The Demise of Kneecapped.

Kneecapped has been on a steady decline the past few months. Most of it is my fault. I was slowing things down and was pretty much on a part time schedule. Then I had my biggest night ever right after the State of the Union Address and I got sucked back into it. Kneecapped is a seductive mistress, she is. This past week, however, has taken a toll on this here site.

First off, I’m going to bitch about Technorati for a minute. Technorati doesn’t credit all of all my links. Geoff has linked to me a bunch of times, but Technorati has not picked up on this and other links as well. I linked to The Bestest Blog of All Time with a promise of getting a link in return. It was a weak moment I know, but I’m a link whore, okay. Sue me. The punishment for my vanity? Technorati has not credited this link either.

Second, Technorati took away three of my links. So what if they were links from porn directories attracted to my blog because of my extensive writings on tapirs and the weirdoes who search for sex photos of the beast? They shouldn’t have taken my links away especially since they don’t credit me for the legitimate sites that link here.

The downfall of Kneecapped doesn’t stop there. What happened next? Well, TrailerSpy, a site I linked to in its infancy because my wife knew the girl who was starting it up, dropped me from their blogroll. They had returned the favor to me adding me to their “Friends of TrailerSpy” list, but I went back on their site and my link is gone. True, my site only gets 20 hits per day and I’m routinely ignored throughout the blogosphere, but does that give you the right to throw me away like so many “Employee of the Month” DVDs? Getting axed from their site, though probably warranted, stings like a bitch.

Lastly, my Google page rank was just downgraded from a “3” to a”2”. If you’re familiar with page rank you know the difference between ranks is infinite. Or in other words, my blog is infinitely less relevant than it was two days ago. Infinitely! In two days!

These are not promising signs for Kneecapped and a wiser man would pack up the mailbag, bid “adieu”, and maybe write for another blog. But what of this other blog you ask? Well, its tied up in legal, but it should be up and running in about 5 - 6 months.

During times like these I like to think back to the immortal words of my man Big Daddy Kane:

“Anything goes when it comes to prose, cuz blogging ain’t easy.” *



*With word play like that it’s a wonder this blog hasn’t taken off. Or is it a wonder that I’m married? Either/or.

Kneecapped Now With Labels!

It's true that Tommy ain't my mother fuckin' boy, but Kneecapped now has labels for your reading, sorting, and categorizing needs. Click through them and have some fun. Since I had to republish every blog I've written my site had a record 73 hits yesterday and I owe it all to labels.

The GZA says, "Read the label and say it loud."

A Record Setting Day

Yesterday, was a milestone day here at Kneecapped HQ. First, Kneecapped received its 2,000th visitor. Then, Kneecapped set the daily record for site visits with 51, the first time this blog has broken the elusive 50 hit barrier. These are heights this blog never even reached during The Great Jessica Simpson Surge of 2006. What is the cause for this sudden rise in popularity? Because Kneecapped is an extremely well written and hilarious blog, that’s why. That and a little post on the Civilian Reserve Corps.

The country is going mad for the Civilian Reserve Corps. Searches for the program are out of control and many find their way to my site, because when you want the low-down on new government initiatives Kneecapped is the place to be. I jest, the country and even Canada loves the Civilian Reserve Corps. Maybe they’re interested because it was hardly explained and is kind of a strange concept. Civilians serving the Army in non-military functions helping them fight the war on terror. This is a great idea. There are lots of people who wish they could do more to help “the cause.” Plus, all those chicken hawks who were screaming for the war in Iraq can now serve the military, perfect. I’m sure, no wait, I’m positive that this program won’t be corrupted at all.

Kneecapped Down! Kneecapped Down!

Dear Readers,

You’ve probably heard the expression “all good things must come to an end,” but did you know that this phrase applies to mediocre things as well? If you’ve been reading my blog, and judging by my Sitemeter you haven’t, but if you had been reading you would notice that I haven’t been posting much of late. Sadly, I think you’ll have to expect more inactivity on this space for some time to come.

Why haven’t I been posting? Lack of inspiration, job kicking my ass, and the fact that I’m working on a new website are the main factors. I’ll link to my new site when it’s up and ready, but in the interim I think I can only guarantee you one post per week maximum. I’m sorry, and I know it won’t be easy for you. You don’t just stop reading Kneecapped so I’ll do my best to wean you off.

So, to Geoff, Jonah, Ion, Adam, and Jodi thanks for supporting Kneecapped it was a great run.

Thanks to the legitimate blogs Rum & Popcorn, AwfulAnnouncing and Gowanus Lounge for linking to me.

I’m hesitant to call this a “Good Bye.” I hate the permanence of good byes because they just seem so permanent. Let’s instead call it a “Good Riddance.”

Thanks again for reading.

Best,

Rick

My Success Got The Best of Me

It was the week of 11/26 and Kneecapped was averaging 24 visits per day and climbing. I had cornered the market on Jessica Simpson Direct TV and animal sex searches. My blog was linked to two porn sites because of my riveting tapir post. Kneecapped was about to blow up and take over the blogsphere. Needless to say, I was on top of the world. So what do I do? I don’t post for five days and ruin everything. Site visits plummeted from 24 to 21 per day, and you know what? I deserve it.

I abandoned you, my audience, my fans, my loyal servants. They say “leave people wanting more” but I‘ve traveled way beyond that. You my readers, began by simply wanting more, but soon, around Monday night or so, you began needing more. This of course led to that depression you felt around Tuesday afternoon which quickly morphed into the anger that enveloped you late Tuesday night. There was no sign that Kneecapped would ever be updated again and you wanted to hit something or someone. I’m writing here to apologize for putting you through that emotional rollercoaster.

So, Geoff, Ion, Jonah, Irene, Jodi, Tapir Sex Search Guy, and the tens of people around the country who stumble upon my blog every single day, I’m sorry. Please for give me, and keep coming back because things around here can only get better.

Tapir Sex is the New People Sex

A popular gimmick (although gimmick is too harsh a word, really) used by many bloggers in the Gawker Blog Pack is to write about funny searches that lead people to your blog. I’m not criticizing it (and I’d recommend checking out those links) I’m just making an observation.

I too, have done it. I’ve written about my current Google position for “Jessica Simpson Direct TV commercial” searches which is currently #3 and is responsible for about 50% of my web hits at the moment. I’ve had some other interesting searches such as “exploding dog” and a disturbing search for “slitting your wrists” that have lead to Kneecapped, but nothing that’s been funny enough to warrant a whole post. That is until today.

This morning while checking out my Sitemeter I started laughing like a madman in my empty apartment after seeing that this search directed some deranged Aussie web-surfer to my site:

“tapir zoo sex fucking free images”

What in the name of fuck?

Tapir sex photos! And free ones at that! Shit, man, if you want to see pictures of tapirs getting it on you’re going to have to pay for that shit. People don’t just post free pictures of tapirs fucking. That shit is gold and is sold to the highest bidder or anyone with a C.C. billing account. The internet isn’t just some den of free animal pornography. It's a research tool, not something to be used for your warped tapir sex fetish.

He must be an ass man.

For more on tapirs check this post.

Why My Self-Esteem is at an All Time High

If you’ve noticed that my Sitemeter hit counter has been staying at a steady 15 visits or so per day, and if you’re like me you have, then you only have one person to thank, my good friend Jessica Simpson.

Apparently, I’m not the only one enamored with this talented vixen of stage and screen. I’ve had more hits due to my Bad Ads post a few weeks back when I made fun of the hilariously terrible Direct TV commercial featuring the former Mrs. Lachey. The Google web searches can barely keep up with the demand, and I’m proud to say Kneecapped is ranking high on the searches for “Jessica Simpson Direct TV” and “Jessica Simpson Direct TV Accent” and other similar searches.

So a humble thank you to the actress that made playing a dumb hick bimbo look hard, Jessica Simpson. For those of you who missed it, here the commercial once again. And to Pokerfoos, I’d still hit that as well.

I'm Back, Baby!

I was out last week so sorry for the lack of posts. I was at my parent’s house and it was just too painful to use their dial-up internet connection so I decided to screw it. It’s good to see that while I was away you've moved on to other things. According to sitemeter my readership shrunk from an average of 23 hits per day to 7 hits per day. The DLA hasn't even visited my site since Friday, and when the good folks at the DLA stop reading you know you're fucked. You did what you had to do, I understand, and I'm not angry, but this behavior stops now! I'm back, bad, and I'm waiting for you to return with open arms.

Since I'm not really up on the happenings on this here internets please allow me to re-immerse myself into its cleansing waters. I'll be ready soon enough to bowl you over with my witty banter. Your wait will be brief; a full week of hilarity is on the horizon. Brace yourself.

Doubting Blogger

I recently got a Sitemeter because I read about it here, then here (I'm a cheap linking whore). At first, I was anxious, people could see how often I checked their blogs!? It was like when Friendster first allowed you to see who visited your page. The nervous tension that washed over me the day I found out was horrible because I didn't realize for a week or more. Who did I visit, ex-girl friends, enemies, random fuckers from high school? This is why I like the MySpace, you can stalk like the web intended, anonymously. But Sitemeter is quite fascinating, and I can't imagine how fun it must be examine the stats of a site that actually gets traffic.

I don't write a lot of political stuff on here (more like I shouldn't write anything political because I'm an idiot), but it seems every time I do my blog is viewed by someone in a RED state. RED Staters intimidate me because they're so confident in their values. Pro-life, pro-death penalty, anti-stem cell research, pro-war. Their logic is sound, mine is iffy at best. When they visit, they stay for about 3 minutes or so, enough time to skim my latest lefty rantings. When they leave it's usually after viewing my profile, probably to look to see if I have a bleeding heart in my photo, or perhaps a vagina. At this point I'm embarrassed. Here I am, a big city East Coaster fulfilling the stereotype of the lefty, blogging, whiney-little-bitch. Worse, no one reads my blog so I'm just crying into my pillow, alone. Pathetic. Maybe I'm not strong enough to blog after all, but it's probably all in my head. Sometimes too much information is a bad thing.