Fake Baseball Bets #8: Back in Black

Back in black /I hit the sack / I've been too long I'm glad to be back / Yes, I'm let loose / From the noose / That's kept me hanging about / I've been looking at the sky / 'Cause it's gettin' me high / Forget the hearse 'cause I never die/ I got nine lives / Cat's eyes/Abusin' every one of them and running wild

- AC/DC

To quote our favorite ESPN personality Stu Scott, "BOOYA!" We are back in the black baby. Thanks to my main man Micah "Payings" Owings, the Reds won last night lifting us out of our hole at +80 capps. Actually, Owings didn't win the game, but we're on such a high right now who cares?

Today we're placing 100 on the Big Unit and the Giants as home underdogs against the Braves. This bet is going of at+130.

I've really enjoyed the Randy Johnson era. Hated him when he faced the Sox, but he and Mr. Snappy have put on quite a show for 22 seasons. My favorite moment was Johnson throwing over Larry Walker's head in the 1997 All-Star game, followed by a wry smile and wink. Walker then flipped his helmet around to bat right handed eventually striking out on 4 pitches. I couldn't find a video of this (what's the deal YouTubers?) so I've settled for another bizzare Johnson moment.

Reminds me of the recent Red Bull air race:

More Q Train Madness

Here's the final installment of my Nikon Coolpix 775/iMovie/Q Train Trilogy.

Peter Travers calls it “An epic tour de force of massive scale. Q Train III explodes off the screen!”

Please enjoy.


If you want to catch the "Empire-esque" middle film of the trilogy you can find it on my Youtube page.

The Q Train

Shot yesterday with a Nikon Coolpix 775 camera and edited on iMovie. Enjoy.

Mid Season Replacement - Kick Ass New Show to Premiere on FX

I stumbled upon this teaser trailer for a new show premiering this spring on FX. Enjoy.

Kneecapera

Opera has been my life the past few days so here's a Simpson's tribute to Mozart:

Kneecapped Reader Mail!

I’ve been writing this blog since August and I just received my first email. It was sent to me, Dan Shanoff, and DC Sports Guy. Somehow the author thinks that my blog actually has a readership.

The email was pimping these Indianapolis Colts Peyton Manning rap videos. You read that correctly. I had the song, “Damn It Feels Good To Have Peyton” stuck in my head all day after catching it on Deadspin. Ion can attest to this as I annoyed him by imitating the “rapper’s” slow Midwestern flow/drawl during the Colts vs. Patriots game.

I hate the Colts and I hate Peyton Manning, but being that this was my first reader email I will oblige and link to, but not embed the videos.

The video that started it all:

"Peyton Paradise"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tPzGI3JAbs0

The video that was stuck in my head:
"Damn It Feels Good To Have Peyton"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtFfuH7uBiE

And the classy:
"Dear Peyton (Take A Big Dump On The Bears)"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXy9t9v9LzY

Cheese With That Whine?

The “master of class” LaDainian Tomlinson, didn't like the Pats dancing on the field after the Chargers choked, fumbled, and personal fouled their way out of a victory on Sunday. Seems to me that LT2 is a bit caught up in his image as a "classy" guy. But see, classy guys don't say they're classy guys, that’s rule #1. Secondly, he was offended because the Patriots were mocking a dance performed by steroid abuser Shawn Merriman? A dance that Merriman performs when he wants to show up another team. What's classy about dancing and taunting? And finally, the Chargers were talking shit all day, taking cheep shots, and in 2005 when the Chargers killed the Pats the Chargers were dancing on the Patriot’s logo, but now LT2 bitches about it?. That's called being a sore loser, not acting classy.

Here's the whiner in action:

Merry Christmas and Other Holiday Cheers

I’d like to wish a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, and Happy Kwanza to all. I hit a wall after my 100th post, but I promise to come back strong, if not next week, in the New Year.

So have you all heard or seen that SNL video "Dick in a Box?" Of course you have it's on every single blog and email sent or posted over the last week. Well, this isn't it, but it has to do with HD TV, my supportive mistress.

Televison/Job Is Getting Me Down

I've been down on TV and my participation in that industry of late so it was fitting that The Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy's song "Television, The Drug of a Nation" played on the radio tonight. I thought I'd share it with you in case you're not familiar with the track, and thanks to the Youtube it's easier than ever. So, without further ado, please enjoy the Chuck D and Guru-esque stylings of Michael Franti and The Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy.

Bad Ads - Jessica Simpson/Direct TV

The commercial that is currently living in my nightmares is the Direct TV/Daisy Duke ad that runs, oh, just about every five minutes on any given station at any given time. Jessica Simpson is such a bad actress she can’t even speak with a decent Southern accent despite the fact that she’s from the South and has a Southern accent. She's so bad she acts her way out of her accent. This commercial makes me want to pour lye on my hand Taylor Durden style.

Cheney Just a Regular Goofy Guy

On a recent (November 3rd) Neil Cavuto "Deep Thought" or "Daily Affirmation" or some commentary bullshit that he does, Neil talks about the soft side of Vice President, patriot, and hero, yes hero, Dick Cheney. Cavuto compares him to everyone's favorite decathlete and Disney funny man, Goofy.

The video isn't on the Youtube (and I'm linking Youtube because it hasn't gotten the publicity it deserves) so you have to find it on the Fox News site. When there, click on the latest Neil Cavuto video, and then look for the November 3rd post.

If you don't want to watch the video because, say, you're afraid of Neil Cavuto's giant head, then you can read the transcript here, but you should really check out the video to get the full effect of his kissassery.

Note 1: I found the transcript webpage and additional commentary at News Hounds.

Note 2: Check the sweet-ass photo doctoring. You'd be surprised if I told you, and I don't want to brag, but I'm a total novice at Photoshop, so it appears that I'm a natural. In fact, I didn't even do this in Photoshop. Nope, that beautiful (and clever) masterwork was achieved in Microsoft Picture It!

Hummers For All!

I’ve seen the Hummer commercial below on TV for a while now, but only really paid attention to it yesterday, because, well, fuck commercials. Although the ad's message of, “we’re all doomed so why not just buy what makes you happy?” is a little misguided, the clever nod to the gas guzzling SUV’s role in global warming issues is funny. The way the ad plays to the fatalistic Evangelical mindset of Armageddon is a master stroke. Most importantly, I respect Hummer’s honesty, even though their autos are a prime example of American hubris, at least they’re not pretending to be something their not.

You Can’t Spell Laxative Without “L – X”

It's been a little while since Freud Communications visited my site so I thought it time for another Code.TV/LX.TV post. The video below follows in the "Models and Bottles" tradition of the now infamous A.J. video and is titled "Beautiful Babies". It's now clear that Code.TV and Freud don't care about bad publicity or embarrassing videos. They're embracing their shallowness and nurturing the unintentional comedy goldmine that is "putting a camera on a nightlife fixture and letting the duchetricity shock and awe you." Now, without further ado, a club owner who's about as smooth as a five year-old skateboarding down a gravel road.

Who's Washed Up in This Picture?

Jorge Garcia of Lost was the guest host on The 9, Yahoo's blogvloghipvideothingie. This begs the question which product is washed up, Lost or The 9?

Lost is promoting its freefalling show on Yahoo's blogvlogthingie, which doesn't bode well for them. I mean this show obsessed people the last few years, me included, and now it needs The 9 to help it? Bad times for them.

The 9 on the other hand, although pointless and annoying, has some buzz and a certain hip-ness that the kids are talking about it (doesn't it?) Not to mention a host that’s packing some heat in the breastal region, and they're resorting to an actor from that sinking ship that is Lost to co-host the show! A co-host that's packing some serious fat in the torso region no less! I don't know, but that screams of desperation. I vote The 9. If you need Lost to help you out, you’re barking up the wrong tree because Lost is D-U-N.

A Pretentious Website By Any Other Name Is Still A Pretentious Website

Freud Communications, the public relations firm that handles entertainment and media brands such as Elle Magazine, A & E Television, and Sony Pictures has been checking out my blog. With the raging success of Kneecapped I’ve been seeking representation, and Freud certainly fits the high profile I deserve and require. Plus they’re fans, yesterday they visited my site for 12 minutes. Well I thought they were fans until I found out whom else they work for.

Freud represents a certain "Privileged Lifestyle" internet channel, the former Code.TV, who changed its name last week partly because of me, although it probably had a lot more to do with the outcry of blogs that are read by more than 7 people per day. The point is, Freud is searching the blogosphere for negative feedback on LX.TV, the new name for Code.

LX is “Life/Style Television” because, well, we need more lifestyle information, what with only dozens of channels and magazines covering lifestyle it’s a wonder that people can even dress themselves in the morning. So here's your chance if you want to be read by a public relations giant, say something bad about LX.TV. For example, LX.TV is like Current TV if Current TV had been founded by a character in a Bret Easton Ellis novel. Shallow doesn't begin to describe it.

You Can't Spell Douche Without C-O-D-E

Code TV, the “must visit site” of posers, wannabe socialites, and lifestylephiles from coast to coast, hits us with yet another advertisement/review featuring your favorite slow-motion-winking correspondent Pedro Andrade. This time, Pedro visits Bordello, another lounge o’ douche that will probably close in less than a year. Highlights include Pedro’s tip for walking “beautiful” girls into a club, a bobble headed owner who, surprise, doesn’t button his shirt, and a woman screeching like an owl at the sheer sight of Pedro and the prestigious Code.TV crew. Plenty of awkward pauses, bad dancing, posturing, and of course winking, below.

Code.TV Must Be Stopped Or At Least Humiliated As Much As Possible

Not to steal Gawker’s coverage of Pedro Andrade, but I found another Pedro restaurant/bar/club review. Check out his face when, after ordering the Strawberry Grey Martini, he finds out the drink contains not Grey Goose, but gin, the drink of peasants and the inherently un-hip. The “Grey” stands for “Earl Grey” which makes his drink, “taste like the mountains.” But he’s really disappointed, you can tell. He also winks in slo-mo at the camera about 57 times. Enjoy.

Hey, It's A Fresh Kneecapped Post And Diet Update! Rejoice!

Sorry for the lack of posting and I won’t belittle you with lame excuses like complaining about “working too much” or some dumb shit. I haven’t posted, period. I feel lousy about and I’m sorry.

A few weeks ago I said I was going on a diet: no beer for one month, working out four times a week, and no more cigarettes ever. I also said I would post my progress on this here site. Well, it didn’t work out how I planned. Not only have I not been posting every Friday, but my “diet” failed miserably.

The beer fast lasted, oh, three hours. I went out the night of that post, suckling down those Modelos in the process. The next weekend, I went to the Beer on the Pier which as you may have already guessed consisted of drinking lots and lots of beer. I came to the realization that I can’t get beer out of my life, nor do I want to. Are these the rationalizations of a burgeoning alcoholic? Probably.

The working out didn’t materialize like I’d hoped either. I’ve done yoga twice in the last three weeks, which averages out to .67 times per week, a hair below my goal of 4 times per week. My walk to the subway is a mile long so I do walk 2 miles a day for my commute. Does this sound like the rationalizing of a burgeoning lazy piece of shit? Probably.

And to complete the failure, I've had the occasional cigarette in this time period as well. The smoking I'll quit by purchasing some Nicorette this weekend. It’s the goal I’d like to accomplish most of all. Does this sound like the rationalizations of someone fooling themselves? Probably.

In summation my current condition can still be summarized by this video.

Autumn, Writer's Block, Giraffes, and You

The crisp, fall air has filled me with so much joy I haven’t been able to muster any ill-tempered, blog filling pages for your (Geoff’s) reading enjoyment, and for that, I apologize.

When the air is cool and clean, the dog shit frosting the sidewalk along my path to the subway becomes a fun obstacle to skip, hop and dodge. Not a disgusting, rage inducing display of human laziness.

When the leaves start to turn and a sweatshirt becomes mandatory for walking outside, the people who stand unmoving in the subway doors cease to become the loathsome scum they clearly are on warmer days.

But fear not gentle readers, for the winds are blowing from the north, and with it an air so cold and bitter it turns your soul into ice, creating the perfect remedy for my autumnal writers block.

Here’s a video of a giraffe running:

Television Rules My Concentration

In honor of my job kicking my ass today I give you Daft Punk's "Television Rules The Nation" via youtube