Jury Appreci-fucking-ation Day

We live in a great country with an amazing legal system. Our founding beliefs that everyone is created equal goes hand in hand with a legal system that grants you the right to a fair trial in front of a jury of your peers. Jurors are a cross section of our nation’s economic, ethnic, and religious groups. Each juror’s opinion matters and has influence on the system. When you finish a case the judge thanks you for performing your civic duty, and you go home fulfilled. No juror is more important than the next.

Ha ha, fooled you! If that were at all true then we wouldn't have JURY APPRECIATION DAY!!! (page 4) What is this disgusting display of glad-handing and celebrity worship known as Jury Appreciation Day you ask? It’s the Justice Department's turn to hang with celebs and bask in their glow. It's the Justice Department's chance to give praise to the celebrities that didn’t use their P.R. rep or lawyers to get them out of jury duty that year. And it’s the Justice Department's opportunity to finally give these celebs the proper "thank you" they deserve for giving their valuable and famous time to the belittling, un-hip, and peasant-like service of jury duty.

Fuck you all.

I’m still waiting for my invitation to the Jury Appreciation Day gala. Yes, I was on jury duty this year. You may have read about my trial, as it made the cover of the NY Post. That’s what happens when defendants stab their lawyer in the neck and make a break for the bailiff’s gun, stabbing him as well, all this about 20 feet away from the jury. Yeah, that shit makes the cover of the Post.

The whole jury was shaken (well not me). One woman had a borderline nervous breakdown and could barely make it back into court for it to be declared a mistrial. This was three days after the escape attempt and she was still bawling. The woman was basically traumatized, but I bet she didn’t get the chance to hang with Bobby D and Regis yesterday.

Maybe they should have Bailiff Appreciation Day? For the brave bailiff who held off the prisoner despite being stabbed and injuring his knee but did not surrender his gun.

Or how about a Whoever's Job It Is To Frisk Prisoners Before They Go Into Court Appreciation Day, so they’ll have a little added motivation to do their fucking jobs.

But this won’t happen because none of these people were in Taxi Driver and none of them host a dopey daytime talk show.

Jury Appreciation Day needs to stop. Tax money probably pays for the fucking thing, why is this necessary? Am I going to take jury duty more seriously because Paula Fucking Zahn’s ass is kissed for doing so?