Tuesday, October 31, 2006

DLA Teleprocessing Network

A quick question, should I be worried that the Defense Logistics Agency (DLA) Teleprocessing Center visits my site every morning at 7:50 AM? Or should I be flattered? Anyone know what they do over at the DLA, because this just sounds like mumbo jumbo?

If so, please comment or send to kneecapped@gmail.com.

Thanks, although I'm sure I have nothing to worry about from my own government.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Would You Sign Your Life Away To This Company?

Here's an ad I found on Yahoo! today from Lowermybills.com. You may recognize that name as it's usually found in-between a "penile enlargement" and a "nude pictures of Lindsay Lohan" email in your spam folder.

I realize tattoos are all the rage in this "alternative-style-to-look-like-everyone-else" age, but a cartoon needle inking a "Calculate New Payments" tattoo on your arm? It comes across as slightly, if not, obscenely ridiculous. Not to mention sleazy. This is not the place I'd go to sign 30 years of my life away. I don't know, something about it just screams, “predatory lending!”

What's next, a flash animated lip piercing promoting doctors in your area?

You Can't Spell Douche Without C-O-D-E

Code TV, the “must visit site” of posers, wannabe socialites, and lifestylephiles from coast to coast, hits us with yet another advertisement/review featuring your favorite slow-motion-winking correspondent Pedro Andrade. This time, Pedro visits Bordello, another lounge o’ douche that will probably close in less than a year. Highlights include Pedro’s tip for walking “beautiful” girls into a club, a bobble headed owner who, surprise, doesn’t button his shirt, and a woman screeching like an owl at the sheer sight of Pedro and the prestigious Code.TV crew. Plenty of awkward pauses, bad dancing, posturing, and of course winking, below.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The Lack of Buybacks is Whack, Plus Ion's Take.

I’m writing today about buybacks, free drinks, comps, or whatever else you call them. A buyback is when you’ve drank a few beers (usually three to four), have tipped for these beers (I’m talking a dollar per drink, minimum,) are in a real bar (not a swanky lounge or some lame place like that,) and the bartender gives you a free beer. Sometimes they knock on the counter and place a new pint of what you ordered; sometimes they’ll just say, “On me.” A nice dive bar I’ve written about turns over a shot glass and stacks it on your tip pile to signify that the next one is “on the house.” It’s a little thank you for the tipping and for spending $5 a beer when you can just walk next door and buy a six pack for $7, okay $10. Buybacks are good business. To make a long definition short, buybacks are fucking fantastic.

So last night, at a nice local bar, my friend Ion and I meet up for drinks and encountered a stingy bartender of epic proportions. The bar is a place we go to with some frequency, as it’s the only option in the neighborhood, but it’s not like we’re close with the bartender, who’s a nice guy if not totally clueless. Tonight the bar has five people in it when we arrive. We order and drink our beer jollily and recount the excitement of our day.

Things are going swimmingly as the guy across from me gets his third whisky on the house. I order my third beer, “that will be five dollars.” My friend orders his third, “Five bucks.” No big deal, although that guy across from us got comped. I order my fourth beer, “Five dollars.” Okay, that sucks, should have been free, whatever. I order my fifth beer, “five dollars, thanks.” Shit’s getting ridiculous, and I’m starting to take it personal. Twenty dollars and not a single buyback! He gave the whisky guy a buyback after TWO whiskeys, but I guess they were friends, apparently we’re shit. I order my sixth beer when Ion orders his fifth. The bartender walks over and says looking to me, “ok I got yours,” turns to Ion, “yours will be five bucks.” Fucking balls. At least he smartened up with me, but the rocks on this fucking guy for not comping my friend at the same time. You need to buy five beers before you get a free drink! You can’t even enjoy a sixth beer. Ion never got his free beer that he earned and deserved, and we left the bar defeated.

Tonight I’ll see how many steps you have to pass before you get a free sobriety token.
    Ion wanted to respond as well. His recap is much shorter and blunter than mine and I think you’ll enjoy. Without further ado, the first installment of Ion's Take.

    Hey mister bartender, I've bought 6 beers without a buyback from you and I now think you are a douchebag. Actually, I thought you were a jerk after 4 beers, but this proves my point.

    Tuesday, October 24, 2006

    Burn Rubber Not Statues

    According to the sublime Gothamist Maps, a man threatened to burn the Statue of Liberty this morning. Not sure exactly how you “burn” a giant copper statue, the melting point of copper is 1984.32 °F. Maybe he thinks he’s a glass of orange juice after dropping the brown acid at Burning Man?

    Code.TV Must Be Stopped Or At Least Humiliated As Much As Possible

    Not to steal Gawker’s coverage of Pedro Andrade, but I found another Pedro restaurant/bar/club review. Check out his face when, after ordering the Strawberry Grey Martini, he finds out the drink contains not Grey Goose, but gin, the drink of peasants and the inherently un-hip. The “Grey” stands for “Earl Grey” which makes his drink, “taste like the mountains.” But he’s really disappointed, you can tell. He also winks in slo-mo at the camera about 57 times. Enjoy.

    Monday, October 23, 2006

    World To End In 8 - 9 Months

    It’s not rare to have religious nuts preach to you on the subway, but the man who was harassing us on the bus this morning was a different kind of creature. He had the look of an ex-con who learned his warped evangelicalism in Sing Sing, and his nervous tick said, “I’ll stab everybody in here.”

    After sarcastically greeting a Hasidic man with a booming, “Shalom!” he then began his anti-Semitic sermon to his captive parish. He claimed the temple of Israel divided when they didn’t embrace their true ruler, directly asking the Hasidic man if he knew this. This question was met with the man and several others moving away.

    He slurred that in his studies he found that humans have been worshipping “female ‘dentities’ like Isis” for centuries and that the anti-Christ would also be a woman. If you want to take bets whether or not he’s right you’re in luck because apparently the anti-Christ has already been conceived by the world, and during the next eight to nine months of the gestation period bad things will happen. If you can find the time to repent during that time frame, Crazy-Ex-Con-Preacher Man suggests you do so.

    And with news this morning of Kate Moss being impregnated by Pete Doherty maybe it is time to sneak a few Hail Mary’s into your routine. Don’t say I never did anything for you.

    Friday, October 20, 2006

    Hey, It's A Fresh Kneecapped Post And Diet Update! Rejoice!

    Sorry for the lack of posting and I won’t belittle you with lame excuses like complaining about “working too much” or some dumb shit. I haven’t posted, period. I feel lousy about and I’m sorry.

    A few weeks ago I said I was going on a diet: no beer for one month, working out four times a week, and no more cigarettes ever. I also said I would post my progress on this here site. Well, it didn’t work out how I planned. Not only have I not been posting every Friday, but my “diet” failed miserably.

    The beer fast lasted, oh, three hours. I went out the night of that post, suckling down those Modelos in the process. The next weekend, I went to the Beer on the Pier which as you may have already guessed consisted of drinking lots and lots of beer. I came to the realization that I can’t get beer out of my life, nor do I want to. Are these the rationalizations of a burgeoning alcoholic? Probably.

    The working out didn’t materialize like I’d hoped either. I’ve done yoga twice in the last three weeks, which averages out to .67 times per week, a hair below my goal of 4 times per week. My walk to the subway is a mile long so I do walk 2 miles a day for my commute. Does this sound like the rationalizing of a burgeoning lazy piece of shit? Probably.

    And to complete the failure, I've had the occasional cigarette in this time period as well. The smoking I'll quit by purchasing some Nicorette this weekend. It’s the goal I’d like to accomplish most of all. Does this sound like the rationalizations of someone fooling themselves? Probably.

    In summation my current condition can still be summarized by this video.

    Tuesday, October 17, 2006

    Oh Fair UMass

    See, I wasn’t kidding when I mentioned (fourth item) my college’s reputation. A degree from UMass doesn't mean what it used, that was the message sent from high above Massachusetts government. Now, it looks to be the end of an era of raging alcohol abuse on the Amherst campus. And it couldn't have happened at a better time, with me a good six years removed from that little town in western Mass, with an student to asshole cop ratio of about 100/1 (Amherst cops are bigger dicks than your average state trooper. I'm a law abiding citizen but my opinion of them will never change.)

    I, personally, think a UMass degree trains you for the real New York lifestyle i.e. drinking in excess and staying out late, but then getting up in the morning and making it to work. If you managed to scratch and claw your way out of UMass in fours years, find a job, and move on with your life, that my friend is an accomplishment that can never be measured by a piece of paper.

    Monday, October 16, 2006

    Autumn, Writer's Block, Giraffes, and You

    The crisp, fall air has filled me with so much joy I haven’t been able to muster any ill-tempered, blog filling pages for your (Geoff’s) reading enjoyment, and for that, I apologize.

    When the air is cool and clean, the dog shit frosting the sidewalk along my path to the subway becomes a fun obstacle to skip, hop and dodge. Not a disgusting, rage inducing display of human laziness.

    When the leaves start to turn and a sweatshirt becomes mandatory for walking outside, the people who stand unmoving in the subway doors cease to become the loathsome scum they clearly are on warmer days.

    But fear not gentle readers, for the winds are blowing from the north, and with it an air so cold and bitter it turns your soul into ice, creating the perfect remedy for my autumnal writers block.

    Here’s a video of a giraffe running:

    Thursday, October 12, 2006

    Does the "S" Stand for Sycophantic?

    That slurping sound you heard yesterday at about 3:30PM was ESPN licking their chops with the prospect of pounding the Cory Lidle story into your brains. ESPN gets to show their “sensitive” and “hard news” sides. On Mike & Mike in the morning, they pay their lip service to the tragedy, “Today sports takes a back seat to tragedy, blah blah blah, This really puts sports in perspective blah blah blah, our thoughts and prayers are with his friends and family blah blah blah, now on to the playoffs.” I just love getting my life's perspective from ESPN.
    On ESPN.com, Jermey Shapp whines his way through the story making sure to use as much gravitas as possible so we can understand the life changing seriousness of this accident. He even explains that Lidle's family has had to stay way from their home because "the media was staking it out." The damn media eh, Jeremy? I'm sure ESPN or ABC don't have a microwave truck idling in Lidle's driveway as we speak.

    Monday, October 09, 2006

    Stop EVERYTHING! Paris and Nicole Seen Together.

    I found this hot off the Yahoo!(one of the most trafficked sites on the web, beacon of information) news wire. Check out the last item, "Hilton, Richie Seen Together at L.A. Steakhouse." Digest this information, take a few minutes, then get back to whatever it was you were doing. That is, if you can. Who'd have thought North Korea would be trumped on its first day as a nuclear power by this startling news? Wowzer. Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton together, at a steakhouse no less.

    Unfortunately, I had "whore" and "crack" in the "What Kind of House Will Nicole and Paris Be Seen Together At First?" office pool. Oh well, can't win 'em all. Congrats, Jodi!

    Friday, October 06, 2006

    Massive Attack - Roseland Ballroom, New York City, 10/5/06

    I went to the Massive Attack show last night at Roseland and it fucking rocked, hard. I'm lucky I came out alive, what with the seizer inducing light show and heart-stopping bass. At one point , during the encore, with green and white lights flashing brighter than lightning and moving at a frenetic stomach-turning rate, as the hard guitars and bass screamed, I saw groups of people turning away from the stage, staggering out, but that beats throwing up all over a complete stranger or fainting in the middle of a crowed general admission audience. I was almost one of them, but I somehow made it out alive and in one piece.

    They played all the songs I wanted to hear, Hymn Of The Big Wheel, Angel, Mezzanine, Rising Son, Butterfly Caught, Karmacoma, Safe From Harm, Unfinished Symphony, Inertia Creeps, I could go on. Horace Andy was in the house, he missed a few shows weeks back when his wife gave birth, his pipes still supporting his unequaled vocal style, even at age 55. That’s a fucking concert if you ask me. If not for the typical lame-ass, too-cool-for-school NYC crowd, the show would have been perfect. Here are some photos taken by my friend, Ion.

    3D Shaddow Boxing

    Grant "Daddy G" Marshall

    Horace Andy

    Massive Attack

    Photos courtesy of Ion, All Rights Reserved.

    Wednesday, October 04, 2006

    Wiki Wednesday (This Week's is Whack, Yo)

    It's the middle of the work week and that means Wiki Wednesday, the poorly conceived and grass growingly dull weekly Kneecapped feature. The last few Wiki Wednesday's have succeeded in detailing the ludicrousness of some Wikipedia entries. Why for example should Earth Worm Jim be immortalized by a 1,000 word Wikipedia entry? The answer is, simply, some people have too much time on their hands, unlike us bloggers. So I mock these people by hitting the "random article" feature five times in a row to see what pointlessness I encounter. This week, however, Wikipedia won the day with several useful entries. On to this weeks articles:

    Smoke Not the movie featuring Harvey Keitel, but the actual, "suspension in air (aerosol) of small particles resulting from incomplete combustion of a fuel," kind of smoke. Did you know smoke is sometimes used as a flavor enhancer? Me too. How about that smoke inhalation is the leading cause of death in fires? Me too. So you may not learn much from this entry, but at least it's there in case you forget what that strange ghostlike substance that dangles and dances at the end of a cigarette is.

    Helmet Airport Zzzzzzzzz....sorry but I don't care about Canadian airports. This one seems to service an oil field in British Columbia.

    Jacqueline Simpson The matriarch of the Texas/Pop Star/Hollywood/Bimbo Simpson family and a part time researcher of folk lore and legend.

    Olivett Nazerine University A small liberal arts college in Illinois. I've never heard of it, but Wiki says it’s recognized by U.S. News as a top college, which is why I've probably never heard of it. My school ranked in the top ten on Princeton Review's party colleges list in the categories of pot smoking, beer drinking, students (almost) never study, and ugliest campus. But did the Pixies write a song about your school? Didn't think so, bitches.

    And lastly

    Danny Kelly He seems like an interesting English media and sports personality, as well as an entrepreneur.

    Tuesday, October 03, 2006

    Television Rules My Concentration

    In honor of my job kicking my ass today I give you Daft Punk's "Television Rules The Nation" via youtube

    Sunday, October 01, 2006

    Quotes That Make You Want To Slit Your Wrists

    This quote from foxnews.com made me gag and contemplate taking my own life:

    “Space travel is sexy,” said Star magazine editor at large Jill Dobson. “If you think rock stars get the chicks, wait 'til Dave Navarro returns from space and then see how popular he is with the ladies.”

    There you have it. What millions of Star Wars and Star Trek fans have known for years has finally hit Hollywood. Space travel is sexy. Forget science, the awe of human technology, or the sheer beauty of seeing Earth from space, because traveling to space will get you laid.

    Who better to travel to space than reality TV douchebags like Dave Navarro and Paris Hilton? With recent space travel disasters still fresh on the brain, and crippling the taxpayer funded NASA, perhaps it's time for a few accidents from the private sector. Well, as long as the disasters avoid the Stephen Hawkings of the world, and hit those b-list attention whores who happened to stumble upon a few million dollars in their vapid existence. I can think of no better way to rid ourselves of the Paris Hilton scourge than her being vaporized in the upper atmosphere.

    It all reminds me of the Y2K chapter of “Treehouse of Horror X” episode of The Simpsons in which a rocketship pakced with b-list celebrities like Pauley Shore and Dan Qualye is launched towards the sun. I wanted to find this video for you but failed. If you have one, please email me or throw it up on youtube and I’ll post it here and credit you. But here, at least is the Y2K meltdown:

    Kneecapped Now Easier on the Eyes

    You may have noticed the new color scheme here at Kneecapped. The dark background and light type was really bothering my eyes so I've made the template easier on the corneas, while still maintaining its cutting edge design. The new taupe*(tope) background offers a soothing alternative to the previous navy blue, and notice how it matches the shin bones above. All told, I'm totally pleased with myself.

    *The correct spelling, thanks to my know-it-all reader, Geoff.