How to Save Your Marriage During Football Season

Tonight is the start of the NFL season, but it also marks the beginning of another season, the Trying to Stay Married season. Other than moving and maybe in-laws, nothing puts more stress on a marriage than the six month pro-football calendar. Tonight, I start my second post-marriage season, and I'm looking to build on last year's results.

My wife can tolerate football, but she's not setting the Tivo, signing up for Direct TV, or checking her fantasy line-ups. She doesn't have a lot of knowledge about the game, and to tell you the truth, I like that about her. So I'm starting out ahead of the curve. The trouble is sometimes it's me she can't tolerate. Now, I'm not going to stop watching football all day long on Sunday, but there are little things you can do to keep the pressure off yourself. So here are a few things I learned last year, as well as a few pointers to those who are beginning their rookie year.

1) Don't get (too) drunk - I don't have Direct TV (see above) and I root for a team outside of the area where I live. My team is the Patriots which makes things easier because they're awesome and they get a lot of nationally televised games. One year, I caught them here in New York about 7 - 8 times on free television, not bad. But for the other games I head out to a local bar with Direct TV and watch the games there. This is a problem for several reasons. I drink fast so the number of beers I can drink during a three hour period is substantial. If it's an early game I’m pretty much useless the rest of the day until The Simpsons come on. If it's a late game, then I'm drunk during dinner and that's not good, trust me. I learned early on that I need to pace myself. No Bloody Mary's (well, one, but only if you’re hungover.). No Stella (or other strong beers.) Drink some water. Eat a pizza. Eat some wings. Eat. Three beers max in the first half. This is a recipe for success, a good buzz, but nothing that will last the day. I'd advise the same thing to you.


2) Take advantage of Saturday - I don't care about college football so I plan for my Sunday's by taking advantage of Saturday. Go see a movie. Go apple picking. Take in a museum. Have a nice dinner in a restaurant of your wife’s choosing. Pay. Make Saturday your wife's day. Not only does it feel good that you're making your wife happy, but it buys you some leeway when you're still wearing your sweatpants at 7:00 PM on Sunday night.


3) Shower, get dressed, look active - Note my sweatpants comment above and don't make a habit out of it. Nothing makes you feel like a useless piece of crap more than the look your wife gives you when you've sat around the apartment all day in your sweatpants. Save the sweatpants for that cold and rainy Sunday. Maybe even encourage you wife to put on some comfortable clothes and watch football together. No one’s saying get rid of the sweatpants, just play that card at the right time.


4) If Monday night or Sunday night football blows and your team isn't playing don't stay up and watch the whole thing - This would be my rule even if I wasn't married. The Sunday/Monday night commercial marathon that happens to show a football game in-between car ads sucks the life out of you. It bores you and angers you. You contemplate killing the play by play announcer by beating him with your bare hands. Forces you to go to bed past 1:00 AM. More than half the time these games are a disappointment anyway so just go to bed and spend that time with your wife. I’m not saying watch Desperate Housewives, but it’s a long season and you don’t want to waste your good graces watching a typical night game suckfest. I don't care if you call me lame, or old, or a pussy whipped little bitch, this is how I roll.

5) These rules do not count towards the playoffs - Playoffs are a different matter altogether. I’ll get drunk at the bar in my sweatpants during the playoffs.