What's Arena League Football?

The Arena Football League has some fans I’ll give it that; lonely, sad, bored, nothing better to do on the weekend fans. I'm not one of them, but I wouldn't make fun of anyone who was. The sport just isn't for me. The AFL is a garbage sport much like pro wrestling, tractor pulling, and the NHL, but now that ESPN has the television rights to the Arena League it has become "cool" and "trendy" and "fun" and "exciting". The Worldwide Leader is telling sports fans to care about the AFL, not because it offers a diversion from spending time with your family and an excuse to drink (which has been its appeal in the past), but because it's a true and relevant sport.

The big push is happening with the AFL season about to kickoff. ESPN will force feed its audience the AFL whether we want it or not, they stand to make too much cash. If you watch ESPN you know they excel at one thing: promoting their product, so here's what to expect: They will brag about the ratings no matter how small, Around the Horn and PTI will talk about the league with reverence, and Stu Scott will hype the players to no end. Mike and Mike, the ESPN radio dinks and new AFL announcers already stammer and stutter about the AFL ceaselessly, and today it popped up on ESPN.com's AM JUMP (the poor man's version of the now defunct Daily Quickie). It's just another reason to hate the network I used to love.

Cigarettes Are One Hell of a Drug

I’m trying to quit smoking or at least cut down the amount I smoke so I haven’t bought a pack of cigarettes in several days. Not buying packs is the best way to stop smoking because when you get the urge to smoke you either a) have to deal with it or b) act like a totally mooch and scrub one off your co-workers. I’ve already exhausted one resource today. Then I approached a couple other people who have bummed smokes from me in the past, but they were both out and trying to quit (buying packs) as well. So to distract my jaw from grinding my teeth into a fine powder I Google image searched “quit smoking” and this was the first image listed:

I’ve never wanted a cigarette and to beat someone senseless more in my entire life.

Jury Appreci-fucking-ation Day

We live in a great country with an amazing legal system. Our founding beliefs that everyone is created equal goes hand in hand with a legal system that grants you the right to a fair trial in front of a jury of your peers. Jurors are a cross section of our nation’s economic, ethnic, and religious groups. Each juror’s opinion matters and has influence on the system. When you finish a case the judge thanks you for performing your civic duty, and you go home fulfilled. No juror is more important than the next.

Ha ha, fooled you! If that were at all true then we wouldn't have JURY APPRECIATION DAY!!! (page 4) What is this disgusting display of glad-handing and celebrity worship known as Jury Appreciation Day you ask? It’s the Justice Department's turn to hang with celebs and bask in their glow. It's the Justice Department's chance to give praise to the celebrities that didn’t use their P.R. rep or lawyers to get them out of jury duty that year. And it’s the Justice Department's opportunity to finally give these celebs the proper "thank you" they deserve for giving their valuable and famous time to the belittling, un-hip, and peasant-like service of jury duty.

Fuck you all.

I’m still waiting for my invitation to the Jury Appreciation Day gala. Yes, I was on jury duty this year. You may have read about my trial, as it made the cover of the NY Post. That’s what happens when defendants stab their lawyer in the neck and make a break for the bailiff’s gun, stabbing him as well, all this about 20 feet away from the jury. Yeah, that shit makes the cover of the Post.

The whole jury was shaken (well not me). One woman had a borderline nervous breakdown and could barely make it back into court for it to be declared a mistrial. This was three days after the escape attempt and she was still bawling. The woman was basically traumatized, but I bet she didn’t get the chance to hang with Bobby D and Regis yesterday.

Maybe they should have Bailiff Appreciation Day? For the brave bailiff who held off the prisoner despite being stabbed and injuring his knee but did not surrender his gun.

Or how about a Whoever's Job It Is To Frisk Prisoners Before They Go Into Court Appreciation Day, so they’ll have a little added motivation to do their fucking jobs.

But this won’t happen because none of these people were in Taxi Driver and none of them host a dopey daytime talk show.

Jury Appreciation Day needs to stop. Tax money probably pays for the fucking thing, why is this necessary? Am I going to take jury duty more seriously because Paula Fucking Zahn’s ass is kissed for doing so?

A Fricken Napsack Indeed

Do rolling suitcases bother you as much as they bother me? People just don't know how to steer those fuckers and whenever I'm near a person strolling one I fear my legs are going to be taken out from under me after a sharp turn made by the oblivious pedestrian. They make me uneasy and that pisses me off.

Well, there's something worse than rolling suitcases, rolling backpacks. Suitcases are heavy and I understand the need for wheels, but backpacks? Give me a friggin’ break. That's why this morning I smiled while walking to work towards Penn Station when a man huffed, puffed, and stormed around a woman with a rolling backpack and yelled at her, "it's a fricken napsack!" and stormed off.

I love the smell of anger in the morning, especially warranted anger. Here's an idea, those straps on your backpack, put your weak and atrophied arms through them and rest the straps on your scrawny shoulders and, gasp, carry your backpack.

Perk This! (Holds Crotch of Pants)

For some reason this really annoyed me today:


The fact that it's a featured article on Yahoo!, the most visited site on the internet, is beyond belief. Well until you cut through the bullshit and realize it's really just a way to drive traffic to Flickr, and sell cheesy goods to us poor ass cubicle slobs who need troll dolls and paper ribbons to brighten our horrible and mundane working conditions.

For example, the Babble Voice Privacy Machine. If you work in a cubicle should you be dropping $395 on a Babble Voice Privacy Machine? First off, it probably doesn’t work. Second, I usually don't by things that expensive for my apartment and I care about that, screw my cubicle. If you can't stand your co-workers talking then quit. What are you holding on to? And with the $395 you save by not buying this useless device that, I’m no doctor or anything, probably gives you cancer, plenty of time time to find a new job. Probably about a day.

Then there's this needless and wasteful invention

Fuck you Ambient Weather Beacon, fuck you. I don't need to be reminded of how great the weather is that I'm missing while sitting in my fucking cubicle. Why don't they come out with an audio device that plays a live stream of obscenely rich heiresses parting on a yacht in the Mediterranean? That would really knock the point that your life sucks right out of the ballpark.