Kneecapped's Year That Was - A summary in 12 Parts

So it’s the end of another year. Fan-fucking-tastic! And what better way to celebrate than by recounting the year that was. Since I was the Time person of the year let’s recount my tremendous trip ‘round the sun, a twelve month tour de force certainly worthy of the cover of the top weekly news rag (no one’s made fun of that Time cover yet, right?) The format: I will recap one or two events from each history making month of 2006. A task that, after cutting through the haze of time and alcohol, is harder than it sounds.

January
I was selected as a juror on a horrific case and the defendants tried to escape the courtroom by stabbing their lawyer in the neck and tackling the bailiff. Not the ideal way to start the year, but at least the murderers were convicted a month later.

February
Saw Sammy Hagar perform with Chad Smith at Cabo Wabo in Cabo San Lucas and learned that he still can’t drive 55. Hangover followed.

March
March sucks. It’s by far my least favorite month and it should probably be stricken from the calendar. But since I’m not God…yet (hint, hint Time Magazine) I scanned the deep reaches of my mind and came up with spending St. Patrick’s Day in the fine Irish pub Welcome to the Johnsons. Plus, my NCAA bracket was destroyed after the first day. This is the best I can come up with which is in a nutshell why I hate March.

April
Went to see Ladytron at Irving Plaza. Loved the show, had fun, felt old.

May
Celebrated my first wedding anniversary. “Jodi, they said we couldn’t do it baby but we showed the world!”

June
Moved into a new apartment, began a 30 year journey into debt service.

July

Fell in love with soccer all over again. Is there any doubt that the 2006 World Cup was the event of the year? (This event took place in June as well.)

August
Started a little blog you may have heard about. No, Still haven’t heard about it? Get ready for a big ad campaign in the New Year. A hint, it involves me sitting at a street corner with a cow and a poster of Laura Dern.

September
Saw the Flaming Lips and wanted to punch the dickhead fan who was wearing a giant backpack, chickened out.

October
Didn’t dress up for Halloween for the 7th straight year. A personal highlight.

Almost died at a Massive Attack concert.

November
I met a certain someone who I had been poking fun at on this space, awkwardness followed. If I really wanted to confront these people I wouldn’t have a blog, I’d have courage.

10 year high school reunion.

December
I wrote a narcissistic blog about my award winning year.

Realized I gained about 15 – 20 pounds in 2006. All this after swearing I would jog everyday.

You Say Tomato I Say The Housing Market's Fine

I don't know who's spinning what, but these two news wires (Yahoo! on top, Fox News below) took the same data and news story and attached completely opposite headlines to them, Fox being more optimistic. READERS NOTE: Please try and ignore the Penis Cartoon/STD story on the Fox wire.

Yeah, But Shouldn't The Beautiful Young Actress Be, Well, Beautiful?

Maggie Gyllenhaal is not beautiful as evidenced by this photo where she does her best Olsen twin impression. She looks like my great aunt. See the larger picure here.

Merry Christmas and Other Holiday Cheers

I’d like to wish a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, and Happy Kwanza to all. I hit a wall after my 100th post, but I promise to come back strong, if not next week, in the New Year.

So have you all heard or seen that SNL video "Dick in a Box?" Of course you have it's on every single blog and email sent or posted over the last week. Well, this isn't it, but it has to do with HD TV, my supportive mistress.

Hoop

Geoff are you ever going to update your blog?

Dice-secting the Daisuke Matsuzaka Deal and Calling Mike Greenberg a Douche Bag

For some reason I torture myself every morning by waking up to Mike & Mike in the Morning on ESPN radio. Mike Greenberg’s hyperbole and Mike Golic’s stammering do not make for an enjoyable wake up call, but it beats the shrieking high pitched alarm, barely. Anyway, earlier this week the show was having Scott Boras on as a guest. In typical ESPN ass kiss fashion Greenie was repeating all morning that Boras was "playing the Red Sox like a fiddle" going as far as calling him Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof. Needless to say this pissed me off; the fact the Greenie was calling my home team suckers while at the same time sucking up to one of the most reprehensible characters in all of sports turned my stomach. He was being a bigger douche than normal and that's saying something.*

Today brings good news, however. Daisuke “Dice-K” Matsuzaka is all but signed (pending a physical) for the sum of $52 million over 6 years ($8.7 million per) including escalator clauses that quite frankly I hope he reaches (because they kick in if he finishes high in Cy Young and MVP voting) that could boost the contract to an average of about $10 million per year. The Red Sox initially offered $8 million a year and ended up signing him for 8.7 million per year. In comparison, Gil Meche, he of the a career ERA of 4.65, was just signed for $11 million dollars per year.

The Dice-K deal with the posting fee included averages out to over $17 million per year. No small potatoes to be sure, but that’s the kind of money Boras was initially hoping to sign Matsuzaka for, not $8.6 million. Boras had said he wasn’t going to consider the posting fee in his negotiations, clearly he had to. Other than over bidding the posting fee by $10 million the Dice-K deal couldn’t have worked out any better for the Sox.

So, Mike “Greenie” Greenberg, can we hear more about this fiddle that Boras was supposedly playing the Red Sox like because the music I hear sounds like the Sox got exactly the deal they wanted.

*(via Deadspin)

Yeah, But Who Cares About Marc Bulger?

I'm no expert like the guys at say, ESPN, but I'm pretty sure that's not Marc Bulger:

Anyone know who that is standing in for Bulger? He looks really familiar, but I can't place it.

Here's everyone's favorite slightly above average NFL QB:

The Russian Spy Case Just Got a Little Hipper

This link on the Yahoo! wire caught my eye:

Interpol is on the case! Now, I'm no genius but I'm pretty sure Interpol and their brand of New-New Wave melancholy-pop-rock are just the people to bring the sinister powers behind the Russian spy assassination to their knees.

Wow, that didn't take long. Here's Interpol moving in standard two-by-two cover formation. The group walks the beat, taking names, searching for clues, and looking stylish.

Shame, shame, shame. No rest for the weary, boys. There's a killer on the loose.No, sadly the killer is not in Williamsburg. Spread your wings Interpol the world anxiously awaits your findings!"They Caught This Killer with New-New-Wave-Melancholy-Pop Rock n' Roll!"
Writer's block makes you crazy.

Look-A-Like Sundays

My Success Got The Best of Me

It was the week of 11/26 and Kneecapped was averaging 24 visits per day and climbing. I had cornered the market on Jessica Simpson Direct TV and animal sex searches. My blog was linked to two porn sites because of my riveting tapir post. Kneecapped was about to blow up and take over the blogsphere. Needless to say, I was on top of the world. So what do I do? I don’t post for five days and ruin everything. Site visits plummeted from 24 to 21 per day, and you know what? I deserve it.

I abandoned you, my audience, my fans, my loyal servants. They say “leave people wanting more” but I‘ve traveled way beyond that. You my readers, began by simply wanting more, but soon, around Monday night or so, you began needing more. This of course led to that depression you felt around Tuesday afternoon which quickly morphed into the anger that enveloped you late Tuesday night. There was no sign that Kneecapped would ever be updated again and you wanted to hit something or someone. I’m writing here to apologize for putting you through that emotional rollercoaster.

So, Geoff, Ion, Jonah, Irene, Jodi, Tapir Sex Search Guy, and the tens of people around the country who stumble upon my blog every single day, I’m sorry. Please for give me, and keep coming back because things around here can only get better.

Tapir Sex is the New People Sex

A popular gimmick (although gimmick is too harsh a word, really) used by many bloggers in the Gawker Blog Pack is to write about funny searches that lead people to your blog. I’m not criticizing it (and I’d recommend checking out those links) I’m just making an observation.

I too, have done it. I’ve written about my current Google position for “Jessica Simpson Direct TV commercial” searches which is currently #3 and is responsible for about 50% of my web hits at the moment. I’ve had some other interesting searches such as “exploding dog” and a disturbing search for “slitting your wrists” that have lead to Kneecapped, but nothing that’s been funny enough to warrant a whole post. That is until today.

This morning while checking out my Sitemeter I started laughing like a madman in my empty apartment after seeing that this search directed some deranged Aussie web-surfer to my site:

“tapir zoo sex fucking free images”

What in the name of fuck?

Tapir sex photos! And free ones at that! Shit, man, if you want to see pictures of tapirs getting it on you’re going to have to pay for that shit. People don’t just post free pictures of tapirs fucking. That shit is gold and is sold to the highest bidder or anyone with a C.C. billing account. The internet isn’t just some den of free animal pornography. It's a research tool, not something to be used for your warped tapir sex fetish.

He must be an ass man.

For more on tapirs check this post.

Televison/Job Is Getting Me Down

I've been down on TV and my participation in that industry of late so it was fitting that The Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy's song "Television, The Drug of a Nation" played on the radio tonight. I thought I'd share it with you in case you're not familiar with the track, and thanks to the Youtube it's easier than ever. So, without further ado, please enjoy the Chuck D and Guru-esque stylings of Michael Franti and The Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy.

Oh Snap! It's Ion's Take!

This week Ion tackles some serious issues that have been troubling him.

Rick and I went out last night, had a few beers at the local, as we try to do every week. We often talk about things of mutual interest. We discuss movies/music/books, reminisce about when we were younger, discuss the future and recount current events. One such event talked about was the shooting/killing of Sean Bell, the 23 year old groom to be who was gunned down by police this weekend. No one really knows the story at this point, how/why it happened. Still, it just seems as if a guy out for his bachelor party got wasted , got in a car, someone drove in the wrong direction, striking an undercover (unmarked) police vehicle, which set off a barrage of gunfire that left a 23 year old dead on the day of his wedding.

Now, this is fucked up for many reasons. Aside from the obvious police shooting to death an unarmed man, there are other questions. Such as, why did one officer fire 31 of those shots, reloading his gun twice? A fact such as this begs the question of is the average NYPD officer (and in this case, 12 year veteran) that poorly trained that they must fire that many rounds at close range to ensure they hit someone? Shouldn’t the policy be to disable a suspect so that they may be brought into custody and then tried with a crime if necessary? Isn’t a tenet of our legal system “innocent until proven guilty? Since when is it shoot to kill?

It's reminiscent of the movie Judge Dread in which cops were judge/jury/executioner. That movie sucked ass and so does the state of things. The sad reality is its always been that way. It was that way with Amadou Diallo and its been that way with many others. I don’t know what's more troubling, the fact that those who are supposed to protect and serve kill those the very citizens they swear to protect or the fact that there doesn’t seem to be repercussions when they do such things.

Tonight on my walk home I witnessed four officers questioning one black man who was pulled over while driving. I don’t know why he was pulled over, but as he was retrieving his license/registration/whatever all of them had their hands on their pistols. It was almost as if they were looking for a reason to draw their guns and fire. You hear about cop cars being called a “black and white”, but that shouldn’t necessitate the way police conduct themselves.

Why My Self-Esteem is at an All Time High

If you’ve noticed that my Sitemeter hit counter has been staying at a steady 15 visits or so per day, and if you’re like me you have, then you only have one person to thank, my good friend Jessica Simpson.

Apparently, I’m not the only one enamored with this talented vixen of stage and screen. I’ve had more hits due to my Bad Ads post a few weeks back when I made fun of the hilariously terrible Direct TV commercial featuring the former Mrs. Lachey. The Google web searches can barely keep up with the demand, and I’m proud to say Kneecapped is ranking high on the searches for “Jessica Simpson Direct TV” and “Jessica Simpson Direct TV Accent” and other similar searches.

So a humble thank you to the actress that made playing a dumb hick bimbo look hard, Jessica Simpson. For those of you who missed it, here the commercial once again. And to Pokerfoos, I’d still hit that as well.

This Week In Waste

Our Fresh Direct order came in last night and one box was surprisingly light. Let's see what was in it: One box of tea. A box of tea in another box 10 times its size. Nothing else. That seems worth it. The box is recyclable, but really, let's be reasonable here. It’s like the great Mitch Hedberg joke about people who hand out pamphlets on the street, “here you throw this out.”

At least my tea was delivered safe and sound. Wouldn't want that box of dried, crushed leaves getting damaged.

Anyone Want To Tell Me How My Reunion Was?

Does anyone know? Because details are a little fuzzy. I know I had fun, but to what extent I have know idea.

That's So Pathetic

This headline caught my eye today as I was perusing ESPN.com. Yes that's correct, ESPN was cleverly referencing the Raven Simone show, That's So Raven. Never heard of That’s So Raven? It’s the show that's currently making a mockery out of the once great viewing experience that was Saturday morning television. Let's just say that Raven is a high schooler with the ability to see into the future. Bad show. But, That's So Raven is owned by Disney, so it's a natural synergy for ESPN also owned by Disney. Hooray for synergy!

Let's forget for a minute that I know what show ESPN is talking about (and please let’s forget it, like right now) but does the average sports fan and ESPN.com visitor know of That's So Raven? I tend to doubt it.

Yes I’ve seen the show and it's embarrassing, but when I'm hung-over in our bedroom without cable TV I've been reduced to watching TSR. I must say, it's great for when I'm trying to induce vomiting.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Kneecapped’s Lack of (Internet) Knowledge - Fred Wilson Interview

I saw Fred Wilson speak tonight at a New York Magazine "Master Class" event. I had never even heard of Fred Wilson before, which considering that he is a major player in website venture capitalism, and a popular blogger, goes to show you my naiveté in these matters, but I digress.

Fred gave a great interview. He was clear, insightful, and he was able to relay his message to a wide range of audience members with varying degrees of background knowledge. If I understood what he was talking about, surely everyone else did. It's no surprise he recently sold his home for a ridiculous sum of money, he’s a bright fellow.

I'd recommend hearing him speak if you get the chance, or just check out his blog like I will be doing from now on. The interview will also be available on Columbia Business School's website in the near future.

Jury Appreci-fucking-ation Day

We live in a great country with an amazing legal system. Our founding beliefs that everyone is created equal goes hand in hand with a legal system that grants you the right to a fair trial in front of a jury of your peers. Jurors are a cross section of our nation’s economic, ethnic, and religious groups. Each juror’s opinion matters and has influence on the system. When you finish a case the judge thanks you for performing your civic duty, and you go home fulfilled. No juror is more important than the next.

Ha ha, fooled you! If that were at all true then we wouldn't have JURY APPRECIATION DAY!!! (page 4) What is this disgusting display of glad-handing and celebrity worship known as Jury Appreciation Day you ask? It’s the Justice Department's turn to hang with celebs and bask in their glow. It's the Justice Department's chance to give praise to the celebrities that didn’t use their P.R. rep or lawyers to get them out of jury duty that year. And it’s the Justice Department's opportunity to finally give these celebs the proper "thank you" they deserve for giving their valuable and famous time to the belittling, un-hip, and peasant-like service of jury duty.

Fuck you all.

I’m still waiting for my invitation to the Jury Appreciation Day gala. Yes, I was on jury duty this year. You may have read about my trial, as it made the cover of the NY Post. That’s what happens when defendants stab their lawyer in the neck and make a break for the bailiff’s gun, stabbing him as well, all this about 20 feet away from the jury. Yeah, that shit makes the cover of the Post.

The whole jury was shaken (well not me). One woman had a borderline nervous breakdown and could barely make it back into court for it to be declared a mistrial. This was three days after the escape attempt and she was still bawling. The woman was basically traumatized, but I bet she didn’t get the chance to hang with Bobby D and Regis yesterday.

Maybe they should have Bailiff Appreciation Day? For the brave bailiff who held off the prisoner despite being stabbed and injuring his knee but did not surrender his gun.

Or how about a Whoever's Job It Is To Frisk Prisoners Before They Go Into Court Appreciation Day, so they’ll have a little added motivation to do their fucking jobs.

But this won’t happen because none of these people were in Taxi Driver and none of them host a dopey daytime talk show.

Jury Appreciation Day needs to stop. Tax money probably pays for the fucking thing, why is this necessary? Am I going to take jury duty more seriously because Paula Fucking Zahn’s ass is kissed for doing so?

Bad Ads - Jessica Simpson/Direct TV

The commercial that is currently living in my nightmares is the Direct TV/Daisy Duke ad that runs, oh, just about every five minutes on any given station at any given time. Jessica Simpson is such a bad actress she can’t even speak with a decent Southern accent despite the fact that she’s from the South and has a Southern accent. She's so bad she acts her way out of her accent. This commercial makes me want to pour lye on my hand Taylor Durden style.

The G Train Makes Me Feel Special

Last night, while sprinting down the Bergen St. subway platform to catch the little G train that stops in the middle of the platform, far away from the entrances, my wife made a funny comparison. The G train is like the short bus.

I have to agree. The G is smaller than normal trains, it doesn’t go into Manhattan (mainstream school?), and acts as an auxiliary train service.

The short bus stops in many different and spread out school districts, picking up students and bringing them to a central (special?) school. The G train rides through Brooklyn and Queens wrangling up hipsters to bring to Williamsburg or yuppies to drop off in Cobble Hill.

The G is also an object of scorn and mockery. When people hear you live on the G train their eyes become glassy. Their expression grows into one of confusion and pity.

So here’s to you G train, don’t let anyone tell you you’re different.

Kneecapped Knee Surgery Report - Microfrature Surgery

Microfracture surgery, what is it and why would athletes have the surgery if there's a large possibility they will never fully recover from it? These questions and Ion’s Take on today’s Kneecapped

Basically, microfracture surgery is glorified butchery. The surgery attempts to stimulate growth of new cartilage by puncturing the surrounding bone with an awl or “ice pick-like device.” That sounds terrific; sign me up for that shit! The body then heals the wounds, and ideally makes it stronger. There’s also some mumbo jumbo about stem cells, but stem cells, even ones your body produces naturally are evil, or so my preacher tells me, so I ignored it.

The success rate isn’t great for microfracture surgery and this surprises me somewhat because it sounds similar to how they fixed my spontaneous pneumothorax, collapsed lung to the layfolk. My lung collapsed when I was 17 or so, for no real reason other than being tall, thin, and male, seriously, this happens to tall and thin people, don't ask. I went into the hospital, had a chest tube rammed into my ribcage to allow my lung to inflate and heal itself. But a week later it relapsed in the Cleveland Circle movie theater while I was watching the dramatic styling’s of David Caruso in Kiss of Death.

The second time, they rammed a chest tube into me and performed surgery. The doctor rubbed the inside of my chest wall making it all bloody and raw so when my lung inflated it would attach all the bloody bits and heal and clot and intermix with it, forming a bond that would last a lifetime. So far so good.

Not so for the microfracture surgery. It now can add another athlete to its hit list.


*Microfracture facts were found in Wikipedia and therefore should be taken with a grain of salt.

Best of Ion's Take

Ion couldn't be bothered with his Ion's Take today, so being that it's getting close to the end of the year and all I've compiled a Best of Ion's Take:

Ion's scathing argument against big trucks and the dickheads who drive them.

Ion's frustrated complaint about a stingy bartender.

Ion's whistle-blowing report on teachers who force their students to smuggle opium into prisons...oh, wait, that's not an Ion's Take. There are only two installments, but perhaps he will grace us tomorrow. If there's a god, he will.

The ESPN Era AKA The Death of Sports

I was as shocked as anyone when the sports media overreacted to the latest Bobby Knight controversy. The sports media is always rational and reasoned. No, actually there are few groups as self important in this day and age as the sports media. Add the fact that their ugly mugs are posted all over television and now they aren't just full of themselves, but they’re also famous. It is the age of "Media as Celebrity" and it’s enough to make you grow a cheesy Jim Rome goatee and shoot yourself in the face.

After listening to Mike & Mike spar verbal diarrhea, about Bobby Knight, in between stutters and their typical ass kissing, I pretty much had it. I now officially hate sports. The media, with a few exceptions, have driven all the fun out of following it, and I fucking hate them for it. Check out ESPN today, a whole fucking section of a non-incident, and an important “Day later” video.

Cigarettes, Quitting, and You

It’s hard to quit smoking, even with all the warnings that it will kill you. What keeps people from quitting? Here are the main reasons:
1) Just don’t give a shit
2) Think you’ll beat cancer
3) I’ll do it tomorrow
4) “I like it”
5) Haven’t smoked for that long
6) Addicted
Did I miss any?

This Can't End Well

As all of you know, the Red Sox bid $51.1 million for the right to negotiate with Japanese star pitcher, Daisuke Matsuzaka. Shockingly, a measly bid like that won the prize. Now they deal with Scott Boras, the mastermind behind A-Rod's now infamous contract. Let’s just say the Sox shouldn't close the coffers just yet.

Top notch pitchers are getting $15 million per year contracts these days, so figure Boras to really put the screws to the Sox who are already in for 51 million smackeroos. Say Matsuzaka wins a 5 year 77.5 million dollar contract ($15.5 per season) and add that sum to the $51.1 million already paid and the deal averages out to $25.72 million, more than the A-Rod deal. All this for a pitcher who only throws every five days, not a shortstop who will break the career homerun record.

The fact that it’s the Red Sox, as a fan, I have to say this doesn't have a great chance of ending well. The best case scenario is they win another World Series or two. Great, I’m all for that, and the excitement level of having a pitcher of this magnitude will be fun. Plus, you have to love the Sox spending some dough, finally. But the worst case scenarios and the ifs out weigh everything else. Injury, overrated, disappointment, can’t pitch on the big stage, home sick, he sucks, all these things will kill the Red Sox down the road.

I can’t complain too much, I’m not a Royals, Pirates, or Tampa Bay fan thank God. The Sox are going after the best pitcher on the market, so I can’t bitch too much about it, and hey, it’s not my money anyway, but spending that kind of money to talk is borderline stupid.

Cheney Just a Regular Goofy Guy

On a recent (November 3rd) Neil Cavuto "Deep Thought" or "Daily Affirmation" or some commentary bullshit that he does, Neil talks about the soft side of Vice President, patriot, and hero, yes hero, Dick Cheney. Cavuto compares him to everyone's favorite decathlete and Disney funny man, Goofy.

The video isn't on the Youtube (and I'm linking Youtube because it hasn't gotten the publicity it deserves) so you have to find it on the Fox News site. When there, click on the latest Neil Cavuto video, and then look for the November 3rd post.

If you don't want to watch the video because, say, you're afraid of Neil Cavuto's giant head, then you can read the transcript here, but you should really check out the video to get the full effect of his kissassery.

Note 1: I found the transcript webpage and additional commentary at News Hounds.

Note 2: Check the sweet-ass photo doctoring. You'd be surprised if I told you, and I don't want to brag, but I'm a total novice at Photoshop, so it appears that I'm a natural. In fact, I didn't even do this in Photoshop. Nope, that beautiful (and clever) masterwork was achieved in Microsoft Picture It!

Hummers For All!

I’ve seen the Hummer commercial below on TV for a while now, but only really paid attention to it yesterday, because, well, fuck commercials. Although the ad's message of, “we’re all doomed so why not just buy what makes you happy?” is a little misguided, the clever nod to the gas guzzling SUV’s role in global warming issues is funny. The way the ad plays to the fatalistic Evangelical mindset of Armageddon is a master stroke. Most importantly, I respect Hummer’s honesty, even though their autos are a prime example of American hubris, at least they’re not pretending to be something their not.

You Can’t Spell Laxative Without “L – X”

It's been a little while since Freud Communications visited my site so I thought it time for another Code.TV/LX.TV post. The video below follows in the "Models and Bottles" tradition of the now infamous A.J. video and is titled "Beautiful Babies". It's now clear that Code.TV and Freud don't care about bad publicity or embarrassing videos. They're embracing their shallowness and nurturing the unintentional comedy goldmine that is "putting a camera on a nightlife fixture and letting the duchetricity shock and awe you." Now, without further ado, a club owner who's about as smooth as a five year-old skateboarding down a gravel road.

LowerMyBills.Com Loves the Tatties

Here's a new LowerMyBills.com tattoo advertisement. Here's an old one. Call me old fashioned, but I just don't get it.

A Fricken Napsack Indeed

Do rolling suitcases bother you as much as they bother me? People just don't know how to steer those fuckers and whenever I'm near a person strolling one I fear my legs are going to be taken out from under me after a sharp turn made by the oblivious pedestrian. They make me uneasy and that pisses me off.

Well, there's something worse than rolling suitcases, rolling backpacks. Suitcases are heavy and I understand the need for wheels, but backpacks? Give me a friggin’ break. That's why this morning I smiled while walking to work towards Penn Station when a man huffed, puffed, and stormed around a woman with a rolling backpack and yelled at her, "it's a fricken napsack!" and stormed off.

I love the smell of anger in the morning, especially warranted anger. Here's an idea, those straps on your backpack, put your weak and atrophied arms through them and rest the straps on your scrawny shoulders and, gasp, carry your backpack.

Ion's Take - In the Shining Path of Monster Trucks

(The following line should be read in your best Morley Safer or Mike Wallace voice. RIP Ed Bradley.)

Ion's had it with all the with big trucks.

Why are big trucks not equipped with directional signals to let lesser cars know when they will change lanes? Why do big trucks tailgate you when you are already going 90 miles an hour? If they’re in such a big hurry , why aren’t they sports cars? Do drivers of big trucks realize that although they may drive a big truck to enhance their stature, they actually look much smaller behind the wheel of a big truck? Why are advertisements for big trucks so similar, regardless of the manufacturer? Instead of the ads showing big trucks driving to construction sites or herding cattle, why don’t they emphasize how easily the doors of big trucks can dent adjacent cars in parking lots or their ability to cover two lanes of traffic on most roadways? Why are big trucks so eager to demonstrate all the places they can go although they shouldn’t? Why are they the loudest vehicles out there? Why are they so brash and seemingly so eager to make a statement? Why do they consume so much fuel? Why do big trucks seem to embody the worst characteristics of our country?

Photo by Ion.

Ion did not give me permission to use this photo, I am assuming I have it. I hope not to be sued.

Oh Sausage McMuffin, How Do I Love Thee

Thank you for curing my hangovers.

Who's Washed Up in This Picture?

Jorge Garcia of Lost was the guest host on The 9, Yahoo's blogvloghipvideothingie. This begs the question which product is washed up, Lost or The 9?

Lost is promoting its freefalling show on Yahoo's blogvlogthingie, which doesn't bode well for them. I mean this show obsessed people the last few years, me included, and now it needs The 9 to help it? Bad times for them.

The 9 on the other hand, although pointless and annoying, has some buzz and a certain hip-ness that the kids are talking about it (doesn't it?) Not to mention a host that’s packing some heat in the breastal region, and they're resorting to an actor from that sinking ship that is Lost to co-host the show! A co-host that's packing some serious fat in the torso region no less! I don't know, but that screams of desperation. I vote The 9. If you need Lost to help you out, you’re barking up the wrong tree because Lost is D-U-N.

Bill O'Reilly Wrong, Earth Still Spins

Actually Bill, you're wrong. We liked our choices just fine, just not the ones you did. Nice ploy to try and keep people home though. You sure are a crafty bastard, I'll give you that.

A Pretentious Website By Any Other Name Is Still A Pretentious Website

Freud Communications, the public relations firm that handles entertainment and media brands such as Elle Magazine, A & E Television, and Sony Pictures has been checking out my blog. With the raging success of Kneecapped I’ve been seeking representation, and Freud certainly fits the high profile I deserve and require. Plus they’re fans, yesterday they visited my site for 12 minutes. Well I thought they were fans until I found out whom else they work for.

Freud represents a certain "Privileged Lifestyle" internet channel, the former Code.TV, who changed its name last week partly because of me, although it probably had a lot more to do with the outcry of blogs that are read by more than 7 people per day. The point is, Freud is searching the blogosphere for negative feedback on LX.TV, the new name for Code.

LX is “Life/Style Television” because, well, we need more lifestyle information, what with only dozens of channels and magazines covering lifestyle it’s a wonder that people can even dress themselves in the morning. So here's your chance if you want to be read by a public relations giant, say something bad about LX.TV. For example, LX.TV is like Current TV if Current TV had been founded by a character in a Bret Easton Ellis novel. Shallow doesn't begin to describe it.

I'm Back, Baby!

I was out last week so sorry for the lack of posts. I was at my parent’s house and it was just too painful to use their dial-up internet connection so I decided to screw it. It’s good to see that while I was away you've moved on to other things. According to sitemeter my readership shrunk from an average of 23 hits per day to 7 hits per day. The DLA hasn't even visited my site since Friday, and when the good folks at the DLA stop reading you know you're fucked. You did what you had to do, I understand, and I'm not angry, but this behavior stops now! I'm back, bad, and I'm waiting for you to return with open arms.

Since I'm not really up on the happenings on this here internets please allow me to re-immerse myself into its cleansing waters. I'll be ready soon enough to bowl you over with my witty banter. Your wait will be brief; a full week of hilarity is on the horizon. Brace yourself.