A Picture is Worth a Thousand Horrifying Words

Natalie Cole burst onto the Red Carpet at the Grammy Awards looking like a zombie walking out of a botox clinic shortly after getting a boob job. Words do not do this picture justice. The face looks okay, but the rest is just weird.

One in the Stink

Not to get all Copyranter on you, but this new Butterfinger logo has me a little grossed out. Who wants to by candy from a hand that looks like it's been engaging in a little anal play? Yeah, I don't think I'm going to follow your stinky finger. Thanks, but no.

Damn straight, Monkey. I don't want to touch that shit covered button either.

UPDATE: Just a quick update here. Despite linking to Copyranter I had no idea he had done a Butterfinger post. I assumed he probably did, but I never read it. Of course today while checkingout his site he linked to a previous post of his from July discussing the Butter-shit-finger. This is why he writes for Gawker and I write for you.

Anyway, I didn't want to appear like a total hack to the five random people who stagger across my blog everyday, just a naive hack. So that's that.

Dude, Lighten Up Thursday!

Surprisingly I'm not drunk this Thursday evening, and because of this I realized I never posted my new weekly smash hit "Dude Lighten Up Thursday!" My job is keeping me rather busy, but don't fear because DLUT is here. This week's DLUT is none other than the screaming, whining, Napoleon complex-ed, New York Daily News sports writer Mike Lupica.

Dude, lighten up!

Mike, you write about sports for a living, and have made, I'm sure, I nice chunk of change. It's entertainment, Mike, not Afghanistan. Lighten the fuck up!

Hey, I don't know about you guys, but I'm starting to see a little trend here on DLUT. If you don't know what I'm talking about you can always read the labels.

Kneecapera

Opera has been my life the past few days so here's a Simpson's tribute to Mozart:

Kneecapped, Now With Gossip!

After much drunken Super Bowl discussion I’ve decided to slowly transform Kneecapped into a gossip blog. The enormous success of gossip blogs such as Perez Hilton, Jossip, TMZ, Pink is the New Blog, and others has had an enormous impact on Hollywood, the blogosphere, and life in general. I think we can all honestly say that we're a little dumber and a little shallower because of these tremendous expressions of free speech. For this I’d like to utter a humble “thank you” to these blogs for taking my mind away from the war and towards Lindsay Lohan’s vadge.

In addition, gossip blogs make a fuck-load of money supplying vital information that can only be obtained in, roughly, 500,000 different locations. Plus, the authors achieve a level of fame worthy of appearances on E!, or if they’re lucky a regular gig on that bastion of the privileged lifestyle, LX.TV. So today, I want to announce that Kneecapped is going gay...er...gossip. To help differentiate between my regular posts and my gossip posts during this period of adjustment I will use the “royal we" when addressing ourselves in a gossip post.

Here’s our first post, and boy are we excited:

To start things off we've got a tasty little nugget on the former Mrs. Cosby, Phylicia Rashad. It turns out she used to be married to Victor Willis, the lead singer of the Village People! Not only that, but after their divorce, Mr. Willis was arrested for robbery and cocaine possession! A rip-roarious and scandalous scandal of debauchery and lost love that can only be found here and on his IMDB profile! That site has all the dirt! Phylicia was also married to former NFL star and NBA ass-kisser, Ahmad Rashad! Girl gets around if ya know what we sayin'! It's all really fascinating and will be just about the most important thing you read today, no, this week! More to come when we post again soon, and if I were Debbie Allen , which we might be, I’d be shitting my pants, which we are!

Kneecapped Now With Labels!

It's true that Tommy ain't my mother fuckin' boy, but Kneecapped now has labels for your reading, sorting, and categorizing needs. Click through them and have some fun. Since I had to republish every blog I've written my site had a record 73 hits yesterday and I owe it all to labels.

The GZA says, "Read the label and say it loud."

Kneecapped Reader Mail!

I’ve been writing this blog since August and I just received my first email. It was sent to me, Dan Shanoff, and DC Sports Guy. Somehow the author thinks that my blog actually has a readership.

The email was pimping these Indianapolis Colts Peyton Manning rap videos. You read that correctly. I had the song, “Damn It Feels Good To Have Peyton” stuck in my head all day after catching it on Deadspin. Ion can attest to this as I annoyed him by imitating the “rapper’s” slow Midwestern flow/drawl during the Colts vs. Patriots game.

I hate the Colts and I hate Peyton Manning, but being that this was my first reader email I will oblige and link to, but not embed the videos.

The video that started it all:

"Peyton Paradise"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tPzGI3JAbs0

The video that was stuck in my head:
"Damn It Feels Good To Have Peyton"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtFfuH7uBiE

And the classy:
"Dear Peyton (Take A Big Dump On The Bears)"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXy9t9v9LzY

Dude, Lighten Up Thursday

It’s time for another “Dude, Lighten Up Thursday” and I can barely contain my excitement. I don’t know how you do it. The week must drag from Friday through Wednesday as you wait for this weekly feature. Well, wait no more.

This week we have Glen Ordway, sports radio personality from my hometown WEEI in Boston. Basically he screams about sports for four hours a day with a bunch of other blowhard tools bags. Sports are a serious subject and it takes a serious man to discuss them. Groin pulls, coaching moves, which player slighted a dickhead reporter, it's pretty heavy stuff. This world has clearly pressed down hard on Mr. Ordway, or maybe he should just lighten the fuck up and smile for the camera. Too cool to smile tough guy?

Dude, lighten up.

Previously:

Lenn Robbins