Yes, But Are They Talented?

I’m no Scrabble® wizard. Anyone who’s read this site knows the limits of my vocabulary are limited, but this line from John Clayton’s “First and Goal” on ESPN.com made me chuckle:

"Cameron knows he needs to find ways to get Tomlinson past the Patriots' talented defensive line so the talented back can make his moves on the linebackers and defensive backs."

Maybe we can break out the ol’ thesaurus next time John.

Come Up With Your Own Jokes, Gawker

I’ve made the big time. Gawker ripped off the easy and obvious joke that I wrote here yesterday.

Gawker wrote this:

“We're going to recommend that they go with the classic ‘he who smelt it
dealt it’ defense-- it's been working for us since first grade.”

Here's what I wrote:

"The City looks to blame New Jersey's silent-but-violent reputation. New Jersey counters by saying, 'Whoever smelt it dealt it.'"

Are fart jokes no longer sacred?

NEWS FLASH!! New York Smells

A disgusting odor has taken over New York, covering the normally pleasant fragrances of exhaust, urine, stale beer, vomit, and garbage. The City looks to blame New Jersey's silent-but-violent reputation. New Jersey counters by saying, "Whoever smelt it dealt it." I'll be back with more info as this story develops.

More Stupidity from Lowermybills.com

What do I do when it's 69 degrees on January 6th? I post about Lowermybills.com. This is a strict rule that I have. So, being that it is 69 degrees here in New York City on January 6th here's a yet another incredibly stupid Lowermybills.com advert. We're getting closer and closer to the lip piercing ad. Now I'm off to Coney Island to get ice cream.

Previous Lowermybills.com Posts
Would You Sign Your Life Away To This Company?
Lowermybills Loves the Tatties

Hello 2007...Four Days Late!

Happy New Year everybody! So, I took a few days off from the blog, shoot me. No one reads this thing anyway. The few of you that do probably have my email or phone number so if you really wanted to hear from me you could have reached out. You didn’t and I’m still getting over it.

The rest of you tapir sex, Jessica Simpson/Direct TV commercial, and Marc Bulger searching fools shouldn't be mad either. You stumble upon these pages only to be disappointed on arrival.

The tapir folks are upset with my lack of graphic photos. Alas, this is a blog written by one mortal man with a full time job and five kids to feed. I can’t be expected to please your bizarre fetishes.

The Jessica Simpson crowd is searching for answers for why she is such a horrible actress. Answers that I cannot possibly provide as only the All Mighty itself can truly explicate the limits of her talents. Maybe Pat Robertson will ask next time he raps wit tha Lord.

And who knew there were so many Marc Bulger fans out there? What a dull life you must lead. Only joking. There’s only one Tom Brady and once you go Tom you never go…root for someone else.

I’ll try to do better. It was my New Years resolution to update more frequently so expect posting to stop by Valentine’s Day. Or, if things work out there may be a new website in the near future. Check back for the teaser trailer, but until then check out this teaser trailer.

Thank you for joining me and good luck in the 2-Bond.

Kneecapped's Year That Was - A summary in 12 Parts

So it’s the end of another year. Fan-fucking-tastic! And what better way to celebrate than by recounting the year that was. Since I was the Time person of the year let’s recount my tremendous trip ‘round the sun, a twelve month tour de force certainly worthy of the cover of the top weekly news rag (no one’s made fun of that Time cover yet, right?) The format: I will recap one or two events from each history making month of 2006. A task that, after cutting through the haze of time and alcohol, is harder than it sounds.

January
I was selected as a juror on a horrific case and the defendants tried to escape the courtroom by stabbing their lawyer in the neck and tackling the bailiff. Not the ideal way to start the year, but at least the murderers were convicted a month later.

February
Saw Sammy Hagar perform with Chad Smith at Cabo Wabo in Cabo San Lucas and learned that he still can’t drive 55. Hangover followed.

March
March sucks. It’s by far my least favorite month and it should probably be stricken from the calendar. But since I’m not God…yet (hint, hint Time Magazine) I scanned the deep reaches of my mind and came up with spending St. Patrick’s Day in the fine Irish pub Welcome to the Johnsons. Plus, my NCAA bracket was destroyed after the first day. This is the best I can come up with which is in a nutshell why I hate March.

April
Went to see Ladytron at Irving Plaza. Loved the show, had fun, felt old.

May
Celebrated my first wedding anniversary. “Jodi, they said we couldn’t do it baby but we showed the world!”

June
Moved into a new apartment, began a 30 year journey into debt service.

July

Fell in love with soccer all over again. Is there any doubt that the 2006 World Cup was the event of the year? (This event took place in June as well.)

August
Started a little blog you may have heard about. No, Still haven’t heard about it? Get ready for a big ad campaign in the New Year. A hint, it involves me sitting at a street corner with a cow and a poster of Laura Dern.

September
Saw the Flaming Lips and wanted to punch the dickhead fan who was wearing a giant backpack, chickened out.

October
Didn’t dress up for Halloween for the 7th straight year. A personal highlight.

Almost died at a Massive Attack concert.

November
I met a certain someone who I had been poking fun at on this space, awkwardness followed. If I really wanted to confront these people I wouldn’t have a blog, I’d have courage.

10 year high school reunion.

December
I wrote a narcissistic blog about my award winning year.

Realized I gained about 15 – 20 pounds in 2006. All this after swearing I would jog everyday.

You Say Tomato I Say The Housing Market's Fine

I don't know who's spinning what, but these two news wires (Yahoo! on top, Fox News below) took the same data and news story and attached completely opposite headlines to them, Fox being more optimistic. READERS NOTE: Please try and ignore the Penis Cartoon/STD story on the Fox wire.

Yeah, But Shouldn't The Beautiful Young Actress Be, Well, Beautiful?

Maggie Gyllenhaal is not beautiful as evidenced by this photo where she does her best Olsen twin impression. She looks like my great aunt. See the larger picure here.