State of the Union Hall

It’s interesting that Gawker posted about Union Hall today. I went there this past weekend…twice. Embarrassing I know, but once you get the bocce itch you have to scratch it. On Saturday night I went there hoping to play a little bocce with friends, but of course when we got there we were roughly 30^th on the bocce list. So we gave up hope, found a table, and hung out. We learned a few things this first night at Union Hall. The first thing is that the wait staff is utterly miserable. Not at serving--the drinks came promptly--they’re just an unfriendly, depressing lot. They’re rude, don’t thank you for their tips and, in one case, short change you and never return. The second thing you notice is that, yes, it is indeed a homogeneously white crowd. I felt like I was in a bar on Newbury Street in Boston. Not that my group of friends helped the lack of diversity. And who knew The Arcaded Fire was the current style icon of Park Slope?

Being the sucker that I am I lobbied for a return visit the following afternoon. I had a primal urge to play me some bocce. This time the bar wasn’t as crowded. Unfortunately it reminded me of Mos Eisly Space Port populated by douchebag, bocce-snob, yuppie-hipster, Park Slope scum and villainy. Put it this way, there was a guy wearing a sweater vest. The front of the vest was grey with a crest. The back of the vest was blue and black argyle. It was like I’d stepped into a Nantucket yacht club. I finally got on the court, and the guy we were playing against was the biggest dickhead I have ever met. Just an out and out DOUCHE! I won’t get into the boring specifics of the game, but we lost. Want to play some bocce, Arcade Fire?

I won’t be going back to Union Hall ever again. I learned that going to Park Slope on two consecutive days causes one to hate the human race and New York City in general. If you want to play bocce, head to the less pretentious Floyd’s on Atlantic Ave.

Want to play some bocce Arcade Fire?

Jaw Dropping

Sometimes, when the time is right and the fates smile down upon you, you stumble across the greatest Yahoo! headline ever: Britney Spears Shaves Head.

Got To Admit I'm Getting Older, Getting Older All The Time

It happened this past weekend. The final nail in my “I still feel young” coffin was hammered into place. My wife and I (yes, my wife, surprisingly getting married wasn’t the last nail in the coffin) went back to my alma mater to soak in nostalgia, indulge in delicious food from our favorite restaurants, and take a break from New York City’s soul-crushing grip for a few days.

I knew going in that I would feel old hanging around a college town, but I wasn’t prepared for what happened at Judy’s, a restaurant we used to frequent. We sat down and the waiter came to take our drink order. I asked him what kind of beers they had and he read off the list. I ordered a Stella as my hand started toward my pocket to pull out my I.D. The waiter made a strange, almost knowing face and said, “Okay” and walked toward the bar. He didn’t card me and I think he did it on purpose. He didn’t want to give me the satisfaction of getting carded. This is a college town mind you, everyone gets carded.

The waiter came back and took our food orders and headed to the table next to us. The customer ordered a beer and the waiter says, “Can I see your I.D.?” My wife started laughing as my jaw hit the floor. She comforted me by saying that he “looked really young” but my heart was broken.

We headed to McMurphy’s, a bar next door, and I took little solace when the bartender carded me. She was just being polite and covering her ass because Amherst cops are fucking bastards and bars have to I.D. everyone who looks under 35, but why didn’t I receive that same courtsey at Judy’s?

So that was that. Coming on the heels of my 29th birthday and a girl at work saying she thought I was much older than I was, not getting carded brought my youth to a crashing halt. I like to think that my wedding ring ages me, but it’s all down hill from here. Next stop Depends and prune juice.

For fun and to make myself feel even older here’s a list of things that were rare or practically non-existent throughout my college career:

Cell Phones
Only the showy douches had cell phones and I remember thinking how ridiculous it was when I saw kids talking on them while walking across campus.

High Speed Internet
Ethernet was being developed for dorm rooms but my college generation spans that strange time when people really didn’t go on-line that much. We surfed mainly for porn and to watch the Victoria’s Secret runway show, which is pretty much like porn. I got my first email address in college and we went to little cubicles to access email on 10 year-old computers. I got my first non “.EDU” email address after I graduated. I remember it vividly; I was in an internet café in Prague and I was more amazed by my Hotmail account than by the Astronomical Clock.

DVD Players
My roommate got a DVD player my junior year as a bonus for slaving away for a summer and a semester at a major pharmaceutical company. We thought it was the most amazing thing in the world. The one problem, the video stores only had 5 DVDs to rent.

Flat Screen TVs
Flat screens now adorn the walls of all the Amherst bars, but when I was in school they were mearly a pipe dream inspired by those Philips ads with that Gomez cover song “Got to admit it's getting better…”

iPods
I walked around campus my freshmen and sophomore year listening to Wu-Tang mixes on my Walkman.

Mid Season Replacement - Kick Ass New Show to Premiere on FX

I stumbled upon this teaser trailer for a new show premiering this spring on FX. Enjoy.

More on Tim Hardaway

I know you don't come here for insightful commentary, I certainly wouldn't come here. You know where I go for a thoughtful discussion of the issues of the day? To the ESPN message boards. These boards are chalk full of brilliant minds making brilliant comments like:

scubasteve093
sadly enough the liberal #### in the media are going to blow what Tim said way out of proportion like they do with everything! amaechi was a terrible basketball player and he is british where as Timmy was a great basketball player get over youself ameachi! more power to ya Timmy!

and

dahs222
I think he's right. There's a special place for them homose and it's probably not too far from where they send deadspoon readers.

Good stuff. I'd expect nothing less from ESPN commentators

Dude, Lighten Up Thursday

It's Dude Lighten Up Thursday time, but this week's DLUT is a disappointing one. I’m writing this as a man who once had a “Die Harder” Tim Hardaway poster on my wall. I also loved Hardaway’s Nike commercial with Spike Lee (“I gots skillz”) but now he finds himself a “Dude Lighten Up Thursday” inductee. How did Tim fall so fast? Well if you’ve watched SportsCenter you’ve heard about Timmy’s hate filled anti-gay rant on Miami radio. If not, read about it hear. So Tim, you’ve made millions of dollars, legions of fans adored you, and you got to play basketball for a living. Dude, Lighten Up. Why all the hate? Let’s bring out the love you DLUT you.

Dude, lighten up.

G - d Bless America

I was reading Page Six today (shut up, I know) and found something that caught my eye, other than the Scarlett Johansson photo. It was this post on a rabbi giving Britney Spears advice:

My blasphemy knowledge is pretty god-damn limited, but I’m pretty sure saying “God Bless You” doesn't count. Why then did Page Six censor “God” in both it’s newspaper and on-line additions. Is this something that's often done and I just wasn't aware of it? Why is “God bless you” censored? Bill O’Reilly must be throwing a tantrum. He must have known that The Attack on Christmas would soon reach The Almighty, but I bet he didn’t expect this from his network's paper. Is God bless you offensive? Anybody? Does it need to be censored. Seems odd.

Red Carpet Versus Awards Shows

Let's just have a monthly event were we parade out all the stars we want to see, have them walk the red carpet, and then go to a party where there’s another red carpet. It's clear that this is all that matters. Let's end this silly facade of award shows as an event to acknowledge greatness. The Grammy Awards, and award shows in general (the Academy Awards is hanging on by a thread) cease to be relevant when the most talked about subject is the red carpet and fashion, not the winners of the awards.

Take Yahoo! For example. On Yahoo!’s homepage they have two tabs “Featured” and “Entertainment” and the only place where winners are mentioned is in small type on the “Entertainment” tab. Both tabs feature the red carpet. The Grammy’s are now officially on the same level as the Blockbuster Awards, Teen Choice Awards, and every other fake awards show.

I know I shouldn’t be surprised by this an I’m not, but are celebrities really that interesting? You’re damn fucking right they are! I don’t know how I’d function without them.