Kneecapped Gossip Report

I came across this gossip item while perusing Gawker this morning. Can you think of anything more awkward than attending a karaoke party and Lindsay Lohan, an “accomplished” pop singer, keeps getting up to sing without the advantage of a Pro Tools mix and calibrated microphones? Then factor in that her voice is ravaged from drinking, smoking, and snorting everything she could get her hands on over the past few years. Her friends must have a hard time keeping a straight face.

“That was like totally great Lind, you totally sounded like Fiona Apple on that one. You’re like one gifted singer. Yo, can I get a bump?”

“Yeah Lindsay, you’re voice is like just as totally powerful as Christina’s. Yo, can we order bottle service? I need a Red Bull vodka.”

If I were a studio-reliant pop singer the last thing I would consider would be singing karaoke in public. But when you’re a huge attention whore I guess even making a fool of yourself gets you off. See.

Thoughts While George Eastman Rolls In His Grave

I know I’m almost five days late on the “Britney Spears going crazy again by attacking an SUV with an umbrella” story, but I was trying to live my life. Okay, fine, I was watching The (White) Rapper Show marathon on VH1. Anyway, I finally got around to looking at some pictures and watching some video of the incident and Britney has clearly gone mad. Check it out for yourself. Here's some really bad footage (via The Superficial). But there’s one thought I can’t get out of my head after watching this nonsense: The Paparazzi are SCUM. Britney may be crazy, but those dickheads are the scum of the fucking Earth.

G - d Bless America

I was reading Page Six today (shut up, I know) and found something that caught my eye, other than the Scarlett Johansson photo. It was this post on a rabbi giving Britney Spears advice:

My blasphemy knowledge is pretty god-damn limited, but I’m pretty sure saying “God Bless You” doesn't count. Why then did Page Six censor “God” in both it’s newspaper and on-line additions. Is this something that's often done and I just wasn't aware of it? Why is “God bless you” censored? Bill O’Reilly must be throwing a tantrum. He must have known that The Attack on Christmas would soon reach The Almighty, but I bet he didn’t expect this from his network's paper. Is God bless you offensive? Anybody? Does it need to be censored. Seems odd.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Horrifying Words

Natalie Cole burst onto the Red Carpet at the Grammy Awards looking like a zombie walking out of a botox clinic shortly after getting a boob job. Words do not do this picture justice. The face looks okay, but the rest is just weird.

Kneecapped, Now With Gossip!

After much drunken Super Bowl discussion I’ve decided to slowly transform Kneecapped into a gossip blog. The enormous success of gossip blogs such as Perez Hilton, Jossip, TMZ, Pink is the New Blog, and others has had an enormous impact on Hollywood, the blogosphere, and life in general. I think we can all honestly say that we're a little dumber and a little shallower because of these tremendous expressions of free speech. For this I’d like to utter a humble “thank you” to these blogs for taking my mind away from the war and towards Lindsay Lohan’s vadge.

In addition, gossip blogs make a fuck-load of money supplying vital information that can only be obtained in, roughly, 500,000 different locations. Plus, the authors achieve a level of fame worthy of appearances on E!, or if they’re lucky a regular gig on that bastion of the privileged lifestyle, LX.TV. So today, I want to announce that Kneecapped is going gay...er...gossip. To help differentiate between my regular posts and my gossip posts during this period of adjustment I will use the “royal we" when addressing ourselves in a gossip post.

Here’s our first post, and boy are we excited:

To start things off we've got a tasty little nugget on the former Mrs. Cosby, Phylicia Rashad. It turns out she used to be married to Victor Willis, the lead singer of the Village People! Not only that, but after their divorce, Mr. Willis was arrested for robbery and cocaine possession! A rip-roarious and scandalous scandal of debauchery and lost love that can only be found here and on his IMDB profile! That site has all the dirt! Phylicia was also married to former NFL star and NBA ass-kisser, Ahmad Rashad! Girl gets around if ya know what we sayin'! It's all really fascinating and will be just about the most important thing you read today, no, this week! More to come when we post again soon, and if I were Debbie Allen , which we might be, I’d be shitting my pants, which we are!