DLA Teleprocessing Network

A quick question, should I be worried that the Defense Logistics Agency (DLA) Teleprocessing Center visits my site every morning at 7:50 AM? Or should I be flattered? Anyone know what they do over at the DLA, because this just sounds like mumbo jumbo?

If so, please comment or send to kneecapped@gmail.com.

Thanks, although I'm sure I have nothing to worry about from my own government.

Would You Sign Your Life Away To This Company?

Here's an ad I found on Yahoo! today from Lowermybills.com. You may recognize that name as it's usually found in-between a "penile enlargement" and a "nude pictures of Lindsay Lohan" email in your spam folder.

I realize tattoos are all the rage in this "alternative-style-to-look-like-everyone-else" age, but a cartoon needle inking a "Calculate New Payments" tattoo on your arm? It comes across as slightly, if not, obscenely ridiculous. Not to mention sleazy. This is not the place I'd go to sign 30 years of my life away. I don't know, something about it just screams, “predatory lending!”

What's next, a flash animated lip piercing promoting doctors in your area?

You Can't Spell Douche Without C-O-D-E

Code TV, the “must visit site” of posers, wannabe socialites, and lifestylephiles from coast to coast, hits us with yet another advertisement/review featuring your favorite slow-motion-winking correspondent Pedro Andrade. This time, Pedro visits Bordello, another lounge o’ douche that will probably close in less than a year. Highlights include Pedro’s tip for walking “beautiful” girls into a club, a bobble headed owner who, surprise, doesn’t button his shirt, and a woman screeching like an owl at the sheer sight of Pedro and the prestigious Code.TV crew. Plenty of awkward pauses, bad dancing, posturing, and of course winking, below.

The Lack of Buybacks is Whack, Plus Ion's Take.

I’m writing today about buybacks, free drinks, comps, or whatever else you call them. A buyback is when you’ve drank a few beers (usually three to four), have tipped for these beers (I’m talking a dollar per drink, minimum,) are in a real bar (not a swanky lounge or some lame place like that,) and the bartender gives you a free beer. Sometimes they knock on the counter and place a new pint of what you ordered; sometimes they’ll just say, “On me.” A nice dive bar I’ve written about turns over a shot glass and stacks it on your tip pile to signify that the next one is “on the house.” It’s a little thank you for the tipping and for spending $5 a beer when you can just walk next door and buy a six pack for $7, okay $10. Buybacks are good business. To make a long definition short, buybacks are fucking fantastic.

So last night, at a nice local bar, my friend Ion and I meet up for drinks and encountered a stingy bartender of epic proportions. The bar is a place we go to with some frequency, as it’s the only option in the neighborhood, but it’s not like we’re close with the bartender, who’s a nice guy if not totally clueless. Tonight the bar has five people in it when we arrive. We order and drink our beer jollily and recount the excitement of our day.

Things are going swimmingly as the guy across from me gets his third whisky on the house. I order my third beer, “that will be five dollars.” My friend orders his third, “Five bucks.” No big deal, although that guy across from us got comped. I order my fourth beer, “Five dollars.” Okay, that sucks, should have been free, whatever. I order my fifth beer, “five dollars, thanks.” Shit’s getting ridiculous, and I’m starting to take it personal. Twenty dollars and not a single buyback! He gave the whisky guy a buyback after TWO whiskeys, but I guess they were friends, apparently we’re shit. I order my sixth beer when Ion orders his fifth. The bartender walks over and says looking to me, “ok I got yours,” turns to Ion, “yours will be five bucks.” Fucking balls. At least he smartened up with me, but the rocks on this fucking guy for not comping my friend at the same time. You need to buy five beers before you get a free drink! You can’t even enjoy a sixth beer. Ion never got his free beer that he earned and deserved, and we left the bar defeated.

Tonight I’ll see how many steps you have to pass before you get a free sobriety token.

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Ion wanted to respond as well. His recap is much shorter and blunter than mine and I think you’ll enjoy. Without further ado, the first installment of Ion's Take.

Hey mister bartender, I've bought 6 beers without a buyback from you and I now think you are a douchebag. Actually, I thought you were a jerk after 4 beers, but this proves my point.

Burn Rubber Not Statues

According to the sublime Gothamist Maps, a man threatened to burn the Statue of Liberty this morning. Not sure exactly how you “burn” a giant copper statue, the melting point of copper is 1984.32 °F. Maybe he thinks he’s a glass of orange juice after dropping the brown acid at Burning Man?

Code.TV Must Be Stopped Or At Least Humiliated As Much As Possible

Not to steal Gawker’s coverage of Pedro Andrade, but I found another Pedro restaurant/bar/club review. Check out his face when, after ordering the Strawberry Grey Martini, he finds out the drink contains not Grey Goose, but gin, the drink of peasants and the inherently un-hip. The “Grey” stands for “Earl Grey” which makes his drink, “taste like the mountains.” But he’s really disappointed, you can tell. He also winks in slo-mo at the camera about 57 times. Enjoy.

World To End In 8 - 9 Months

It’s not rare to have religious nuts preach to you on the subway, but the man who was harassing us on the bus this morning was a different kind of creature. He had the look of an ex-con who learned his warped evangelicalism in Sing Sing, and his nervous tick said, “I’ll stab everybody in here.”

After sarcastically greeting a Hasidic man with a booming, “Shalom!” he then began his anti-Semitic sermon to his captive parish. He claimed the temple of Israel divided when they didn’t embrace their true ruler, directly asking the Hasidic man if he knew this. This question was met with the man and several others moving away.

He slurred that in his studies he found that humans have been worshipping “female ‘dentities’ like Isis” for centuries and that the anti-Christ would also be a woman. If you want to take bets whether or not he’s right you’re in luck because apparently the anti-Christ has already been conceived by the world, and during the next eight to nine months of the gestation period bad things will happen. If you can find the time to repent during that time frame, Crazy-Ex-Con-Preacher Man suggests you do so.

And with news this morning of Kate Moss being impregnated by Pete Doherty maybe it is time to sneak a few Hail Mary’s into your routine. Don’t say I never did anything for you.

Hey, It's A Fresh Kneecapped Post And Diet Update! Rejoice!

Sorry for the lack of posting and I won’t belittle you with lame excuses like complaining about “working too much” or some dumb shit. I haven’t posted, period. I feel lousy about and I’m sorry.

A few weeks ago I said I was going on a diet: no beer for one month, working out four times a week, and no more cigarettes ever. I also said I would post my progress on this here site. Well, it didn’t work out how I planned. Not only have I not been posting every Friday, but my “diet” failed miserably.

The beer fast lasted, oh, three hours. I went out the night of that post, suckling down those Modelos in the process. The next weekend, I went to the Beer on the Pier which as you may have already guessed consisted of drinking lots and lots of beer. I came to the realization that I can’t get beer out of my life, nor do I want to. Are these the rationalizations of a burgeoning alcoholic? Probably.

The working out didn’t materialize like I’d hoped either. I’ve done yoga twice in the last three weeks, which averages out to .67 times per week, a hair below my goal of 4 times per week. My walk to the subway is a mile long so I do walk 2 miles a day for my commute. Does this sound like the rationalizing of a burgeoning lazy piece of shit? Probably.

And to complete the failure, I've had the occasional cigarette in this time period as well. The smoking I'll quit by purchasing some Nicorette this weekend. It’s the goal I’d like to accomplish most of all. Does this sound like the rationalizations of someone fooling themselves? Probably.

In summation my current condition can still be summarized by this video.