Sarcasm Makes Me Laugh

I stumbled upon a funny blog yesterday, Dear Douchebag, and today's post featured an article about America's Next Top Model advertisements getting stripped from Santa Monica buses. I'm all for Tyra's mug getting ripped off of public surfaces, she's over exposed as it is, but the rep for CW had a great sarcastic quote on the issue:

"It's a jungle out there in bus marketing. Even America's next top models aren't safe anymore," CW spokesman Paul McGuire said.

A jungle it is indeed sir. A jungle it is. That's just a great smart ass remark and I wanted to give the guy credit for it.

Confessions of a Dying Sports Fan

Here are a few confessions from a dying sports fan (No, I’m not really dying, thanks for worrying, but my love of sports is):

I haven’t watched an entire NBA game all season.

I haven’t watched an entire NCAA College Basketball game all season.

I haven’t checked my fantasy basketball teams in two months.

I have no intention, desire or interest in fantasy baseball this year.

I’m really excited about the confession above.

Really excited.

I can’t seem to bring myself to care about sports since the Red Sox won the World Series.

Sports were better before ESPN became the World Wide Leader, the internet, and adulthood.

I don’t play sports video games.

Golf is terrible and I could give two shits about Tiger Woods’ greatness and Phil Mickelson’s propensity to choke.

Sports talk rots the brain. I really don’t understand how people can argue about sports with the same intensity as someone arguing about peace in the Middle East.

Mel Kiper Jr. makes me gag.

I hate sports reporters and journalists who have become television celebrities. Journalists as celebrities have destroyed objective reporting.

ESPN’s lips get closer to athletes asses than jock straps. Not really a confession this just bothers me).

Pitchers and catchers, schmitchers and schmatchers.

Maybe March Madness can get me out of this funk.

Thoughts While George Eastman Rolls In His Grave

I know I’m almost five days late on the “Britney Spears going crazy again by attacking an SUV with an umbrella” story, but I was trying to live my life. Okay, fine, I was watching The (White) Rapper Show marathon on VH1. Anyway, I finally got around to looking at some pictures and watching some video of the incident and Britney has clearly gone mad. Check it out for yourself. Here's some really bad footage (via The Superficial). But there’s one thought I can’t get out of my head after watching this nonsense: The Paparazzi are SCUM. Britney may be crazy, but those dickheads are the scum of the fucking Earth.

The World's Most Exciting Store

Below is a photograph of the most exciting store I have ever seen:

Watch out ESPN Zone and move over The Discovery Channel store because the CNBC magazine shop is in the hizz-ouse, raising the bar for basic-cable-sponsored retail stores everywhere. As soon as you set foot inside its three walls visions of Suze Orman and stock tickers dance in your head. Does it look or feel much different than, say, Hudson News? No, the CNBC store is your typical airport magazine store filled with gossip rags, Robert B. Parker novels, and Trident. The only difference is that it resides under the hallowed Peacock of the NBC family of channels. And you have to respect the peacock.

I’ve seen CNN stores in the Atlanta airport, but these stores make too much sense for me. They actually sell CNN merchandise, not to mention the close ties CNN has with Atlanta. It’s a natural fit. The CNBC store on the other hand is totally random and offers no merchandise. Basically the store consists of a few NBC signs and a magazine rack. Perfect and shameless.

It’s not all cupcakes and puppy dogs, however, as rumors are leaking out of Washington D.C.’s Ronald Regan International Airport. Supposedly next week they’re unveiling a brand new, contain yourself, C-SPAN store. This will be an epic battle to be sure. So, stay sharp CNBC, keep an eye on your rearview, and make CNBC the best damn cable news sponsored newspaper rack in the airport.

UPDATE: A Kneecapped First Photo Exclusive!

Here's the first photograph of the new C-SPAN store in Washington D.C. and it is causing quite a stir.

Chomp Chomp Chomp It's Dude Lighten Up Thursday!

Adam “Pacman” Jones got his nickname because of the way he ate up interceptions and went after receivers, but did you know he also has an appetite for human flesh as well? As everyone who cares about sports already knows, Pacman is in an alleged shit load of trouble. Pacman allegedly bit a bouncer’s ankle, punched and beat a stripper, and is connected with the person who shot up the club shortly after he left. Not good times for Mr. Jones. If he’s not careful, he could end up biting one more thing…the pillow…in prison. One minute you’re saving the rain forest and indulging in a little fun, the next minute you’re chugging cock. Oh, and Adam “Pacman” Jones you’re this week DLUT! Dude, lighten up. You get paid millions to play football. Why all the thuggery?

Dude, lighten up

Jokes That May Be Too Soon or Outright Mean

Dwyane Wade is taking living in Florida a little too seriously. Next stop Del Boca Vista. What, too soon?
My karma is fucked.

Cigarettes Are One Hell of a Drug

I’m trying to quit smoking or at least cut down the amount I smoke so I haven’t bought a pack of cigarettes in several days. Not buying packs is the best way to stop smoking because when you get the urge to smoke you either a) have to deal with it or b) act like a totally mooch and scrub one off your co-workers. I’ve already exhausted one resource today. Then I approached a couple other people who have bummed smokes from me in the past, but they were both out and trying to quit (buying packs) as well. So to distract my jaw from grinding my teeth into a fine powder I Google image searched “quit smoking” and this was the first image listed:

I’ve never wanted a cigarette and to beat someone senseless more in my entire life.

State of the Union Hall

It’s interesting that Gawker posted about Union Hall today. I went there this past weekend…twice. Embarrassing I know, but once you get the bocce itch you have to scratch it. On Saturday night I went there hoping to play a little bocce with friends, but of course when we got there we were roughly 30^th on the bocce list. So we gave up hope, found a table, and hung out. We learned a few things this first night at Union Hall. The first thing is that the wait staff is utterly miserable. Not at serving--the drinks came promptly--they’re just an unfriendly, depressing lot. They’re rude, don’t thank you for their tips and, in one case, short change you and never return. The second thing you notice is that, yes, it is indeed a homogeneously white crowd. I felt like I was in a bar on Newbury Street in Boston. Not that my group of friends helped the lack of diversity. And who knew The Arcaded Fire was the current style icon of Park Slope?

Being the sucker that I am I lobbied for a return visit the following afternoon. I had a primal urge to play me some bocce. This time the bar wasn’t as crowded. Unfortunately it reminded me of Mos Eisly Space Port populated by douchebag, bocce-snob, yuppie-hipster, Park Slope scum and villainy. Put it this way, there was a guy wearing a sweater vest. The front of the vest was grey with a crest. The back of the vest was blue and black argyle. It was like I’d stepped into a Nantucket yacht club. I finally got on the court, and the guy we were playing against was the biggest dickhead I have ever met. Just an out and out DOUCHE! I won’t get into the boring specifics of the game, but we lost. Want to play some bocce, Arcade Fire?

I won’t be going back to Union Hall ever again. I learned that going to Park Slope on two consecutive days causes one to hate the human race and New York City in general. If you want to play bocce, head to the less pretentious Floyd’s on Atlantic Ave.

Want to play some bocce Arcade Fire?