State of the Union Hall

It’s interesting that Gawker posted about Union Hall today. I went there this past weekend…twice. Embarrassing I know, but once you get the bocce itch you have to scratch it. On Saturday night I went there hoping to play a little bocce with friends, but of course when we got there we were roughly 30^th on the bocce list. So we gave up hope, found a table, and hung out. We learned a few things this first night at Union Hall. The first thing is that the wait staff is utterly miserable. Not at serving--the drinks came promptly--they’re just an unfriendly, depressing lot. They’re rude, don’t thank you for their tips and, in one case, short change you and never return. The second thing you notice is that, yes, it is indeed a homogeneously white crowd. I felt like I was in a bar on Newbury Street in Boston. Not that my group of friends helped the lack of diversity. And who knew The Arcaded Fire was the current style icon of Park Slope?

Being the sucker that I am I lobbied for a return visit the following afternoon. I had a primal urge to play me some bocce. This time the bar wasn’t as crowded. Unfortunately it reminded me of Mos Eisly Space Port populated by douchebag, bocce-snob, yuppie-hipster, Park Slope scum and villainy. Put it this way, there was a guy wearing a sweater vest. The front of the vest was grey with a crest. The back of the vest was blue and black argyle. It was like I’d stepped into a Nantucket yacht club. I finally got on the court, and the guy we were playing against was the biggest dickhead I have ever met. Just an out and out DOUCHE! I won’t get into the boring specifics of the game, but we lost. Want to play some bocce, Arcade Fire?

I won’t be going back to Union Hall ever again. I learned that going to Park Slope on two consecutive days causes one to hate the human race and New York City in general. If you want to play bocce, head to the less pretentious Floyd’s on Atlantic Ave.

Want to play some bocce Arcade Fire?

You Can’t Spell Laxative Without “L – X”

It's been a little while since Freud Communications visited my site so I thought it time for another Code.TV/LX.TV post. The video below follows in the "Models and Bottles" tradition of the now infamous A.J. video and is titled "Beautiful Babies". It's now clear that Code.TV and Freud don't care about bad publicity or embarrassing videos. They're embracing their shallowness and nurturing the unintentional comedy goldmine that is "putting a camera on a nightlife fixture and letting the duchetricity shock and awe you." Now, without further ado, a club owner who's about as smooth as a five year-old skateboarding down a gravel road.

A Pretentious Website By Any Other Name Is Still A Pretentious Website

Freud Communications, the public relations firm that handles entertainment and media brands such as Elle Magazine, A & E Television, and Sony Pictures has been checking out my blog. With the raging success of Kneecapped I’ve been seeking representation, and Freud certainly fits the high profile I deserve and require. Plus they’re fans, yesterday they visited my site for 12 minutes. Well I thought they were fans until I found out whom else they work for.

Freud represents a certain "Privileged Lifestyle" internet channel, the former Code.TV, who changed its name last week partly because of me, although it probably had a lot more to do with the outcry of blogs that are read by more than 7 people per day. The point is, Freud is searching the blogosphere for negative feedback on LX.TV, the new name for Code.

LX is “Life/Style Television” because, well, we need more lifestyle information, what with only dozens of channels and magazines covering lifestyle it’s a wonder that people can even dress themselves in the morning. So here's your chance if you want to be read by a public relations giant, say something bad about LX.TV. For example, LX.TV is like Current TV if Current TV had been founded by a character in a Bret Easton Ellis novel. Shallow doesn't begin to describe it.

You Can't Spell Douche Without C-O-D-E

Code TV, the “must visit site” of posers, wannabe socialites, and lifestylephiles from coast to coast, hits us with yet another advertisement/review featuring your favorite slow-motion-winking correspondent Pedro Andrade. This time, Pedro visits Bordello, another lounge o’ douche that will probably close in less than a year. Highlights include Pedro’s tip for walking “beautiful” girls into a club, a bobble headed owner who, surprise, doesn’t button his shirt, and a woman screeching like an owl at the sheer sight of Pedro and the prestigious Code.TV crew. Plenty of awkward pauses, bad dancing, posturing, and of course winking, below.

Code.TV Must Be Stopped Or At Least Humiliated As Much As Possible

Not to steal Gawker’s coverage of Pedro Andrade, but I found another Pedro restaurant/bar/club review. Check out his face when, after ordering the Strawberry Grey Martini, he finds out the drink contains not Grey Goose, but gin, the drink of peasants and the inherently un-hip. The “Grey” stands for “Earl Grey” which makes his drink, “taste like the mountains.” But he’s really disappointed, you can tell. He also winks in slo-mo at the camera about 57 times. Enjoy.