Monday, September 11, 2006

Travel from New York to New England (Three Different Ones)

I just got back from my third consecutive weekend in New England. I hit every state except Vermont. Plus, we only really drove through Connecticut, the Thruway of the North East, peeing at its rest areas. Sometimes I feel bad for Connecticut because all it really consists of is a piece of land on which highways are built. But then I think of the rich douche bags of Greenwich, the McMahon family of the WWE, the rich, pompous douche bags at Yale, and ESPN, and realize that Connecticut really is a place you just want to drive through. Not to mention the horrid condition of its urban centers. Let’s just say I’m glad the Patriots didn’t move there, and the Patriots play in Foxboro/Foxborough! No offense or anything. Each trip to New England we took a different mode of transportation and here's how it breaks down:

Weekend number one - Bus. For our trip to Maine with a detour in Newton we took a bus to Boston (gladly not the Chinatown/Sadly not the limoliner), rented a car and drove to Maine. Yes, that sounds about as awful as it actually was. I know the bus well. I’ve taken the New York to Boston trip more than any man has any right doing. It sucks the life out of you and leaves you a deflated shell of a human being. By trip’s end your ass feels like you've spent a month in prison. The cinnamon smells used to deodorize the cabin stings the nostrils. Your knees, due to the asshole reclining in front of you are bruised like you’ve spent a month in prison. If you’re lucky enough to have a movie it’s usually some piece of crap children’s movie that features chickens of the “run” or “little” variety. If the bus didn't stop in my hometown I would have ceased taking it long ago. But it does, so I endure the pain, much like a man sentenced to a month in prison.

Weekend number two - Borrowing a car and driving yourself. This worked out great for me, not so much for my wife. I didn’t have my license at the time (since remedied) so she did all the driving. She went to Jersey to pick up the car, drove it to Brooklyn, drove Rhode Island, drove back home and dropped me off with our cat, drove back to Jersey and returned the car, took the bus to Port Authority, and finally the subway home. Not good times for her and I felt terrible. I don't know who had it worse. Who am I kidding? Me. I offered to go to Jersey with her, but being the trooper she is she did it on her own. The other downside of the drive was the ride out of the city on the Friday of Labor Day weekend. It's the stuff of nightmares. Hours of stop and go traffic up that asphalt root canal they call I-95, but at least we had Ernesto to keep us company throughout the drive and weekend.

Weekend number three – Flying. On our third straight trip to New England we decided to treat ourselves and fly to Boston. Flying is relatively painless, the flight being only 35 minutes or so, but all told, it takes about as long as driving. Getting to the airport early, checking in, security, flying, baggage claim, taxi. God forbid they cancel your flight in the five minute window between when you check in and walk through security. In these rare cases they have to book you on a flight that leaves one hour later, adding more time to your travels. But, the airport has televisions. The airport has televisions in bars. The airport has televisions in bars on the opening weekend of the NFL season, so it’s not a bad place to waste and hour or two. In fact, I kind of liked the delay.

So to quickly sum up:
Bus - Bad, similar to a month in prison.
Car - Okay, but better to have your own car parked in your neighborhood, not your mom’s car in New Jersey.
Flying - Delays/cancellations = bad. Television, bars, football = good.

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