Hello 2007...Four Days Late!

Happy New Year everybody! So, I took a few days off from the blog, shoot me. No one reads this thing anyway. The few of you that do probably have my email or phone number so if you really wanted to hear from me you could have reached out. You didn’t and I’m still getting over it.

The rest of you tapir sex, Jessica Simpson/Direct TV commercial, and Marc Bulger searching fools shouldn't be mad either. You stumble upon these pages only to be disappointed on arrival.

The tapir folks are upset with my lack of graphic photos. Alas, this is a blog written by one mortal man with a full time job and five kids to feed. I can’t be expected to please your bizarre fetishes.

The Jessica Simpson crowd is searching for answers for why she is such a horrible actress. Answers that I cannot possibly provide as only the All Mighty itself can truly explicate the limits of her talents. Maybe Pat Robertson will ask next time he raps wit tha Lord.

And who knew there were so many Marc Bulger fans out there? What a dull life you must lead. Only joking. There’s only one Tom Brady and once you go Tom you never go…root for someone else.

I’ll try to do better. It was my New Years resolution to update more frequently so expect posting to stop by Valentine’s Day. Or, if things work out there may be a new website in the near future. Check back for the teaser trailer, but until then check out this teaser trailer.

Thank you for joining me and good luck in the 2-Bond.

My Success Got The Best of Me

It was the week of 11/26 and Kneecapped was averaging 24 visits per day and climbing. I had cornered the market on Jessica Simpson Direct TV and animal sex searches. My blog was linked to two porn sites because of my riveting tapir post. Kneecapped was about to blow up and take over the blogsphere. Needless to say, I was on top of the world. So what do I do? I don’t post for five days and ruin everything. Site visits plummeted from 24 to 21 per day, and you know what? I deserve it.

I abandoned you, my audience, my fans, my loyal servants. They say “leave people wanting more” but I‘ve traveled way beyond that. You my readers, began by simply wanting more, but soon, around Monday night or so, you began needing more. This of course led to that depression you felt around Tuesday afternoon which quickly morphed into the anger that enveloped you late Tuesday night. There was no sign that Kneecapped would ever be updated again and you wanted to hit something or someone. I’m writing here to apologize for putting you through that emotional rollercoaster.

So, Geoff, Ion, Jonah, Irene, Jodi, Tapir Sex Search Guy, and the tens of people around the country who stumble upon my blog every single day, I’m sorry. Please for give me, and keep coming back because things around here can only get better.

Why My Self-Esteem is at an All Time High

If you’ve noticed that my Sitemeter hit counter has been staying at a steady 15 visits or so per day, and if you’re like me you have, then you only have one person to thank, my good friend Jessica Simpson.

Apparently, I’m not the only one enamored with this talented vixen of stage and screen. I’ve had more hits due to my Bad Ads post a few weeks back when I made fun of the hilariously terrible Direct TV commercial featuring the former Mrs. Lachey. The Google web searches can barely keep up with the demand, and I’m proud to say Kneecapped is ranking high on the searches for “Jessica Simpson Direct TV” and “Jessica Simpson Direct TV Accent” and other similar searches.

So a humble thank you to the actress that made playing a dumb hick bimbo look hard, Jessica Simpson. For those of you who missed it, here the commercial once again. And to Pokerfoos, I’d still hit that as well.

Bad Ads - Jessica Simpson/Direct TV

The commercial that is currently living in my nightmares is the Direct TV/Daisy Duke ad that runs, oh, just about every five minutes on any given station at any given time. Jessica Simpson is such a bad actress she can’t even speak with a decent Southern accent despite the fact that she’s from the South and has a Southern accent. She's so bad she acts her way out of her accent. This commercial makes me want to pour lye on my hand Taylor Durden style.