Friday, January 26, 2007

A Record Setting Day

Yesterday, was a milestone day here at Kneecapped HQ. First, Kneecapped received its 2,000th visitor. Then, Kneecapped set the daily record for site visits with 51, the first time this blog has broken the elusive 50 hit barrier. These are heights this blog never even reached during The Great Jessica Simpson Surge of 2006. What is the cause for this sudden rise in popularity? Because Kneecapped is an extremely well written and hilarious blog, that’s why. That and a little post on the Civilian Reserve Corps.

The country is going mad for the Civilian Reserve Corps. Searches for the program are out of control and many find their way to my site, because when you want the low-down on new government initiatives Kneecapped is the place to be. I jest, the country and even Canada loves the Civilian Reserve Corps. Maybe they’re interested because it was hardly explained and is kind of a strange concept. Civilians serving the Army in non-military functions helping them fight the war on terror. This is a great idea. There are lots of people who wish they could do more to help “the cause.” Plus, all those chicken hawks who were screaming for the war in Iraq can now serve the military, perfect. I’m sure, no wait, I’m positive that this program won’t be corrupted at all.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

"Dude, Lighten Up" Thursdays

This week's "Dude, Lighten Up Thursday" features Lenn Robbins, College Basketball Writer for the New York Post:

Dude, lighten up!

You're a college basketball writer, not an inner city crime reporter. You write about the fine points of Syracuse's man-zone defense, not the fine points of the Lebanese/Syrian political dynamic. You're not an FBI field agent; you cover athletes pretending not to have agents. Lighten up a little. Let's see those pearly whites.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Somewhere George Gaynes Nods His Head in Approval – Kneecapped’s State of the Union Analysis

As a huge fan of “The Unit” I was as disappointed as anyone that the State of the Union Address was airing last night at 9:00 P.M. Not only was I not able to witness the continued decline of William H. Macy’s career (has he turned down a role since Fargo?), but I had to sit through a political speech. And yes, I was a political science major, but only for the chicks.

All kidding aside (except the part about me loving The Unit) I quite enjoy the State of the Union Address. The pomp and tradition, the giddy look on a new Representative’s face when they’re about to shake hands with the President, and the fact that elected officials ask the President for his autograph always brings a smile to my face. This year, however, something else caught my attention.

What caught my attention was Bush’s section on the military. I believe the quote was, “blah, blah, blah, troop levels. Blah, blah, blah recruit more troops. Blah, blah, blah we’re all in danger all the time. Blah, blah, blah civilian reserve corps.” To be honest I wasn't really paying attention until the last line. A Civilian Reserve Corps.

Here’s the real quote:

“A second task we can take on together is to design and establish a volunteer Civilian Reserve Corps. Such a corps would function much like our military reserve. It would ease the burden on the Armed Forces by allowing us to hire civilians with critical skills to serve on missions abroad when America needs them. And it would give people across America who do not wear the uniform a chance to serve in the defining struggle of our time.”

Now, being a child of the HBO era I have a mind that’s been ruined by routine viewing and re-viewing of shit movies. I was also a Political Science major as mentioned before. On top of this I went to UMASS, I write a blog, and I have consumed entirely too much beer in the last 12 years or so. The end result of this potion of underachievement and slackerdom is the fact that my brain functions on a pretty low level, so this is what I was reminded of when President Bush mentioned a Civilian Reserve Corps:

That’s right; I was reminded of Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol. For those with more refined cinematic tastes, Police Academy 4 was the one where Commandant Lassard launches his plan to fight crime: C.O.P, Citizens on Patrol, a police squad made up of regular Joe's. The police recruit a rag-tag team including a huge fat guy, Bobcat Goldthwait, and a trigger happy grandma, comedy gold to be sure. My sides are splitting just thinking about it.

You wouldn’t think a grown man would admit this to World Wide Web, but given the eerie similarities between George W. Bush and Commandant Eric Lassard both in appearance and their “clumsy-idiot-who-somehow-wields-great-power” personas, maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Photo of the Day

Here's my photo of the day courtesy of blatantly pirated from

Monday, January 22, 2007

It Was Fun While It Lasted

No, I'm not talking about this blog. I'm talking about the Boston Sports Dynasty that came to a crashing halt last night at about 10:30 P.M. EST. I don't know if I'm ready for a world where Peyton Manning is a championship quarterback.

I had a picture in mind to match with this post, Wile E. Coyote falling to the bottom of a canyon followed by the cloud of smoke. But I searched the entire internets and couldn't find one. If you know how to locate one, hook a depressed Patriots fan up. "Go fuck yourself" you say? "You've won plenty. Stop whining" you say? You know what, you're right. I can't complain about that game. Boston fans have had incredible run of luck in the last half decade. The other horseshoe was bound to drop sometime. Finally, we can go back to a world where our only expectation is failure on an epic scale. I’m home again.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Kneecapped Down! Kneecapped Down!

Dear Readers,

You’ve probably heard the expression “all good things must come to an end,” but did you know that this phrase applies to mediocre things as well? If you’ve been reading my blog, and judging by my Sitemeter you haven’t, but if you had been reading you would notice that I haven’t been posting much of late. Sadly, I think you’ll have to expect more inactivity on this space for some time to come.

Why haven’t I been posting? Lack of inspiration, job kicking my ass, and the fact that I’m working on a new website are the main factors. I’ll link to my new site when it’s up and ready, but in the interim I think I can only guarantee you one post per week maximum. I’m sorry, and I know it won’t be easy for you. You don’t just stop reading Kneecapped so I’ll do my best to wean you off.

So, to Geoff, Jonah, Ion, Adam, and Jodi thanks for supporting Kneecapped it was a great run.

Thanks to the legitimate blogs Rum & Popcorn, AwfulAnnouncing and Gowanus Lounge for linking to me.

I’m hesitant to call this a “Good Bye.” I hate the permanence of good byes because they just seem so permanent. Let’s instead call it a “Good Riddance.”

Thanks again for reading.



Monday, January 15, 2007

Cheese With That Whine?

The “master of class” LaDainian Tomlinson, didn't like the Pats dancing on the field after the Chargers choked, fumbled, and personal fouled their way out of a victory on Sunday. Seems to me that LT2 is a bit caught up in his image as a "classy" guy. But see, classy guys don't say they're classy guys, that’s rule #1. Secondly, he was offended because the Patriots were mocking a dance performed by steroid abuser Shawn Merriman? A dance that Merriman performs when he wants to show up another team. What's classy about dancing and taunting? And finally, the Chargers were talking shit all day, taking cheep shots, and in 2005 when the Chargers killed the Pats the Chargers were dancing on the Patriot’s logo, but now LT2 bitches about it?. That's called being a sore loser, not acting classy.

Here's the whiner in action:

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Not Everyone Likes My Site

Well, the headline should probably read, "Practically No One Likes My Site" but whatever.

As if the paltry single digit site visits wasn't enough to destroy my fragile ego I got this email from BlogBurst.

Thank you for requesting an invitation to BlogBurst. At this time your blog is not a good match for our current set of publisher partners. However, our network of publishers is quickly growing and we encourage you to check back with us occasionally. We expect for many of the blogs not invited in this early period to be a part of the BlogBurst network in the future.Thank you for your interest in BlogBurst, and best wishes.

Best Regards,The BlogBurst Team

Very ouch. That stings the nostrils and my self-esteem. To be honest, I don't really know what BlogBurst even is exactly. I signed up for it after seeing it on Gowanus Lounge, but I think it's a directory for elite blogs or something. All I know is they want no part of Kneecapped. And with all the tapir sex reference on my site I guess I can't really blame them.

Tapirs and Me: An Archive of Tapir Posts:
The Post that got it all started The Bronx Zoo

The post that took it to the next level: The Sitemeter Tapir Search

When my site was growing on the back of Tapir sex searches: My Success Got the Best of Me

Beating a dead tapir: About My Readership

Yes, But Are They Talented?

I’m no Scrabble® wizard. Anyone who’s read this site knows the limits of my vocabulary are limited, but this line from John Clayton’s “First and Goal” on made me chuckle:

"Cameron knows he needs to find ways to get Tomlinson past the Patriots' talented defensive line so the talented back can make his moves on the linebackers and defensive backs."

Maybe we can break out the ol’ thesaurus next time John.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Come Up With Your Own Jokes, Gawker

I’ve made the big time. Gawker ripped off the easy and obvious joke that I wrote here yesterday.

Gawker wrote this:

“We're going to recommend that they go with the classic ‘he who smelt it
dealt it’ defense-- it's been working for us since first grade.”

Here's what I wrote:

"The City looks to blame New Jersey's silent-but-violent reputation. New Jersey counters by saying, 'Whoever smelt it dealt it.'"

Are fart jokes no longer sacred?

Monday, January 08, 2007

NEWS FLASH!! New York Smells

A disgusting odor has taken over New York, covering the normally pleasant fragrances of exhaust, urine, stale beer, vomit, and garbage. The City looks to blame New Jersey's silent-but-violent reputation. New Jersey counters by saying, "Whoever smelt it dealt it." I'll be back with more info as this story develops.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

More Stupidity from

What do I do when it's 69 degrees on January 6th? I post about This is a strict rule that I have. So, being that it is 69 degrees here in New York City on January 6th here's a yet another incredibly stupid advert. We're getting closer and closer to the lip piercing ad. Now I'm off to Coney Island to get ice cream.

Previous Posts
Would You Sign Your Life Away To This Company?
Lowermybills Loves the Tatties

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Hello 2007...Four Days Late!

Happy New Year everybody! So, I took a few days off from the blog, shoot me. No one reads this thing anyway. The few of you that do probably have my email or phone number so if you really wanted to hear from me you could have reached out. You didn’t and I’m still getting over it.

The rest of you tapir sex, Jessica Simpson/Direct TV commercial, and Marc Bulger searching fools shouldn't be mad either. You stumble upon these pages only to be disappointed on arrival.

The tapir folks are upset with my lack of graphic photos. Alas, this is a blog written by one mortal man with a full time job and five kids to feed. I can’t be expected to please your bizarre fetishes.

The Jessica Simpson crowd is searching for answers for why she is such a horrible actress. Answers that I cannot possibly provide as only the All Mighty itself can truly explicate the limits of her talents. Maybe Pat Robertson will ask next time he raps wit tha Lord.

And who knew there were so many Marc Bulger fans out there? What a dull life you must lead. Only joking. There’s only one Tom Brady and once you go Tom you never go…root for someone else.

I’ll try to do better. It was my New Years resolution to update more frequently so expect posting to stop by Valentine’s Day. Or, if things work out there may be a new website in the near future. Check back for the teaser trailer, but until then check out this teaser trailer.

Thank you for joining me and good luck in the 2-Bond.