Confusing Restaurant Bathroom Signs

They Must Be Stopped

This Deadspin post stopped me in my tracks today. Mike and Mike are going to host the National Spelling Bee. Dear god help us. The spelling bee is already a ratings hit with a bunch of nerds calling the action why do they need these two toolbags?

Kneecapped Your Home For Tapir News

Since Kneecapped is the blog authority on all things tapir naturally I'm linking to this story on the front of Boston.com: a very nice tapir story and naming contest. Enjoy.

Today in Scum

Paparazzi are scum. They make one think about carpet bombing LA.

Photo of the Day

Long shadows on DeKalb Avenue, Brookyn, NY.

Accurate Clocks in Airports? C'mon, They're Not at all Necessary

Here's a sign in the baggage claim at LaGuardia Airport:

So far, so good. I am at LaGuardia.

Actual time of photograph: 7:43 PM.
Not that people’s travel depends on accurate clocks or anything.

Global Warming...On Mars!

How about we concentrate on our own global warming issues?

Also, John Edwards is really going out on a limb opposing preditory loans. That's a risky stance if I've ever seen one.

Funny Title

I was perusing The Bestest Blog of All-Time looking for new and exciting blogs and came across the funniest podcast tile I’ve ever seen. Sadly, the link went no where.

It's Alive!

The new site I've been working on is now up and running! I'll be posting there Monday - Friday. Stop by and take a look, there's much more than blogging going on.

Link of the Day: Baby Tapirs!

Since Kneecapped is the blogging authority on all things tapirs I was pleased when Yahoo! featured this story on Sunday morning.

Pyramid Mystery Solved?

I saw this interesting article on Yahoo! about a new theory explaining how the pyramids were built. Here's my favorite part:

"Houdin, 56, brushed aside concerns about the popular curse which is supposed to punish those who penetrate the secrets of the pyramids, dating back to the opening of Tutankhamun tomb.

"Why should I be worried? I'm just explaining that the people of the time were architects of genius and that Khufu was a genius to order the pyramid's construction. What could happen to me, except that Khufu would thank me?," he told Reuters shortly before being struck by a bus."

More Q Train Madness

Here's the final installment of my Nikon Coolpix 775/iMovie/Q Train Trilogy.

Peter Travers calls it “An epic tour de force of massive scale. Q Train III explodes off the screen!”

Please enjoy.


If you want to catch the "Empire-esque" middle film of the trilogy you can find it on my Youtube page.

Did I Almost Miss Dude Lighten Up Thursday?

Yes, I did almost miss "Dude Lighten Up Thursday" the most popular and only weekly Kneecapped feature. This week we have Tim Keown of ESPN.com. I actually read Tim's "List" column every week, mainly because it's short and good for the bathroom. Tim is an old fashioned contrarian and can find fault in just about anything that's popular, which is fine I guess. His picture, however, is not. Mr. Keown, you are this week's DLUT. How about not looking so smug and lighten up a little?

Dude, lighten up.

More Fun With Yahoo News

After un-crossing his fingers Mueller added, "We just chose not to."

It's Hard Being a Seal

So, basically what you're saying is our habitat is fucked, but you will continue hunting us. Thanks, as if being a seal weren't hard enough.

The Demise of Kneecapped.

Kneecapped has been on a steady decline the past few months. Most of it is my fault. I was slowing things down and was pretty much on a part time schedule. Then I had my biggest night ever right after the State of the Union Address and I got sucked back into it. Kneecapped is a seductive mistress, she is. This past week, however, has taken a toll on this here site.

First off, I’m going to bitch about Technorati for a minute. Technorati doesn’t credit all of all my links. Geoff has linked to me a bunch of times, but Technorati has not picked up on this and other links as well. I linked to The Bestest Blog of All Time with a promise of getting a link in return. It was a weak moment I know, but I’m a link whore, okay. Sue me. The punishment for my vanity? Technorati has not credited this link either.

Second, Technorati took away three of my links. So what if they were links from porn directories attracted to my blog because of my extensive writings on tapirs and the weirdoes who search for sex photos of the beast? They shouldn’t have taken my links away especially since they don’t credit me for the legitimate sites that link here.

The downfall of Kneecapped doesn’t stop there. What happened next? Well, TrailerSpy, a site I linked to in its infancy because my wife knew the girl who was starting it up, dropped me from their blogroll. They had returned the favor to me adding me to their “Friends of TrailerSpy” list, but I went back on their site and my link is gone. True, my site only gets 20 hits per day and I’m routinely ignored throughout the blogosphere, but does that give you the right to throw me away like so many “Employee of the Month” DVDs? Getting axed from their site, though probably warranted, stings like a bitch.

Lastly, my Google page rank was just downgraded from a “3” to a”2”. If you’re familiar with page rank you know the difference between ranks is infinite. Or in other words, my blog is infinitely less relevant than it was two days ago. Infinitely! In two days!

These are not promising signs for Kneecapped and a wiser man would pack up the mailbag, bid “adieu”, and maybe write for another blog. But what of this other blog you ask? Well, its tied up in legal, but it should be up and running in about 5 - 6 months.

During times like these I like to think back to the immortal words of my man Big Daddy Kane:

“Anything goes when it comes to prose, cuz blogging ain’t easy.” *



*With word play like that it’s a wonder this blog hasn’t taken off. Or is it a wonder that I’m married? Either/or.

The Q Train

Shot yesterday with a Nikon Coolpix 775 camera and edited on iMovie. Enjoy.

New Template

All I wanted was to have my labels on my front page and now my template is all messed up. Please bear with me, the template you know and love will be new and improved shortly.

Thursday - What to Do? What to Do?

Okay, LOST was on last night so that makes today Thursday. What do I have to do on Thursday? I need to move my car, I know that, but there’s something else, something important. Oh, right, DUDE LIGHTEN UP THURSDAY! That's right, today is once again Dude Lighten Up Thursday, your favorite and only weekly Kneecapped feature.

This week’s DLUT is a first ballot Hall of Famer, go ahead and ask him. He’ll tell you straight out, because he just thinks he’s the best. Welcome to DLUT, Mike Francesa, co-host of Mike and the Mad Dog! Oh, don’t argue baseball with this guy, and don’t go near the horses, because he’s always right and when he isn’t he doesn’t acknowledge it! A brilliant strategy indeed and one I hope to adopt in my own life. No, that wouldn’t put me on the fast track to divorce, are you kidding me? Never admitting when you’re wrong is my new creed. One more fact, did you know that Mike Francesa is the reason the term “blowhard” exists? Look it up, it’s true.

It’s lonely at the top Mike, I know, Kneecapped can relate. Don’t worry, perhaps next week I’ll promote that human nasal passage partner of yours, but for now soak in your glory and maybe lighten up.

Dude, lighten up.

Don't Forget Reggie

I’m not one to pick nits, but this picture of Kevin Durant in a Celtics #35 jersey is an impossibility.

R.I.P. Reggie Lewis.

Kneecapped Gossip Report

I came across this gossip item while perusing Gawker this morning. Can you think of anything more awkward than attending a karaoke party and Lindsay Lohan, an “accomplished” pop singer, keeps getting up to sing without the advantage of a Pro Tools mix and calibrated microphones? Then factor in that her voice is ravaged from drinking, smoking, and snorting everything she could get her hands on over the past few years. Her friends must have a hard time keeping a straight face.

“That was like totally great Lind, you totally sounded like Fiona Apple on that one. You’re like one gifted singer. Yo, can I get a bump?”

“Yeah Lindsay, you’re voice is like just as totally powerful as Christina’s. Yo, can we order bottle service? I need a Red Bull vodka.”

If I were a studio-reliant pop singer the last thing I would consider would be singing karaoke in public. But when you’re a huge attention whore I guess even making a fool of yourself gets you off. See.

Kneecapped on the Wagon: Day 2

The season of resolutions is long behind us, and not to get all Logged Hours on you, but in light of my St. Patrick's Day debauchery Kneecapped is going on the wagon until April 18th. I'm working on my second day, but stay tuned for angry, alcohol deprived posts throughout next month!

New Blogs to Entertain You

Here are few strange and interesting blogs from friends of mine: The Back Of Your Head and Jim Bobby's Blog

Photo of the Day

No, it's not 1977 (or even 2005), but that hasn't stopped the U.S. Postal Service from decorating their mail boxes as R2D2. With non-stop Star Wars marathons airing on the HBO channels, the Trilogy has been making quite the comeback this month.

St. Patrick's Day Part II: The Day After

St. Patrick's Day was fun. We hung out at Iggy's on Ludlow which had three dollar drafts including delicious Guinness. They also featured three dollar "Drunken Leprechaun" shots which I kept calling "Drunken Irishmen" shots most of the night and definitely offending the Irish bartender. What is a Drunken Leprechaun? It’s Jameson, Bailey's and Crème de Menthe and had the consistency and color of melted mint chocolate ice cream.

And this is what it looked like after drinking it.

Happy St. Patrick's Day Now a Word from Kneecapped

Hi, before I go get wicked frickin' smammered I wanted to post this for you all. I wanted to do it yesterday, but I've been busy and not online all that much. Here goes.

If you haven’t noticed things have been slowing down here at Kneecapped Central, it’s a sad truth. Unfortunately, for you and your boredom this will be an ongoing trend. Not to fear starting Monday you can find me here. I’ll be writing a daily blog on that site which should be pretty much the same type of thing I do here, but everyday and more focused. The site is very interactive so maybe you guys can participate. Anyways, I’ll still be posting here occasionally. I’m also adding advertising to this site. I hope that doesn’t turn you off, but what the hell might as well try and catch some stray fish and make a few cents.

As always, thanks for reading and give my new site a chance, it’s funny.

Kneecapped is Back and He Brought with Him "Dude Lighten Up Thursday!"

It’s Dude Lighten Up Thursday your favorite and only weekly Kneecapped feature. This week’s DLUT is New York Post columnist and all-round curmudgeon Phil Mushnick. Phil writes about media coverage of sports and he’s really not all bad (especially his contempt for ESPN), but this picture is ridiculous. Phil, smile! You’re not being lined up and executed. Stop acting tough because you’re not fooling anyone.

Dude, Lighten Up.

Ft. Browne Park, Brooklyn

Trust me, Ft. Greene Park has looked better.

Dude, Lighten Up Thursday: March Madness Edition

March madness is beginning so let the Duke hating begin! This weeks DLUT is Duke basketball coach and media darling, Mike Krzyzewski.

Dude, lighten up.

REPORT: Bill Simmons Still Funny

There are a lot of Bil Simmons haters out there, but this made me laugh. You might even say "I laughed out loud."

From this

"He's like a homeless man's Darko Milicic. And that's not a compliment."

C'mon that's funny, AA!

Let's All Go to the Movies

I finally saw David Lynch's INLAND EMPIRE. I don't know about you, but I totally got it. Being the lay folk that you are I'll explain it to you lest you have a blue tomorrow. Here are who each character represents:

The Rabbit People = Jesus, Mary, and Oprah Winfrey
Laura Dern first half of film= Elvis (skinny)
Laura Dern second half of film - Elvis (fat)
Justin Theroux = Carl Yastrzemski (this was a tough one to nail down, but he symbolizes Yaz)
Husband = V. I. Lenin
Phantom = Joseph Stalin
Jeremy Irons = Louis Carroll
Harry Dean Stanton = Ralph Macchio
Crimp = F. Lee Bailey
Julia Ormond = Julia Ormond
Grace Zabriskie = Donna Karen

With this simple guild you will be guaranteed to see the true story. You will dissect every layer and learn every secret. You will understand the film as I do.

What's Arena League Football?

The Arena Football League has some fans I’ll give it that; lonely, sad, bored, nothing better to do on the weekend fans. I'm not one of them, but I wouldn't make fun of anyone who was. The sport just isn't for me. The AFL is a garbage sport much like pro wrestling, tractor pulling, and the NHL, but now that ESPN has the television rights to the Arena League it has become "cool" and "trendy" and "fun" and "exciting". The Worldwide Leader is telling sports fans to care about the AFL, not because it offers a diversion from spending time with your family and an excuse to drink (which has been its appeal in the past), but because it's a true and relevant sport.

The big push is happening with the AFL season about to kickoff. ESPN will force feed its audience the AFL whether we want it or not, they stand to make too much cash. If you watch ESPN you know they excel at one thing: promoting their product, so here's what to expect: They will brag about the ratings no matter how small, Around the Horn and PTI will talk about the league with reverence, and Stu Scott will hype the players to no end. Mike and Mike, the ESPN radio dinks and new AFL announcers already stammer and stutter about the AFL ceaselessly, and today it popped up on ESPN.com's AM JUMP (the poor man's version of the now defunct Daily Quickie). It's just another reason to hate the network I used to love.

What Day Is It? Dude Lighten Up Thursday That's What Day It Is!

This weeks DLUT is NY Post's sport columnist Kevin Kernan. His Picture always cracks me up and his sometimes surly articles match the photo beautifully. But, Kevin you write about sports for a living, you're not standing in a line-up or posing for your solo rap album. Lighten up!

Dude, lighten up!

Sarcasm Makes Me Laugh

I stumbled upon a funny blog yesterday, Dear Douchebag, and today's post featured an article about America's Next Top Model advertisements getting stripped from Santa Monica buses. I'm all for Tyra's mug getting ripped off of public surfaces, she's over exposed as it is, but the rep for CW had a great sarcastic quote on the issue:

"It's a jungle out there in bus marketing. Even America's next top models aren't safe anymore," CW spokesman Paul McGuire said.

A jungle it is indeed sir. A jungle it is. That's just a great smart ass remark and I wanted to give the guy credit for it.

Confessions of a Dying Sports Fan

Here are a few confessions from a dying sports fan (No, I’m not really dying, thanks for worrying, but my love of sports is):

I haven’t watched an entire NBA game all season.

I haven’t watched an entire NCAA College Basketball game all season.

I haven’t checked my fantasy basketball teams in two months.

I have no intention, desire or interest in fantasy baseball this year.

I’m really excited about the confession above.

Really excited.

I can’t seem to bring myself to care about sports since the Red Sox won the World Series.

Sports were better before ESPN became the World Wide Leader, the internet, and adulthood.

I don’t play sports video games.

Golf is terrible and I could give two shits about Tiger Woods’ greatness and Phil Mickelson’s propensity to choke.

Sports talk rots the brain. I really don’t understand how people can argue about sports with the same intensity as someone arguing about peace in the Middle East.

Mel Kiper Jr. makes me gag.

I hate sports reporters and journalists who have become television celebrities. Journalists as celebrities have destroyed objective reporting.

ESPN’s lips get closer to athletes asses than jock straps. Not really a confession this just bothers me).

Pitchers and catchers, schmitchers and schmatchers.

Maybe March Madness can get me out of this funk.

Thoughts While George Eastman Rolls In His Grave

I know I’m almost five days late on the “Britney Spears going crazy again by attacking an SUV with an umbrella” story, but I was trying to live my life. Okay, fine, I was watching The (White) Rapper Show marathon on VH1. Anyway, I finally got around to looking at some pictures and watching some video of the incident and Britney has clearly gone mad. Check it out for yourself. Here's some really bad footage (via The Superficial). But there’s one thought I can’t get out of my head after watching this nonsense: The Paparazzi are SCUM. Britney may be crazy, but those dickheads are the scum of the fucking Earth.

The World's Most Exciting Store

Below is a photograph of the most exciting store I have ever seen:

Watch out ESPN Zone and move over The Discovery Channel store because the CNBC magazine shop is in the hizz-ouse, raising the bar for basic-cable-sponsored retail stores everywhere. As soon as you set foot inside its three walls visions of Suze Orman and stock tickers dance in your head. Does it look or feel much different than, say, Hudson News? No, the CNBC store is your typical airport magazine store filled with gossip rags, Robert B. Parker novels, and Trident. The only difference is that it resides under the hallowed Peacock of the NBC family of channels. And you have to respect the peacock.

I’ve seen CNN stores in the Atlanta airport, but these stores make too much sense for me. They actually sell CNN merchandise, not to mention the close ties CNN has with Atlanta. It’s a natural fit. The CNBC store on the other hand is totally random and offers no merchandise. Basically the store consists of a few NBC signs and a magazine rack. Perfect and shameless.

It’s not all cupcakes and puppy dogs, however, as rumors are leaking out of Washington D.C.’s Ronald Regan International Airport. Supposedly next week they’re unveiling a brand new, contain yourself, C-SPAN store. This will be an epic battle to be sure. So, stay sharp CNBC, keep an eye on your rearview, and make CNBC the best damn cable news sponsored newspaper rack in the airport.

UPDATE: A Kneecapped First Photo Exclusive!

Here's the first photograph of the new C-SPAN store in Washington D.C. and it is causing quite a stir.

Chomp Chomp Chomp It's Dude Lighten Up Thursday!

Adam “Pacman” Jones got his nickname because of the way he ate up interceptions and went after receivers, but did you know he also has an appetite for human flesh as well? As everyone who cares about sports already knows, Pacman is in an alleged shit load of trouble. Pacman allegedly bit a bouncer’s ankle, punched and beat a stripper, and is connected with the person who shot up the club shortly after he left. Not good times for Mr. Jones. If he’s not careful, he could end up biting one more thing…the pillow…in prison. One minute you’re saving the rain forest and indulging in a little fun, the next minute you’re chugging cock. Oh, and Adam “Pacman” Jones you’re this week DLUT! Dude, lighten up. You get paid millions to play football. Why all the thuggery?

Dude, lighten up

Jokes That May Be Too Soon or Outright Mean

Dwyane Wade is taking living in Florida a little too seriously. Next stop Del Boca Vista. What, too soon?
My karma is fucked.

Cigarettes Are One Hell of a Drug

I’m trying to quit smoking or at least cut down the amount I smoke so I haven’t bought a pack of cigarettes in several days. Not buying packs is the best way to stop smoking because when you get the urge to smoke you either a) have to deal with it or b) act like a totally mooch and scrub one off your co-workers. I’ve already exhausted one resource today. Then I approached a couple other people who have bummed smokes from me in the past, but they were both out and trying to quit (buying packs) as well. So to distract my jaw from grinding my teeth into a fine powder I Google image searched “quit smoking” and this was the first image listed:

I’ve never wanted a cigarette and to beat someone senseless more in my entire life.

State of the Union Hall

It’s interesting that Gawker posted about Union Hall today. I went there this past weekend…twice. Embarrassing I know, but once you get the bocce itch you have to scratch it. On Saturday night I went there hoping to play a little bocce with friends, but of course when we got there we were roughly 30^th on the bocce list. So we gave up hope, found a table, and hung out. We learned a few things this first night at Union Hall. The first thing is that the wait staff is utterly miserable. Not at serving--the drinks came promptly--they’re just an unfriendly, depressing lot. They’re rude, don’t thank you for their tips and, in one case, short change you and never return. The second thing you notice is that, yes, it is indeed a homogeneously white crowd. I felt like I was in a bar on Newbury Street in Boston. Not that my group of friends helped the lack of diversity. And who knew The Arcaded Fire was the current style icon of Park Slope?

Being the sucker that I am I lobbied for a return visit the following afternoon. I had a primal urge to play me some bocce. This time the bar wasn’t as crowded. Unfortunately it reminded me of Mos Eisly Space Port populated by douchebag, bocce-snob, yuppie-hipster, Park Slope scum and villainy. Put it this way, there was a guy wearing a sweater vest. The front of the vest was grey with a crest. The back of the vest was blue and black argyle. It was like I’d stepped into a Nantucket yacht club. I finally got on the court, and the guy we were playing against was the biggest dickhead I have ever met. Just an out and out DOUCHE! I won’t get into the boring specifics of the game, but we lost. Want to play some bocce, Arcade Fire?

I won’t be going back to Union Hall ever again. I learned that going to Park Slope on two consecutive days causes one to hate the human race and New York City in general. If you want to play bocce, head to the less pretentious Floyd’s on Atlantic Ave.

Want to play some bocce Arcade Fire?

Jaw Dropping

Sometimes, when the time is right and the fates smile down upon you, you stumble across the greatest Yahoo! headline ever: Britney Spears Shaves Head.

Got To Admit I'm Getting Older, Getting Older All The Time

It happened this past weekend. The final nail in my “I still feel young” coffin was hammered into place. My wife and I (yes, my wife, surprisingly getting married wasn’t the last nail in the coffin) went back to my alma mater to soak in nostalgia, indulge in delicious food from our favorite restaurants, and take a break from New York City’s soul-crushing grip for a few days.

I knew going in that I would feel old hanging around a college town, but I wasn’t prepared for what happened at Judy’s, a restaurant we used to frequent. We sat down and the waiter came to take our drink order. I asked him what kind of beers they had and he read off the list. I ordered a Stella as my hand started toward my pocket to pull out my I.D. The waiter made a strange, almost knowing face and said, “Okay” and walked toward the bar. He didn’t card me and I think he did it on purpose. He didn’t want to give me the satisfaction of getting carded. This is a college town mind you, everyone gets carded.

The waiter came back and took our food orders and headed to the table next to us. The customer ordered a beer and the waiter says, “Can I see your I.D.?” My wife started laughing as my jaw hit the floor. She comforted me by saying that he “looked really young” but my heart was broken.

We headed to McMurphy’s, a bar next door, and I took little solace when the bartender carded me. She was just being polite and covering her ass because Amherst cops are fucking bastards and bars have to I.D. everyone who looks under 35, but why didn’t I receive that same courtsey at Judy’s?

So that was that. Coming on the heels of my 29th birthday and a girl at work saying she thought I was much older than I was, not getting carded brought my youth to a crashing halt. I like to think that my wedding ring ages me, but it’s all down hill from here. Next stop Depends and prune juice.

For fun and to make myself feel even older here’s a list of things that were rare or practically non-existent throughout my college career:

Cell Phones
Only the showy douches had cell phones and I remember thinking how ridiculous it was when I saw kids talking on them while walking across campus.

High Speed Internet
Ethernet was being developed for dorm rooms but my college generation spans that strange time when people really didn’t go on-line that much. We surfed mainly for porn and to watch the Victoria’s Secret runway show, which is pretty much like porn. I got my first email address in college and we went to little cubicles to access email on 10 year-old computers. I got my first non “.EDU” email address after I graduated. I remember it vividly; I was in an internet café in Prague and I was more amazed by my Hotmail account than by the Astronomical Clock.

DVD Players
My roommate got a DVD player my junior year as a bonus for slaving away for a summer and a semester at a major pharmaceutical company. We thought it was the most amazing thing in the world. The one problem, the video stores only had 5 DVDs to rent.

Flat Screen TVs
Flat screens now adorn the walls of all the Amherst bars, but when I was in school they were mearly a pipe dream inspired by those Philips ads with that Gomez cover song “Got to admit it's getting better…”

iPods
I walked around campus my freshmen and sophomore year listening to Wu-Tang mixes on my Walkman.

Mid Season Replacement - Kick Ass New Show to Premiere on FX

I stumbled upon this teaser trailer for a new show premiering this spring on FX. Enjoy.

More on Tim Hardaway

I know you don't come here for insightful commentary, I certainly wouldn't come here. You know where I go for a thoughtful discussion of the issues of the day? To the ESPN message boards. These boards are chalk full of brilliant minds making brilliant comments like:

scubasteve093
sadly enough the liberal #### in the media are going to blow what Tim said way out of proportion like they do with everything! amaechi was a terrible basketball player and he is british where as Timmy was a great basketball player get over youself ameachi! more power to ya Timmy!

and

dahs222
I think he's right. There's a special place for them homose and it's probably not too far from where they send deadspoon readers.

Good stuff. I'd expect nothing less from ESPN commentators

Dude, Lighten Up Thursday

It's Dude Lighten Up Thursday time, but this week's DLUT is a disappointing one. I’m writing this as a man who once had a “Die Harder” Tim Hardaway poster on my wall. I also loved Hardaway’s Nike commercial with Spike Lee (“I gots skillz”) but now he finds himself a “Dude Lighten Up Thursday” inductee. How did Tim fall so fast? Well if you’ve watched SportsCenter you’ve heard about Timmy’s hate filled anti-gay rant on Miami radio. If not, read about it hear. So Tim, you’ve made millions of dollars, legions of fans adored you, and you got to play basketball for a living. Dude, Lighten Up. Why all the hate? Let’s bring out the love you DLUT you.

Dude, lighten up.

G - d Bless America

I was reading Page Six today (shut up, I know) and found something that caught my eye, other than the Scarlett Johansson photo. It was this post on a rabbi giving Britney Spears advice:

My blasphemy knowledge is pretty god-damn limited, but I’m pretty sure saying “God Bless You” doesn't count. Why then did Page Six censor “God” in both it’s newspaper and on-line additions. Is this something that's often done and I just wasn't aware of it? Why is “God bless you” censored? Bill O’Reilly must be throwing a tantrum. He must have known that The Attack on Christmas would soon reach The Almighty, but I bet he didn’t expect this from his network's paper. Is God bless you offensive? Anybody? Does it need to be censored. Seems odd.

Red Carpet Versus Awards Shows

Let's just have a monthly event were we parade out all the stars we want to see, have them walk the red carpet, and then go to a party where there’s another red carpet. It's clear that this is all that matters. Let's end this silly facade of award shows as an event to acknowledge greatness. The Grammy Awards, and award shows in general (the Academy Awards is hanging on by a thread) cease to be relevant when the most talked about subject is the red carpet and fashion, not the winners of the awards.

Take Yahoo! For example. On Yahoo!’s homepage they have two tabs “Featured” and “Entertainment” and the only place where winners are mentioned is in small type on the “Entertainment” tab. Both tabs feature the red carpet. The Grammy’s are now officially on the same level as the Blockbuster Awards, Teen Choice Awards, and every other fake awards show.

I know I shouldn’t be surprised by this an I’m not, but are celebrities really that interesting? You’re damn fucking right they are! I don’t know how I’d function without them.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Horrifying Words

Natalie Cole burst onto the Red Carpet at the Grammy Awards looking like a zombie walking out of a botox clinic shortly after getting a boob job. Words do not do this picture justice. The face looks okay, but the rest is just weird.

One in the Stink

Not to get all Copyranter on you, but this new Butterfinger logo has me a little grossed out. Who wants to by candy from a hand that looks like it's been engaging in a little anal play? Yeah, I don't think I'm going to follow your stinky finger. Thanks, but no.

Damn straight, Monkey. I don't want to touch that shit covered button either.

UPDATE: Just a quick update here. Despite linking to Copyranter I had no idea he had done a Butterfinger post. I assumed he probably did, but I never read it. Of course today while checkingout his site he linked to a previous post of his from July discussing the Butter-shit-finger. This is why he writes for Gawker and I write for you.

Anyway, I didn't want to appear like a total hack to the five random people who stagger across my blog everyday, just a naive hack. So that's that.

Dude, Lighten Up Thursday!

Surprisingly I'm not drunk this Thursday evening, and because of this I realized I never posted my new weekly smash hit "Dude Lighten Up Thursday!" My job is keeping me rather busy, but don't fear because DLUT is here. This week's DLUT is none other than the screaming, whining, Napoleon complex-ed, New York Daily News sports writer Mike Lupica.

Dude, lighten up!

Mike, you write about sports for a living, and have made, I'm sure, I nice chunk of change. It's entertainment, Mike, not Afghanistan. Lighten the fuck up!

Hey, I don't know about you guys, but I'm starting to see a little trend here on DLUT. If you don't know what I'm talking about you can always read the labels.

Kneecapera

Opera has been my life the past few days so here's a Simpson's tribute to Mozart:

Kneecapped, Now With Gossip!

After much drunken Super Bowl discussion I’ve decided to slowly transform Kneecapped into a gossip blog. The enormous success of gossip blogs such as Perez Hilton, Jossip, TMZ, Pink is the New Blog, and others has had an enormous impact on Hollywood, the blogosphere, and life in general. I think we can all honestly say that we're a little dumber and a little shallower because of these tremendous expressions of free speech. For this I’d like to utter a humble “thank you” to these blogs for taking my mind away from the war and towards Lindsay Lohan’s vadge.

In addition, gossip blogs make a fuck-load of money supplying vital information that can only be obtained in, roughly, 500,000 different locations. Plus, the authors achieve a level of fame worthy of appearances on E!, or if they’re lucky a regular gig on that bastion of the privileged lifestyle, LX.TV. So today, I want to announce that Kneecapped is going gay...er...gossip. To help differentiate between my regular posts and my gossip posts during this period of adjustment I will use the “royal we" when addressing ourselves in a gossip post.

Here’s our first post, and boy are we excited:

To start things off we've got a tasty little nugget on the former Mrs. Cosby, Phylicia Rashad. It turns out she used to be married to Victor Willis, the lead singer of the Village People! Not only that, but after their divorce, Mr. Willis was arrested for robbery and cocaine possession! A rip-roarious and scandalous scandal of debauchery and lost love that can only be found here and on his IMDB profile! That site has all the dirt! Phylicia was also married to former NFL star and NBA ass-kisser, Ahmad Rashad! Girl gets around if ya know what we sayin'! It's all really fascinating and will be just about the most important thing you read today, no, this week! More to come when we post again soon, and if I were Debbie Allen , which we might be, I’d be shitting my pants, which we are!

Kneecapped Now With Labels!

It's true that Tommy ain't my mother fuckin' boy, but Kneecapped now has labels for your reading, sorting, and categorizing needs. Click through them and have some fun. Since I had to republish every blog I've written my site had a record 73 hits yesterday and I owe it all to labels.

The GZA says, "Read the label and say it loud."

Kneecapped Reader Mail!

I’ve been writing this blog since August and I just received my first email. It was sent to me, Dan Shanoff, and DC Sports Guy. Somehow the author thinks that my blog actually has a readership.

The email was pimping these Indianapolis Colts Peyton Manning rap videos. You read that correctly. I had the song, “Damn It Feels Good To Have Peyton” stuck in my head all day after catching it on Deadspin. Ion can attest to this as I annoyed him by imitating the “rapper’s” slow Midwestern flow/drawl during the Colts vs. Patriots game.

I hate the Colts and I hate Peyton Manning, but being that this was my first reader email I will oblige and link to, but not embed the videos.

The video that started it all:

"Peyton Paradise"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tPzGI3JAbs0

The video that was stuck in my head:
"Damn It Feels Good To Have Peyton"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtFfuH7uBiE

And the classy:
"Dear Peyton (Take A Big Dump On The Bears)"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXy9t9v9LzY

Dude, Lighten Up Thursday

It’s time for another “Dude, Lighten Up Thursday” and I can barely contain my excitement. I don’t know how you do it. The week must drag from Friday through Wednesday as you wait for this weekly feature. Well, wait no more.

This week we have Glen Ordway, sports radio personality from my hometown WEEI in Boston. Basically he screams about sports for four hours a day with a bunch of other blowhard tools bags. Sports are a serious subject and it takes a serious man to discuss them. Groin pulls, coaching moves, which player slighted a dickhead reporter, it's pretty heavy stuff. This world has clearly pressed down hard on Mr. Ordway, or maybe he should just lighten the fuck up and smile for the camera. Too cool to smile tough guy?

Dude, lighten up.

Previously:

Lenn Robbins

A Record Setting Day

Yesterday, was a milestone day here at Kneecapped HQ. First, Kneecapped received its 2,000th visitor. Then, Kneecapped set the daily record for site visits with 51, the first time this blog has broken the elusive 50 hit barrier. These are heights this blog never even reached during The Great Jessica Simpson Surge of 2006. What is the cause for this sudden rise in popularity? Because Kneecapped is an extremely well written and hilarious blog, that’s why. That and a little post on the Civilian Reserve Corps.

The country is going mad for the Civilian Reserve Corps. Searches for the program are out of control and many find their way to my site, because when you want the low-down on new government initiatives Kneecapped is the place to be. I jest, the country and even Canada loves the Civilian Reserve Corps. Maybe they’re interested because it was hardly explained and is kind of a strange concept. Civilians serving the Army in non-military functions helping them fight the war on terror. This is a great idea. There are lots of people who wish they could do more to help “the cause.” Plus, all those chicken hawks who were screaming for the war in Iraq can now serve the military, perfect. I’m sure, no wait, I’m positive that this program won’t be corrupted at all.

"Dude, Lighten Up" Thursdays

This week's "Dude, Lighten Up Thursday" features Lenn Robbins, College Basketball Writer for the New York Post:

Dude, lighten up!

You're a college basketball writer, not an inner city crime reporter. You write about the fine points of Syracuse's man-zone defense, not the fine points of the Lebanese/Syrian political dynamic. You're not an FBI field agent; you cover athletes pretending not to have agents. Lighten up a little. Let's see those pearly whites.

Somewhere George Gaynes Nods His Head in Approval – Kneecapped’s State of the Union Analysis

As a huge fan of “The Unit” I was as disappointed as anyone that the State of the Union Address was airing last night at 9:00 P.M. Not only was I not able to witness the continued decline of William H. Macy’s career (has he turned down a role since Fargo?), but I had to sit through a political speech. And yes, I was a political science major, but only for the chicks.

All kidding aside (except the part about me loving The Unit) I quite enjoy the State of the Union Address. The pomp and tradition, the giddy look on a new Representative’s face when they’re about to shake hands with the President, and the fact that elected officials ask the President for his autograph always brings a smile to my face. This year, however, something else caught my attention.

What caught my attention was Bush’s section on the military. I believe the quote was, “blah, blah, blah, troop levels. Blah, blah, blah recruit more troops. Blah, blah, blah we’re all in danger all the time. Blah, blah, blah civilian reserve corps.” To be honest I wasn't really paying attention until the last line. A Civilian Reserve Corps.

Here’s the real quote:

“A second task we can take on together is to design and establish a volunteer Civilian Reserve Corps. Such a corps would function much like our military reserve. It would ease the burden on the Armed Forces by allowing us to hire civilians with critical skills to serve on missions abroad when America needs them. And it would give people across America who do not wear the uniform a chance to serve in the defining struggle of our time.”

Now, being a child of the HBO era I have a mind that’s been ruined by routine viewing and re-viewing of shit movies. I was also a Political Science major as mentioned before. On top of this I went to UMASS, I write a blog, and I have consumed entirely too much beer in the last 12 years or so. The end result of this potion of underachievement and slackerdom is the fact that my brain functions on a pretty low level, so this is what I was reminded of when President Bush mentioned a Civilian Reserve Corps:

That’s right; I was reminded of Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol. For those with more refined cinematic tastes, Police Academy 4 was the one where Commandant Lassard launches his plan to fight crime: C.O.P, Citizens on Patrol, a police squad made up of regular Joe's. The police recruit a rag-tag team including a huge fat guy, Bobcat Goldthwait, and a trigger happy grandma, comedy gold to be sure. My sides are splitting just thinking about it.

You wouldn’t think a grown man would admit this to World Wide Web, but given the eerie similarities between George W. Bush and Commandant Eric Lassard both in appearance and their “clumsy-idiot-who-somehow-wields-great-power” personas, maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit.

Photo of the Day

Here's my photo of the day courtesy of blatantly pirated from ESPN.com

It Was Fun While It Lasted

No, I'm not talking about this blog. I'm talking about the Boston Sports Dynasty that came to a crashing halt last night at about 10:30 P.M. EST. I don't know if I'm ready for a world where Peyton Manning is a championship quarterback.

I had a picture in mind to match with this post, Wile E. Coyote falling to the bottom of a canyon followed by the cloud of smoke. But I searched the entire internets and couldn't find one. If you know how to locate one, hook a depressed Patriots fan up. "Go fuck yourself" you say? "You've won plenty. Stop whining" you say? You know what, you're right. I can't complain about that game. Boston fans have had incredible run of luck in the last half decade. The other horseshoe was bound to drop sometime. Finally, we can go back to a world where our only expectation is failure on an epic scale. I’m home again.

Kneecapped Down! Kneecapped Down!

Dear Readers,

You’ve probably heard the expression “all good things must come to an end,” but did you know that this phrase applies to mediocre things as well? If you’ve been reading my blog, and judging by my Sitemeter you haven’t, but if you had been reading you would notice that I haven’t been posting much of late. Sadly, I think you’ll have to expect more inactivity on this space for some time to come.

Why haven’t I been posting? Lack of inspiration, job kicking my ass, and the fact that I’m working on a new website are the main factors. I’ll link to my new site when it’s up and ready, but in the interim I think I can only guarantee you one post per week maximum. I’m sorry, and I know it won’t be easy for you. You don’t just stop reading Kneecapped so I’ll do my best to wean you off.

So, to Geoff, Jonah, Ion, Adam, and Jodi thanks for supporting Kneecapped it was a great run.

Thanks to the legitimate blogs Rum & Popcorn, AwfulAnnouncing and Gowanus Lounge for linking to me.

I’m hesitant to call this a “Good Bye.” I hate the permanence of good byes because they just seem so permanent. Let’s instead call it a “Good Riddance.”

Thanks again for reading.

Best,

Rick

Cheese With That Whine?

The “master of class” LaDainian Tomlinson, didn't like the Pats dancing on the field after the Chargers choked, fumbled, and personal fouled their way out of a victory on Sunday. Seems to me that LT2 is a bit caught up in his image as a "classy" guy. But see, classy guys don't say they're classy guys, that’s rule #1. Secondly, he was offended because the Patriots were mocking a dance performed by steroid abuser Shawn Merriman? A dance that Merriman performs when he wants to show up another team. What's classy about dancing and taunting? And finally, the Chargers were talking shit all day, taking cheep shots, and in 2005 when the Chargers killed the Pats the Chargers were dancing on the Patriot’s logo, but now LT2 bitches about it?. That's called being a sore loser, not acting classy.

Here's the whiner in action:

Not Everyone Likes My Site

Well, the headline should probably read, "Practically No One Likes My Site" but whatever.

As if the paltry single digit site visits wasn't enough to destroy my fragile ego I got this email from BlogBurst.

Thank you for requesting an invitation to BlogBurst. At this time your blog is not a good match for our current set of publisher partners. However, our network of publishers is quickly growing and we encourage you to check back with us occasionally. We expect for many of the blogs not invited in this early period to be a part of the BlogBurst network in the future.Thank you for your interest in BlogBurst, and best wishes.

Best Regards,The BlogBurst Team

Very ouch. That stings the nostrils and my self-esteem. To be honest, I don't really know what BlogBurst even is exactly. I signed up for it after seeing it on Gowanus Lounge, but I think it's a directory for elite blogs or something. All I know is they want no part of Kneecapped. And with all the tapir sex reference on my site I guess I can't really blame them.

Tapirs and Me: An Archive of Tapir Posts:
The Post that got it all started The Bronx Zoo

The post that took it to the next level: The Sitemeter Tapir Search

When my site was growing on the back of Tapir sex searches: My Success Got the Best of Me

Beating a dead tapir: About My Readership

Yes, But Are They Talented?

I’m no Scrabble® wizard. Anyone who’s read this site knows the limits of my vocabulary are limited, but this line from John Clayton’s “First and Goal” on ESPN.com made me chuckle:

"Cameron knows he needs to find ways to get Tomlinson past the Patriots' talented defensive line so the talented back can make his moves on the linebackers and defensive backs."

Maybe we can break out the ol’ thesaurus next time John.

Come Up With Your Own Jokes, Gawker

I’ve made the big time. Gawker ripped off the easy and obvious joke that I wrote here yesterday.

Gawker wrote this:

“We're going to recommend that they go with the classic ‘he who smelt it
dealt it’ defense-- it's been working for us since first grade.”

Here's what I wrote:

"The City looks to blame New Jersey's silent-but-violent reputation. New Jersey counters by saying, 'Whoever smelt it dealt it.'"

Are fart jokes no longer sacred?

NEWS FLASH!! New York Smells

A disgusting odor has taken over New York, covering the normally pleasant fragrances of exhaust, urine, stale beer, vomit, and garbage. The City looks to blame New Jersey's silent-but-violent reputation. New Jersey counters by saying, "Whoever smelt it dealt it." I'll be back with more info as this story develops.

More Stupidity from Lowermybills.com

What do I do when it's 69 degrees on January 6th? I post about Lowermybills.com. This is a strict rule that I have. So, being that it is 69 degrees here in New York City on January 6th here's a yet another incredibly stupid Lowermybills.com advert. We're getting closer and closer to the lip piercing ad. Now I'm off to Coney Island to get ice cream.

Previous Lowermybills.com Posts
Would You Sign Your Life Away To This Company?
Lowermybills Loves the Tatties

Hello 2007...Four Days Late!

Happy New Year everybody! So, I took a few days off from the blog, shoot me. No one reads this thing anyway. The few of you that do probably have my email or phone number so if you really wanted to hear from me you could have reached out. You didn’t and I’m still getting over it.

The rest of you tapir sex, Jessica Simpson/Direct TV commercial, and Marc Bulger searching fools shouldn't be mad either. You stumble upon these pages only to be disappointed on arrival.

The tapir folks are upset with my lack of graphic photos. Alas, this is a blog written by one mortal man with a full time job and five kids to feed. I can’t be expected to please your bizarre fetishes.

The Jessica Simpson crowd is searching for answers for why she is such a horrible actress. Answers that I cannot possibly provide as only the All Mighty itself can truly explicate the limits of her talents. Maybe Pat Robertson will ask next time he raps wit tha Lord.

And who knew there were so many Marc Bulger fans out there? What a dull life you must lead. Only joking. There’s only one Tom Brady and once you go Tom you never go…root for someone else.

I’ll try to do better. It was my New Years resolution to update more frequently so expect posting to stop by Valentine’s Day. Or, if things work out there may be a new website in the near future. Check back for the teaser trailer, but until then check out this teaser trailer.

Thank you for joining me and good luck in the 2-Bond.