Re-opening Kneecapped

Because what the hell, we're not doing anything else. Kneecapped is back, probably not better than ever, but it's back. A few changes:

We will now only use the Royal pronoun when talking about ourselves. 

Editing is entirely optional. We will no longer painstakingly go over each and every line with a fine toothed comb and fix posts that have already been posted. Once it's up, it's up, warts and all. Unless we opt to fix it, which we won't.

Linking to other blogs in a blogroll, caring about readership, joining "the blogesphere" community - all out.

We will keep tapir talk to a bare minimum 10 posts per week. 

Kneecapped Your Home For Tapir News

Since Kneecapped is the blog authority on all things tapir naturally I'm linking to this story on the front of Boston.com: a very nice tapir story and naming contest. Enjoy.

Link of the Day: Baby Tapirs!

Since Kneecapped is the blogging authority on all things tapirs I was pleased when Yahoo! featured this story on Sunday morning.

The Demise of Kneecapped.

Kneecapped has been on a steady decline the past few months. Most of it is my fault. I was slowing things down and was pretty much on a part time schedule. Then I had my biggest night ever right after the State of the Union Address and I got sucked back into it. Kneecapped is a seductive mistress, she is. This past week, however, has taken a toll on this here site.

First off, I’m going to bitch about Technorati for a minute. Technorati doesn’t credit all of all my links. Geoff has linked to me a bunch of times, but Technorati has not picked up on this and other links as well. I linked to The Bestest Blog of All Time with a promise of getting a link in return. It was a weak moment I know, but I’m a link whore, okay. Sue me. The punishment for my vanity? Technorati has not credited this link either.

Second, Technorati took away three of my links. So what if they were links from porn directories attracted to my blog because of my extensive writings on tapirs and the weirdoes who search for sex photos of the beast? They shouldn’t have taken my links away especially since they don’t credit me for the legitimate sites that link here.

The downfall of Kneecapped doesn’t stop there. What happened next? Well, TrailerSpy, a site I linked to in its infancy because my wife knew the girl who was starting it up, dropped me from their blogroll. They had returned the favor to me adding me to their “Friends of TrailerSpy” list, but I went back on their site and my link is gone. True, my site only gets 20 hits per day and I’m routinely ignored throughout the blogosphere, but does that give you the right to throw me away like so many “Employee of the Month” DVDs? Getting axed from their site, though probably warranted, stings like a bitch.

Lastly, my Google page rank was just downgraded from a “3” to a”2”. If you’re familiar with page rank you know the difference between ranks is infinite. Or in other words, my blog is infinitely less relevant than it was two days ago. Infinitely! In two days!

These are not promising signs for Kneecapped and a wiser man would pack up the mailbag, bid “adieu”, and maybe write for another blog. But what of this other blog you ask? Well, its tied up in legal, but it should be up and running in about 5 - 6 months.

During times like these I like to think back to the immortal words of my man Big Daddy Kane:

“Anything goes when it comes to prose, cuz blogging ain’t easy.” *



*With word play like that it’s a wonder this blog hasn’t taken off. Or is it a wonder that I’m married? Either/or.

Not Everyone Likes My Site

Well, the headline should probably read, "Practically No One Likes My Site" but whatever.

As if the paltry single digit site visits wasn't enough to destroy my fragile ego I got this email from BlogBurst.

Thank you for requesting an invitation to BlogBurst. At this time your blog is not a good match for our current set of publisher partners. However, our network of publishers is quickly growing and we encourage you to check back with us occasionally. We expect for many of the blogs not invited in this early period to be a part of the BlogBurst network in the future.Thank you for your interest in BlogBurst, and best wishes.

Best Regards,The BlogBurst Team

Very ouch. That stings the nostrils and my self-esteem. To be honest, I don't really know what BlogBurst even is exactly. I signed up for it after seeing it on Gowanus Lounge, but I think it's a directory for elite blogs or something. All I know is they want no part of Kneecapped. And with all the tapir sex reference on my site I guess I can't really blame them.

Tapirs and Me: An Archive of Tapir Posts:
The Post that got it all started The Bronx Zoo

The post that took it to the next level: The Sitemeter Tapir Search

When my site was growing on the back of Tapir sex searches: My Success Got the Best of Me

Beating a dead tapir: About My Readership

Hello 2007...Four Days Late!

Happy New Year everybody! So, I took a few days off from the blog, shoot me. No one reads this thing anyway. The few of you that do probably have my email or phone number so if you really wanted to hear from me you could have reached out. You didn’t and I’m still getting over it.

The rest of you tapir sex, Jessica Simpson/Direct TV commercial, and Marc Bulger searching fools shouldn't be mad either. You stumble upon these pages only to be disappointed on arrival.

The tapir folks are upset with my lack of graphic photos. Alas, this is a blog written by one mortal man with a full time job and five kids to feed. I can’t be expected to please your bizarre fetishes.

The Jessica Simpson crowd is searching for answers for why she is such a horrible actress. Answers that I cannot possibly provide as only the All Mighty itself can truly explicate the limits of her talents. Maybe Pat Robertson will ask next time he raps wit tha Lord.

And who knew there were so many Marc Bulger fans out there? What a dull life you must lead. Only joking. There’s only one Tom Brady and once you go Tom you never go…root for someone else.

I’ll try to do better. It was my New Years resolution to update more frequently so expect posting to stop by Valentine’s Day. Or, if things work out there may be a new website in the near future. Check back for the teaser trailer, but until then check out this teaser trailer.

Thank you for joining me and good luck in the 2-Bond.

My Success Got The Best of Me

It was the week of 11/26 and Kneecapped was averaging 24 visits per day and climbing. I had cornered the market on Jessica Simpson Direct TV and animal sex searches. My blog was linked to two porn sites because of my riveting tapir post. Kneecapped was about to blow up and take over the blogsphere. Needless to say, I was on top of the world. So what do I do? I don’t post for five days and ruin everything. Site visits plummeted from 24 to 21 per day, and you know what? I deserve it.

I abandoned you, my audience, my fans, my loyal servants. They say “leave people wanting more” but I‘ve traveled way beyond that. You my readers, began by simply wanting more, but soon, around Monday night or so, you began needing more. This of course led to that depression you felt around Tuesday afternoon which quickly morphed into the anger that enveloped you late Tuesday night. There was no sign that Kneecapped would ever be updated again and you wanted to hit something or someone. I’m writing here to apologize for putting you through that emotional rollercoaster.

So, Geoff, Ion, Jonah, Irene, Jodi, Tapir Sex Search Guy, and the tens of people around the country who stumble upon my blog every single day, I’m sorry. Please for give me, and keep coming back because things around here can only get better.

Tapir Sex is the New People Sex

A popular gimmick (although gimmick is too harsh a word, really) used by many bloggers in the Gawker Blog Pack is to write about funny searches that lead people to your blog. I’m not criticizing it (and I’d recommend checking out those links) I’m just making an observation.

I too, have done it. I’ve written about my current Google position for “Jessica Simpson Direct TV commercial” searches which is currently #3 and is responsible for about 50% of my web hits at the moment. I’ve had some other interesting searches such as “exploding dog” and a disturbing search for “slitting your wrists” that have lead to Kneecapped, but nothing that’s been funny enough to warrant a whole post. That is until today.

This morning while checking out my Sitemeter I started laughing like a madman in my empty apartment after seeing that this search directed some deranged Aussie web-surfer to my site:

“tapir zoo sex fucking free images”

What in the name of fuck?

Tapir sex photos! And free ones at that! Shit, man, if you want to see pictures of tapirs getting it on you’re going to have to pay for that shit. People don’t just post free pictures of tapirs fucking. That shit is gold and is sold to the highest bidder or anyone with a C.C. billing account. The internet isn’t just some den of free animal pornography. It's a research tool, not something to be used for your warped tapir sex fetish.

He must be an ass man.

For more on tapirs check this post.

The Zoo is on Our Side of the Bars - The Bronx Edition

Bear with me, I'm going to be a bit of a dick for a minute.

I went to The Bronx Zoo today and nothing stokes my hatred of the masses more than a large weekend crowd, especially when 99.7% are pushing oversized strollers. Now, if there's anyplace that should be chockfull of strollers it's the zoo, it's a great activity for the family, but people the doorways of the world are no place to park your fucking Bugaboo. I know they look cool and I know everyone was fighting to buy it off your baby shower registry, but the world does not stop because you need to speak slowly and in an educational tone to your child. The sound of a father talking in that voice makes my skin crawl.

Also, have you noticed that every last mutherfucker out there is an amateur photographer? Digital photography and Photoshop has every asshole with disposable income thinking they're Ansel Adams. This one douche bag was dressed like he was working for National Geographic shooting pictures of Gwyneth Paltrow in the Kalahari instead of a sleeping tiger through a Plexiglas wall in The Bronx. Oversized backpack to get in everyone's way? Check. 12 inch telescopic lens? Check. Water bottle strategically strapped to backpack in case of sudden drought? Check. Fannypack to prove you're a tourist? You betcha! The width of this guy from backpack to lens was wide enough to stop most NHL penalty shots without moving. But did he realize this? Of course not. He was spinning and turning and backing up and stopping short just to be sure to smack everyone in a 20 foot radius in the face with his bag.

And then there was this one middle aged balding man and his video camera. I think he was alone which immediately caught my attention. There’s nothing quite like a middle-age loner hanging out at the zoo to make you check the amber alert when you get home. Everywhere I stood he would come up right next to me and video tape whatever sleeping animal I was looking at, riveting. (Or as The Bronx Zoo gift shop advertising would say "ribbiting".) I for one would love to get the dailies back from this little shoot. The five minutes he spent filming the tapir's ass is sure to be a tour de force. What I would give to be a fly on the wall when he plays this video to some poor schmucks at a dinner party, “Guess what everybody, I went to the zoo today…and I tape every last second. Let’s watch! Dear, get the lights.”

The lessons are of course are a) don't do anything in New York on the weekends, period. We’re talking lines that would make a communist dictator drool. (b) Unless you're a professional photographer, creepy stalker, or confined to a wheel chair in your apartment, leave the telescopic lens at home. We're all impressed with your little hobby, but let's keep things under control shall we? And (c) birth control, though condemned by the Church, is a good thing and we shouldn’t be afraid to keep using it for as long as possible.

Other than that, The Bronx Zoo is awesome and you should all check it out if you haven't, seriously.