Funny Title

I was perusing The Bestest Blog of All-Time looking for new and exciting blogs and came across the funniest podcast tile I’ve ever seen. Sadly, the link went no where.

It's Alive!

The new site I've been working on is now up and running! I'll be posting there Monday - Friday. Stop by and take a look, there's much more than blogging going on.

The Demise of Kneecapped.

Kneecapped has been on a steady decline the past few months. Most of it is my fault. I was slowing things down and was pretty much on a part time schedule. Then I had my biggest night ever right after the State of the Union Address and I got sucked back into it. Kneecapped is a seductive mistress, she is. This past week, however, has taken a toll on this here site.

First off, I’m going to bitch about Technorati for a minute. Technorati doesn’t credit all of all my links. Geoff has linked to me a bunch of times, but Technorati has not picked up on this and other links as well. I linked to The Bestest Blog of All Time with a promise of getting a link in return. It was a weak moment I know, but I’m a link whore, okay. Sue me. The punishment for my vanity? Technorati has not credited this link either.

Second, Technorati took away three of my links. So what if they were links from porn directories attracted to my blog because of my extensive writings on tapirs and the weirdoes who search for sex photos of the beast? They shouldn’t have taken my links away especially since they don’t credit me for the legitimate sites that link here.

The downfall of Kneecapped doesn’t stop there. What happened next? Well, TrailerSpy, a site I linked to in its infancy because my wife knew the girl who was starting it up, dropped me from their blogroll. They had returned the favor to me adding me to their “Friends of TrailerSpy” list, but I went back on their site and my link is gone. True, my site only gets 20 hits per day and I’m routinely ignored throughout the blogosphere, but does that give you the right to throw me away like so many “Employee of the Month” DVDs? Getting axed from their site, though probably warranted, stings like a bitch.

Lastly, my Google page rank was just downgraded from a “3” to a”2”. If you’re familiar with page rank you know the difference between ranks is infinite. Or in other words, my blog is infinitely less relevant than it was two days ago. Infinitely! In two days!

These are not promising signs for Kneecapped and a wiser man would pack up the mailbag, bid “adieu”, and maybe write for another blog. But what of this other blog you ask? Well, its tied up in legal, but it should be up and running in about 5 - 6 months.

During times like these I like to think back to the immortal words of my man Big Daddy Kane:

“Anything goes when it comes to prose, cuz blogging ain’t easy.” *



*With word play like that it’s a wonder this blog hasn’t taken off. Or is it a wonder that I’m married? Either/or.

New Blogs to Entertain You

Here are few strange and interesting blogs from friends of mine: The Back Of Your Head and Jim Bobby's Blog

REPORT: Bill Simmons Still Funny

There are a lot of Bil Simmons haters out there, but this made me laugh. You might even say "I laughed out loud."

From this

"He's like a homeless man's Darko Milicic. And that's not a compliment."

C'mon that's funny, AA!

State of the Union Hall

It’s interesting that Gawker posted about Union Hall today. I went there this past weekend…twice. Embarrassing I know, but once you get the bocce itch you have to scratch it. On Saturday night I went there hoping to play a little bocce with friends, but of course when we got there we were roughly 30^th on the bocce list. So we gave up hope, found a table, and hung out. We learned a few things this first night at Union Hall. The first thing is that the wait staff is utterly miserable. Not at serving--the drinks came promptly--they’re just an unfriendly, depressing lot. They’re rude, don’t thank you for their tips and, in one case, short change you and never return. The second thing you notice is that, yes, it is indeed a homogeneously white crowd. I felt like I was in a bar on Newbury Street in Boston. Not that my group of friends helped the lack of diversity. And who knew The Arcaded Fire was the current style icon of Park Slope?

Being the sucker that I am I lobbied for a return visit the following afternoon. I had a primal urge to play me some bocce. This time the bar wasn’t as crowded. Unfortunately it reminded me of Mos Eisly Space Port populated by douchebag, bocce-snob, yuppie-hipster, Park Slope scum and villainy. Put it this way, there was a guy wearing a sweater vest. The front of the vest was grey with a crest. The back of the vest was blue and black argyle. It was like I’d stepped into a Nantucket yacht club. I finally got on the court, and the guy we were playing against was the biggest dickhead I have ever met. Just an out and out DOUCHE! I won’t get into the boring specifics of the game, but we lost. Want to play some bocce, Arcade Fire?

I won’t be going back to Union Hall ever again. I learned that going to Park Slope on two consecutive days causes one to hate the human race and New York City in general. If you want to play bocce, head to the less pretentious Floyd’s on Atlantic Ave.

Want to play some bocce Arcade Fire?

Kneecapped, Now With Gossip!

After much drunken Super Bowl discussion I’ve decided to slowly transform Kneecapped into a gossip blog. The enormous success of gossip blogs such as Perez Hilton, Jossip, TMZ, Pink is the New Blog, and others has had an enormous impact on Hollywood, the blogosphere, and life in general. I think we can all honestly say that we're a little dumber and a little shallower because of these tremendous expressions of free speech. For this I’d like to utter a humble “thank you” to these blogs for taking my mind away from the war and towards Lindsay Lohan’s vadge.

In addition, gossip blogs make a fuck-load of money supplying vital information that can only be obtained in, roughly, 500,000 different locations. Plus, the authors achieve a level of fame worthy of appearances on E!, or if they’re lucky a regular gig on that bastion of the privileged lifestyle, LX.TV. So today, I want to announce that Kneecapped is going gay...er...gossip. To help differentiate between my regular posts and my gossip posts during this period of adjustment I will use the “royal we" when addressing ourselves in a gossip post.

Here’s our first post, and boy are we excited:

To start things off we've got a tasty little nugget on the former Mrs. Cosby, Phylicia Rashad. It turns out she used to be married to Victor Willis, the lead singer of the Village People! Not only that, but after their divorce, Mr. Willis was arrested for robbery and cocaine possession! A rip-roarious and scandalous scandal of debauchery and lost love that can only be found here and on his IMDB profile! That site has all the dirt! Phylicia was also married to former NFL star and NBA ass-kisser, Ahmad Rashad! Girl gets around if ya know what we sayin'! It's all really fascinating and will be just about the most important thing you read today, no, this week! More to come when we post again soon, and if I were Debbie Allen , which we might be, I’d be shitting my pants, which we are!

Kneecapped Reader Mail!

I’ve been writing this blog since August and I just received my first email. It was sent to me, Dan Shanoff, and DC Sports Guy. Somehow the author thinks that my blog actually has a readership.

The email was pimping these Indianapolis Colts Peyton Manning rap videos. You read that correctly. I had the song, “Damn It Feels Good To Have Peyton” stuck in my head all day after catching it on Deadspin. Ion can attest to this as I annoyed him by imitating the “rapper’s” slow Midwestern flow/drawl during the Colts vs. Patriots game.

I hate the Colts and I hate Peyton Manning, but being that this was my first reader email I will oblige and link to, but not embed the videos.

The video that started it all:

"Peyton Paradise"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tPzGI3JAbs0

The video that was stuck in my head:
"Damn It Feels Good To Have Peyton"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtFfuH7uBiE

And the classy:
"Dear Peyton (Take A Big Dump On The Bears)"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXy9t9v9LzY

Tapir Sex is the New People Sex

A popular gimmick (although gimmick is too harsh a word, really) used by many bloggers in the Gawker Blog Pack is to write about funny searches that lead people to your blog. I’m not criticizing it (and I’d recommend checking out those links) I’m just making an observation.

I too, have done it. I’ve written about my current Google position for “Jessica Simpson Direct TV commercial” searches which is currently #3 and is responsible for about 50% of my web hits at the moment. I’ve had some other interesting searches such as “exploding dog” and a disturbing search for “slitting your wrists” that have lead to Kneecapped, but nothing that’s been funny enough to warrant a whole post. That is until today.

This morning while checking out my Sitemeter I started laughing like a madman in my empty apartment after seeing that this search directed some deranged Aussie web-surfer to my site:

“tapir zoo sex fucking free images”

What in the name of fuck?

Tapir sex photos! And free ones at that! Shit, man, if you want to see pictures of tapirs getting it on you’re going to have to pay for that shit. People don’t just post free pictures of tapirs fucking. That shit is gold and is sold to the highest bidder or anyone with a C.C. billing account. The internet isn’t just some den of free animal pornography. It's a research tool, not something to be used for your warped tapir sex fetish.

He must be an ass man.

For more on tapirs check this post.

Who's Washed Up in This Picture?

Jorge Garcia of Lost was the guest host on The 9, Yahoo's blogvloghipvideothingie. This begs the question which product is washed up, Lost or The 9?

Lost is promoting its freefalling show on Yahoo's blogvlogthingie, which doesn't bode well for them. I mean this show obsessed people the last few years, me included, and now it needs The 9 to help it? Bad times for them.

The 9 on the other hand, although pointless and annoying, has some buzz and a certain hip-ness that the kids are talking about it (doesn't it?) Not to mention a host that’s packing some heat in the breastal region, and they're resorting to an actor from that sinking ship that is Lost to co-host the show! A co-host that's packing some serious fat in the torso region no less! I don't know, but that screams of desperation. I vote The 9. If you need Lost to help you out, you’re barking up the wrong tree because Lost is D-U-N.

Burn Rubber Not Statues

According to the sublime Gothamist Maps, a man threatened to burn the Statue of Liberty this morning. Not sure exactly how you “burn” a giant copper statue, the melting point of copper is 1984.32 °F. Maybe he thinks he’s a glass of orange juice after dropping the brown acid at Burning Man?

Code.TV Must Be Stopped Or At Least Humiliated As Much As Possible

Not to steal Gawker’s coverage of Pedro Andrade, but I found another Pedro restaurant/bar/club review. Check out his face when, after ordering the Strawberry Grey Martini, he finds out the drink contains not Grey Goose, but gin, the drink of peasants and the inherently un-hip. The “Grey” stands for “Earl Grey” which makes his drink, “taste like the mountains.” But he’s really disappointed, you can tell. He also winks in slo-mo at the camera about 57 times. Enjoy.

This Week in Bread & Circus

I saw this on Gawker via Rising Hegemon. The War in Afghanistan, is that thing still going on? Apparently, bad news on the War on Terror only sells in foreign markets.




Time counters with this:


This photo makes me feel icky and it dampers my urge to spend money.

Horray for Boobies

Well, I just checked my email and it was almost full with people demanding a Monday post. Considering it’s a Gmail account with over 2700 MB of space it goes without saying, yet is flattering to point out, that the outcry is overwhelming. So without further ado here’s a lackluster Monday blog. If you don’t watch videoblogs, which is probably about 99% of you then please hold off until Tuesday. You can do it. I believe in you.

Have you seen this video blog, The 9, with a more polished Amanda Congdon clone? I think the planning for this video blog went something like this.

Unimaginative lackey #1: “That there Rocketboom seems to be doing well”

Unimaginative lackey #2: “Yeah, how did they manage that? We’re Yahoo! God damn it! Surely we can do better, but how?

Unimaginative lackey #1: “Well we can dumb it down with gossip, stay out of the political realm, works for Gawker.”

Unimaginative lackey #2: “But the boobs, we gotta keep the boobs”

Unimaginative lackey #1: “Boobs are key.”

Unimaginative lackey #2: “So we’ll keep the hot chick showing off the rack and use her to point to funny video and scoops, usually a day later than everyone else.”

Unimaginative lackey #1: “That’s great, but make sure to hype all things Yahoo! Flickr, Yahoo! News, Yahoo! Video.”

Unimaginative lackey #2: Yahoo! Video is so much better than youtube.”

Unimaginative lackey #1: “Video blogs are neat”

Unimaginative lackey #2: “I love you.”

And scene.

There you have it. That was an honest to goodness blog, with opinions about the happenings on the World Wide Web, not just ramblings of my life. I felt that this was important to share with you despite the fact that I lose serious “cool points” for a) admitting I watch video blogs, b) having opinions about video blogs, and c) using the phrase “cool points”. But what do you expect out of a Monday post the day after the Patriots were humiliated on a nationally televised night game?

Tomorrow a review on the Flaming Lips show.

Do the Queue

I wandered down to the Orchard Street Picklefest yesterday and I met with great surprise, long lines. Not since the Depression era has the Lower East Side seen so many people waiting in line for free salty foods. I for one, don’t understand the obsession New Yorkers have for standing in line, but from Trader Joe’s to the Rick’s Picks Pickle stand, lines are apparently where New Yorkers want to be. And they got a beautiful day for it. The sun was shining and the soon-to-be-autumn air was fresh and sweet. Definitely not a day to queue indoors. Some say my ranting against lines is un-hip, un-Cosmopolitan, even un-American. “If you don’t like standing in line why don't you just move to communist Russia?” they say. It’s not that I hate lines exactly, it’s just that there’s too many goddamn people around.

Doubting Blogger

I recently got a Sitemeter because I read about it here, then here (I'm a cheap linking whore). At first, I was anxious, people could see how often I checked their blogs!? It was like when Friendster first allowed you to see who visited your page. The nervous tension that washed over me the day I found out was horrible because I didn't realize for a week or more. Who did I visit, ex-girl friends, enemies, random fuckers from high school? This is why I like the MySpace, you can stalk like the web intended, anonymously. But Sitemeter is quite fascinating, and I can't imagine how fun it must be examine the stats of a site that actually gets traffic.

I don't write a lot of political stuff on here (more like I shouldn't write anything political because I'm an idiot), but it seems every time I do my blog is viewed by someone in a RED state. RED Staters intimidate me because they're so confident in their values. Pro-life, pro-death penalty, anti-stem cell research, pro-war. Their logic is sound, mine is iffy at best. When they visit, they stay for about 3 minutes or so, enough time to skim my latest lefty rantings. When they leave it's usually after viewing my profile, probably to look to see if I have a bleeding heart in my photo, or perhaps a vagina. At this point I'm embarrassed. Here I am, a big city East Coaster fulfilling the stereotype of the lefty, blogging, whiney-little-bitch. Worse, no one reads my blog so I'm just crying into my pillow, alone. Pathetic. Maybe I'm not strong enough to blog after all, but it's probably all in my head. Sometimes too much information is a bad thing.

Blogger Beta Blogger Blows

I made the mistake of upgrading to Blogger Beta before they perfected the technology. Now, commenting doesn't work with other blogs, Technorati doesn't ping, and no one is reading my blog. Two of those things are due to Blogger Beta. I don't need much. No bells and whistles. No rack and pinion steering. Just a blogging software that works. So here are some kind words:

Dear Blogger,

You are good to me. You nourish my desire to publish blogs, and you nurture my lack of HTML, but you need to launch something when it's ready and compatible with Technorati or other non-Beta blogs on your site. Thank you.

Boring Columnist Lectures Commuters

Thanks to Open Eyed Sneeze for the kind comments on my last post. I was thinking about that beer pong post before I went to bed last night, wondering how most people who read it probably think I’m a recent college grad killing time before I start my real job, sewing my royal oats if you will. No, that’s not the case. I’m 28, have a job, an apartment, a wife even. Is it sad that I’ll still play a game of beer pong on special occasions? Definitely not.

Then I read today’s Metro and it made me reassess my life choices, mainly drinking alcohol. Then after about 2 seconds of assessment I said, "screw it, why stop now." I’m glad the author is so comfortable in her own skin, I just hope she doesn’t push for prohibition because these days all it takes is one whiney bitch to ruin it for the rest of us (i.e. Bloomberg, Smoking).

For example, the Milwaukee Brewers mascot, Bernie the Brewer, can’t even slide into a beer mug after a Brewers’ home run. Check the before and after photos on the left and note the lack of a beer mug in the second photo. They’re the fucking Brewers for Christsake!

This overly sensitive bullshit is slowly strangling the joy out of living in this county. Maybe Felice Cohen would be happy if we were all lobotomized walking corpses smiling our way through our insignificant lives. Maybe I would like to have a beer. I'm sick of everyone sanitizing every-tiny-little-thing-we-do-so-we-don't-hurt-any-ones-feelings-and-won't-someone-please-think-of-the-children-I-don't-like-it-so-you-shouldn't-be-allowed-to-do-it-either thing out there. I didn't move to the suburbs for a reason. It's nonsense. Idiocy. Totalitarian.

And not to nitpick, but there aren’t any doctors, drunk or sober, to find a cure for Parkinson’s. That's just a stupid comparison.

Nicole Richie Plays Dress up

Not to get all Superficial on you, and I don't mean to steal The Assimilated Negro's thunder, but the optical illusion in this photo cracked me up. Doesn't she look like a 6 year-old trying on her mom's high heels?
One quick side note: I don't think this has been discussed enough, how in the world did Lionel Richie's daughter become so famous? One minute our country is reeling in post 9/11 depression and working towards an inevitable war with Iraq, and the next thing you know Paris Hilton releases a sex tape, Nicole Richie leaves rehab, and they appear together on Simple Life. This was a watershed moment. Malcolm Gladwell shoud site this in his next book, because it's been a non-stop parade of vapid celebrities and gossip since. Simple Life turned to Newlyweds and Newlyweds spun into The Ashley Simpson Show which ran alongside Laguna Beach which spun off into The Hills. Each show launching a no talent but slutty star who would become a gossip page mainstay. This all happened around the same time Star and US Weekly went glossy, encouraging normal self-respecting people to buy their rags. Now, we live in a world were a gossip columnist, Perez Hilton, is a celebrity. And, everyone is okay with this? Really?

Iran Gets Snarky

Watch out Gawker, there's a new boy on the blogging block and like bad boy pioneer Mel Gibson, he's not afraid to spew a little anti-Semitism. That's right Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has a blog. His feature “Ahadinejad Stalker” is hilarious as posters leak the whereabouts of infidels and citizens still loyal to the Shah to the secret police.


Thanks to The Rachel Maddow Show for pointing this out to me.

*Update* DON'T click on the Amadinejad link at work, it directs you to a gang bang porn site. Just kidding, but it doesn't seem to be working...

*Update 2* The link now seems to be working if you go to the Rachel Maddow site, he has an RSS feed. I'll be dropping that baby into Bloglines.