicks, wait 'til Dave Navarro returns from space and then see how popular he is with the ladies.”

There you have it. What millions of Star Wars and Star Trek fans have known for years has finally hit Hollywood. Space travel is sexy. Forget science, the awe of human technology, or the sheer beauty of seeing Earth from space, because traveling to space will get you laid.

Who better to travel to space than reality TV douchebags like Dave Navarro and Paris Hilton? With recent space travel disasters still fresh on the brain, and crippling the taxpayer funded NASA, perhaps it's time for a few accidents from the private sector. Well, as long as the disasters avoid the Stephen Hawkings of the world, and hit those b-list attention whores who happened to stumble upon a few million dollars in their vapid existence. I can think of no better way to rid ourselves of the Paris Hilton scourge than her being vaporized in the upper atmosphere.

It all reminds me of the Y2K chapter of “Treehouse of Horror X” episode of The Simpsons in which a rocketship pakced with b-list celebrities like Pauley Shore and Dan Qualye is launched towards the sun. I wanted to find this video for you but failed. If you have one, please email me or throw it up on youtube and I’ll post it here and credit you. But here, at least is the Y2K meltdown:

Nicole Richie Plays Dress up

Not to get all Superficial on you, and I don't mean to steal The Assimilated Negro's thunder, but the optical illusion in this photo cracked me up. Doesn't she look like a 6 year-old trying on her mom's high heels?
One quick side note: I don't think this has been discussed enough, how in the world did Lionel Richie's daughter become so famous? One minute our country is reeling in post 9/11 depression and working towards an inevitable war with Iraq, and the next thing you know Paris Hilton releases a sex tape, Nicole Richie leaves rehab, and they appear together on Simple Life. This was a watershed moment. Malcolm Gladwell shoud site this in his next book, because it's been a non-stop parade of vapid celebrities and gossip since. Simple Life turned to Newlyweds and Newlyweds spun into The Ashley Simpson Show which ran alongside Laguna Beach which spun off into The Hills. Each show launching a no talent but slutty star who would become a gossip page mainstay. This all happened around the same time Star and US Weekly went glossy, encouraging normal self-respecting people to buy their rags. Now, we live in a world were a gossip columnist, Perez Hilton, is a celebrity. And, everyone is okay with this? Really?