Did I Almost Miss Dude Lighten Up Thursday?

Yes, I did almost miss "Dude Lighten Up Thursday" the most popular and only weekly Kneecapped feature. This week we have Tim Keown of ESPN.com. I actually read Tim's "List" column every week, mainly because it's short and good for the bathroom. Tim is an old fashioned contrarian and can find fault in just about anything that's popular, which is fine I guess. His picture, however, is not. Mr. Keown, you are this week's DLUT. How about not looking so smug and lighten up a little?

Dude, lighten up.

Thursday - What to Do? What to Do?

Okay, LOST was on last night so that makes today Thursday. What do I have to do on Thursday? I need to move my car, I know that, but there’s something else, something important. Oh, right, DUDE LIGHTEN UP THURSDAY! That's right, today is once again Dude Lighten Up Thursday, your favorite and only weekly Kneecapped feature.

This week’s DLUT is a first ballot Hall of Famer, go ahead and ask him. He’ll tell you straight out, because he just thinks he’s the best. Welcome to DLUT, Mike Francesa, co-host of Mike and the Mad Dog! Oh, don’t argue baseball with this guy, and don’t go near the horses, because he’s always right and when he isn’t he doesn’t acknowledge it! A brilliant strategy indeed and one I hope to adopt in my own life. No, that wouldn’t put me on the fast track to divorce, are you kidding me? Never admitting when you’re wrong is my new creed. One more fact, did you know that Mike Francesa is the reason the term “blowhard” exists? Look it up, it’s true.

It’s lonely at the top Mike, I know, Kneecapped can relate. Don’t worry, perhaps next week I’ll promote that human nasal passage partner of yours, but for now soak in your glory and maybe lighten up.

Dude, lighten up.

Don't Forget Reggie

I’m not one to pick nits, but this picture of Kevin Durant in a Celtics #35 jersey is an impossibility.

R.I.P. Reggie Lewis.

Kneecapped is Back and He Brought with Him "Dude Lighten Up Thursday!"

It’s Dude Lighten Up Thursday your favorite and only weekly Kneecapped feature. This week’s DLUT is New York Post columnist and all-round curmudgeon Phil Mushnick. Phil writes about media coverage of sports and he’s really not all bad (especially his contempt for ESPN), but this picture is ridiculous. Phil, smile! You’re not being lined up and executed. Stop acting tough because you’re not fooling anyone.

Dude, Lighten Up.

REPORT: Bill Simmons Still Funny

There are a lot of Bil Simmons haters out there, but this made me laugh. You might even say "I laughed out loud."

From this

"He's like a homeless man's Darko Milicic. And that's not a compliment."

C'mon that's funny, AA!

What's Arena League Football?

The Arena Football League has some fans I’ll give it that; lonely, sad, bored, nothing better to do on the weekend fans. I'm not one of them, but I wouldn't make fun of anyone who was. The sport just isn't for me. The AFL is a garbage sport much like pro wrestling, tractor pulling, and the NHL, but now that ESPN has the television rights to the Arena League it has become "cool" and "trendy" and "fun" and "exciting". The Worldwide Leader is telling sports fans to care about the AFL, not because it offers a diversion from spending time with your family and an excuse to drink (which has been its appeal in the past), but because it's a true and relevant sport.

The big push is happening with the AFL season about to kickoff. ESPN will force feed its audience the AFL whether we want it or not, they stand to make too much cash. If you watch ESPN you know they excel at one thing: promoting their product, so here's what to expect: They will brag about the ratings no matter how small, Around the Horn and PTI will talk about the league with reverence, and Stu Scott will hype the players to no end. Mike and Mike, the ESPN radio dinks and new AFL announcers already stammer and stutter about the AFL ceaselessly, and today it popped up on ESPN.com's AM JUMP (the poor man's version of the now defunct Daily Quickie). It's just another reason to hate the network I used to love.

What Day Is It? Dude Lighten Up Thursday That's What Day It Is!

This weeks DLUT is NY Post's sport columnist Kevin Kernan. His Picture always cracks me up and his sometimes surly articles match the photo beautifully. But, Kevin you write about sports for a living, you're not standing in a line-up or posing for your solo rap album. Lighten up!

Dude, lighten up!

Confessions of a Dying Sports Fan

Here are a few confessions from a dying sports fan (No, I’m not really dying, thanks for worrying, but my love of sports is):

I haven’t watched an entire NBA game all season.

I haven’t watched an entire NCAA College Basketball game all season.

I haven’t checked my fantasy basketball teams in two months.

I have no intention, desire or interest in fantasy baseball this year.

I’m really excited about the confession above.

Really excited.

I can’t seem to bring myself to care about sports since the Red Sox won the World Series.

Sports were better before ESPN became the World Wide Leader, the internet, and adulthood.

I don’t play sports video games.

Golf is terrible and I could give two shits about Tiger Woods’ greatness and Phil Mickelson’s propensity to choke.

Sports talk rots the brain. I really don’t understand how people can argue about sports with the same intensity as someone arguing about peace in the Middle East.

Mel Kiper Jr. makes me gag.

I hate sports reporters and journalists who have become television celebrities. Journalists as celebrities have destroyed objective reporting.

ESPN’s lips get closer to athletes asses than jock straps. Not really a confession this just bothers me).

Pitchers and catchers, schmitchers and schmatchers.

Maybe March Madness can get me out of this funk.

Chomp Chomp Chomp It's Dude Lighten Up Thursday!

Adam “Pacman” Jones got his nickname because of the way he ate up interceptions and went after receivers, but did you know he also has an appetite for human flesh as well? As everyone who cares about sports already knows, Pacman is in an alleged shit load of trouble. Pacman allegedly bit a bouncer’s ankle, punched and beat a stripper, and is connected with the person who shot up the club shortly after he left. Not good times for Mr. Jones. If he’s not careful, he could end up biting one more thing…the pillow…in prison. One minute you’re saving the rain forest and indulging in a little fun, the next minute you’re chugging cock. Oh, and Adam “Pacman” Jones you’re this week DLUT! Dude, lighten up. You get paid millions to play football. Why all the thuggery?

Dude, lighten up

Jokes That May Be Too Soon or Outright Mean

Dwyane Wade is taking living in Florida a little too seriously. Next stop Del Boca Vista. What, too soon?
My karma is fucked.

More on Tim Hardaway

I know you don't come here for insightful commentary, I certainly wouldn't come here. You know where I go for a thoughtful discussion of the issues of the day? To the ESPN message boards. These boards are chalk full of brilliant minds making brilliant comments like:

scubasteve093
sadly enough the liberal #### in the media are going to blow what Tim said way out of proportion like they do with everything! amaechi was a terrible basketball player and he is british where as Timmy was a great basketball player get over youself ameachi! more power to ya Timmy!

and

dahs222
I think he's right. There's a special place for them homose and it's probably not too far from where they send deadspoon readers.

Good stuff. I'd expect nothing less from ESPN commentators

Dude, Lighten Up Thursday

It's Dude Lighten Up Thursday time, but this week's DLUT is a disappointing one. I’m writing this as a man who once had a “Die Harder” Tim Hardaway poster on my wall. I also loved Hardaway’s Nike commercial with Spike Lee (“I gots skillz”) but now he finds himself a “Dude Lighten Up Thursday” inductee. How did Tim fall so fast? Well if you’ve watched SportsCenter you’ve heard about Timmy’s hate filled anti-gay rant on Miami radio. If not, read about it hear. So Tim, you’ve made millions of dollars, legions of fans adored you, and you got to play basketball for a living. Dude, Lighten Up. Why all the hate? Let’s bring out the love you DLUT you.

Dude, lighten up.

Dude, Lighten Up Thursday!

Surprisingly I'm not drunk this Thursday evening, and because of this I realized I never posted my new weekly smash hit "Dude Lighten Up Thursday!" My job is keeping me rather busy, but don't fear because DLUT is here. This week's DLUT is none other than the screaming, whining, Napoleon complex-ed, New York Daily News sports writer Mike Lupica.

Dude, lighten up!

Mike, you write about sports for a living, and have made, I'm sure, I nice chunk of change. It's entertainment, Mike, not Afghanistan. Lighten the fuck up!

Hey, I don't know about you guys, but I'm starting to see a little trend here on DLUT. If you don't know what I'm talking about you can always read the labels.

Kneecapped Reader Mail!

I’ve been writing this blog since August and I just received my first email. It was sent to me, Dan Shanoff, and DC Sports Guy. Somehow the author thinks that my blog actually has a readership.

The email was pimping these Indianapolis Colts Peyton Manning rap videos. You read that correctly. I had the song, “Damn It Feels Good To Have Peyton” stuck in my head all day after catching it on Deadspin. Ion can attest to this as I annoyed him by imitating the “rapper’s” slow Midwestern flow/drawl during the Colts vs. Patriots game.

I hate the Colts and I hate Peyton Manning, but being that this was my first reader email I will oblige and link to, but not embed the videos.

The video that started it all:

"Peyton Paradise"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tPzGI3JAbs0

The video that was stuck in my head:
"Damn It Feels Good To Have Peyton"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtFfuH7uBiE

And the classy:
"Dear Peyton (Take A Big Dump On The Bears)"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXy9t9v9LzY

Dude, Lighten Up Thursday

It’s time for another “Dude, Lighten Up Thursday” and I can barely contain my excitement. I don’t know how you do it. The week must drag from Friday through Wednesday as you wait for this weekly feature. Well, wait no more.

This week we have Glen Ordway, sports radio personality from my hometown WEEI in Boston. Basically he screams about sports for four hours a day with a bunch of other blowhard tools bags. Sports are a serious subject and it takes a serious man to discuss them. Groin pulls, coaching moves, which player slighted a dickhead reporter, it's pretty heavy stuff. This world has clearly pressed down hard on Mr. Ordway, or maybe he should just lighten the fuck up and smile for the camera. Too cool to smile tough guy?

Dude, lighten up.

Previously:

Lenn Robbins

"Dude, Lighten Up" Thursdays

This week's "Dude, Lighten Up Thursday" features Lenn Robbins, College Basketball Writer for the New York Post:

Dude, lighten up!

You're a college basketball writer, not an inner city crime reporter. You write about the fine points of Syracuse's man-zone defense, not the fine points of the Lebanese/Syrian political dynamic. You're not an FBI field agent; you cover athletes pretending not to have agents. Lighten up a little. Let's see those pearly whites.

It Was Fun While It Lasted

No, I'm not talking about this blog. I'm talking about the Boston Sports Dynasty that came to a crashing halt last night at about 10:30 P.M. EST. I don't know if I'm ready for a world where Peyton Manning is a championship quarterback.

I had a picture in mind to match with this post, Wile E. Coyote falling to the bottom of a canyon followed by the cloud of smoke. But I searched the entire internets and couldn't find one. If you know how to locate one, hook a depressed Patriots fan up. "Go fuck yourself" you say? "You've won plenty. Stop whining" you say? You know what, you're right. I can't complain about that game. Boston fans have had incredible run of luck in the last half decade. The other horseshoe was bound to drop sometime. Finally, we can go back to a world where our only expectation is failure on an epic scale. I’m home again.

Cheese With That Whine?

The “master of class” LaDainian Tomlinson, didn't like the Pats dancing on the field after the Chargers choked, fumbled, and personal fouled their way out of a victory on Sunday. Seems to me that LT2 is a bit caught up in his image as a "classy" guy. But see, classy guys don't say they're classy guys, that’s rule #1. Secondly, he was offended because the Patriots were mocking a dance performed by steroid abuser Shawn Merriman? A dance that Merriman performs when he wants to show up another team. What's classy about dancing and taunting? And finally, the Chargers were talking shit all day, taking cheep shots, and in 2005 when the Chargers killed the Pats the Chargers were dancing on the Patriot’s logo, but now LT2 bitches about it?. That's called being a sore loser, not acting classy.

Here's the whiner in action:

Yes, But Are They Talented?

I’m no Scrabble® wizard. Anyone who’s read this site knows the limits of my vocabulary are limited, but this line from John Clayton’s “First and Goal” on ESPN.com made me chuckle:

"Cameron knows he needs to find ways to get Tomlinson past the Patriots' talented defensive line so the talented back can make his moves on the linebackers and defensive backs."

Maybe we can break out the ol’ thesaurus next time John.

Dice-secting the Daisuke Matsuzaka Deal and Calling Mike Greenberg a Douche Bag

For some reason I torture myself every morning by waking up to Mike & Mike in the Morning on ESPN radio. Mike Greenberg’s hyperbole and Mike Golic’s stammering do not make for an enjoyable wake up call, but it beats the shrieking high pitched alarm, barely. Anyway, earlier this week the show was having Scott Boras on as a guest. In typical ESPN ass kiss fashion Greenie was repeating all morning that Boras was "playing the Red Sox like a fiddle" going as far as calling him Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof. Needless to say this pissed me off; the fact the Greenie was calling my home team suckers while at the same time sucking up to one of the most reprehensible characters in all of sports turned my stomach. He was being a bigger douche than normal and that's saying something.*

Today brings good news, however. Daisuke “Dice-K” Matsuzaka is all but signed (pending a physical) for the sum of $52 million over 6 years ($8.7 million per) including escalator clauses that quite frankly I hope he reaches (because they kick in if he finishes high in Cy Young and MVP voting) that could boost the contract to an average of about $10 million per year. The Red Sox initially offered $8 million a year and ended up signing him for 8.7 million per year. In comparison, Gil Meche, he of the a career ERA of 4.65, was just signed for $11 million dollars per year.

The Dice-K deal with the posting fee included averages out to over $17 million per year. No small potatoes to be sure, but that’s the kind of money Boras was initially hoping to sign Matsuzaka for, not $8.6 million. Boras had said he wasn’t going to consider the posting fee in his negotiations, clearly he had to. Other than over bidding the posting fee by $10 million the Dice-K deal couldn’t have worked out any better for the Sox.

So, Mike “Greenie” Greenberg, can we hear more about this fiddle that Boras was supposedly playing the Red Sox like because the music I hear sounds like the Sox got exactly the deal they wanted.

*(via Deadspin)