God I Love the 80s and F You VH1 for Making That Annoying

Troll 2

Here's a clip from one of the worst movies of all time. But if it was so bad then why have I seen it about 5 or 6 times? Oh right, HBO.

Bud Collins is a Crazy Nut - A Tennis Story

Bud Collins is a nut. A brilliant writer, a great promoter of tennis, but he is loony. From the outfits to the bizarre columns and obscure references over the years, Bud is a must read during any grand slam tournament. This year, in his first US Open column of the season he does not disappoint. Here’s a line from his latest column praising Billie Jean King and the re-naming of the US Tennis Association National Tennis Center in her honor (and rightfully so):

“The plot, since breaking new ground for the game in 1978, was called the US Tennis Association National Tennis Center. Goodbye to that bland name, and welcome to BJ's ballpark.”

“BJ’s Ballpark” is probably not a nickname best suited for one of the leading feminist and gay right activists of our time. Naturally, Bud is oblivious to this. Or maybe he isn't, and if so, more power to him.

Billie Jean spoke at my College Graduation and gave a distracted speech (the giant inflatable penis, rampant drug and alcohol use, and constant screaming probably contributed. Got to love state universities) but it was entertaining as I vaguely remember. She even hit a few tennis balls into the crowd. It was only after watching her documentary on HBO that I truly realized how important she was. So good job Billie Jean and good job Bud Collins, you both help keep tennis interesting.

Boring Columnist Lectures Commuters

Thanks to Open Eyed Sneeze for the kind comments on my last post. I was thinking about that beer pong post before I went to bed last night, wondering how most people who read it probably think I’m a recent college grad killing time before I start my real job, sewing my royal oats if you will. No, that’s not the case. I’m 28, have a job, an apartment, a wife even. Is it sad that I’ll still play a game of beer pong on special occasions? Definitely not.

Then I read today’s Metro and it made me reassess my life choices, mainly drinking alcohol. Then after about 2 seconds of assessment I said, "screw it, why stop now." I’m glad the author is so comfortable in her own skin, I just hope she doesn’t push for prohibition because these days all it takes is one whiney bitch to ruin it for the rest of us (i.e. Bloomberg, Smoking).

For example, the Milwaukee Brewers mascot, Bernie the Brewer, can’t even slide into a beer mug after a Brewers’ home run. Check the before and after photos on the left and note the lack of a beer mug in the second photo. They’re the fucking Brewers for Christsake!

This overly sensitive bullshit is slowly strangling the joy out of living in this county. Maybe Felice Cohen would be happy if we were all lobotomized walking corpses smiling our way through our insignificant lives. Maybe I would like to have a beer. I'm sick of everyone sanitizing every-tiny-little-thing-we-do-so-we-don't-hurt-any-ones-feelings-and-won't-someone-please-think-of-the-children-I-don't-like-it-so-you-shouldn't-be-allowed-to-do-it-either thing out there. I didn't move to the suburbs for a reason. It's nonsense. Idiocy. Totalitarian.

And not to nitpick, but there aren’t any doctors, drunk or sober, to find a cure for Parkinson’s. That's just a stupid comparison.

Mysteries of Human Biology - Beer Pong Edition

The human body is capable of amazing things when pushed to the limit. Stories of women getting the strength to lift automobiles off there trapped husbands, or the incredible man who cut off his arm with a Swiss army knife to avoid certain death, exemplify the will humans have to survive and succeed. On Friday night I too encountered this will. I won 20 games of beer-pong in a row.

What started out as an innocent and chilly night in Maine quickly morphed into a beer-pong tour de force not seen since the winter of 2000. Now six years older and far removed from my beer-pong playing peak I was touched by greatness once again, this time reaching heights I dared not dream. Winning 20 games in a row.

By win number fifteen I had lost the ability to speak full, intelligible, and lucid sentences, relying mostly on grunts and high-fives to get my point across. Trash talk was out of the question, but when you’re on a winning streak like this one, your shot does all the talking. It was clear that my brain was cutting off my oral capacities and re-routing that energy into my right arm while still saving a little leftover for vision.

By the end of the night my shirt was soaked with beer, my hands were pruned from repeatedly cleaning the ping-pong ball, and we were one cup away from immortality. I squinted hard focusing on the red plastic cup a mere 12 feet away and with a flick of the elbow released my final shot of the night. It flew through the air in a perfect arc heading directly into the middle of the cup, finally landing silently on beer foam. Victory.

There were only 12 or so people there to witness the feat, but in time that number will grow. Everyone will claim to be present on that crisp, late summer, Maine night when the unthinkable happened. The human body is truly amazing.

This is How We Slum It

Slumming It. Once a proud phrase describing those daring, radical, rich, and affluent members of our society willing to go against the grain and live amongst the lowly, yet surprisingly hip and trendy commoners. They smoked and drank in Harlem during the jazz age. In the 70s and 80s they blew coke with the artists in SoHo. Finally, they drank Pabst in the Lower East Side of the 90s and early 2000s. But for anyone who’s eaten at Schiller’s or fought through the Friday night Ludlow Street crowds the days of the LES as slum are over, with this soon to be opened gym as the death knell. Brooklyn looks to fill this new void, but can you still "slum it" in Manhattan? Being both rich and affluent, last Friday I decided to give it a try.

I started after a late day at work by heading to The Blarney Stone, 32nd Street, Herald Square. When you walk into this long dimly lit bar the first thing you notice is the humidity, the next is the smell. It’s not a bad smell but combined with the humid air makes for a unique odor. The reason for this are the steam trays that keep the food at the lunch station (luke) warm. Meats, gravies, sandwiches, mac n’ cheese served on cafeteria style trays that you carry to your table or to the bar. But I didn’t come here to eat, that comes later, I came here to drink and with the size of the bar you always can find a place to sit. Pints of Bud and Bud Light are $4.00 and the top rate bartenders buy back every 4th beer. Yes, this is a bar for drinkers. From a trendy and hip standpoint the bar ranks low, so now’s your chance to get in on the ground floor.

After my free 4th beer I headed out to meet my wife. She was walking down form 51st & 8th, so I said I’d get together with her on 8th Ave and go for a drink wherever we happened to meet. This couldn’t have worked out any better. We met at Port Authority (Yes, I walk fast) and went into McAnn's. McAnn's is actually a bar that I know well from my time living in Weehawken (a slumming it column of it’s own) and the time I came down for New Year’s in a blizzard and was stranded in POA for a good 4 hours. That particular night lead to a stay at the Plaza, but that too is another story.

When it comes to seediness Port Authority cannot be beat, and McAnn’s holds that torch proudly. This bar also features cheap Bud and Bud Lights as well as bright lighting and no hipsters. It’s more of a bridge and tunnel crowd, or more accurately, a tunnel crowd. Potential hip-ness is an absolute zero, but in this ironic age isn’t a zero really a 6? The highest rating any hipster could possibly give something.

It was after another three Bud drafts that I realized I probably should have eaten some mac n’ cheese at the Blarney Stone and we headed out to find some food. We could’ve walked west to Hell’s Kitchen, but if your slumming it from Port Authority you walk due east into the belly of the beast, Time Square.

Where to go to put an exclamation point on this night of slumming? Franchise restaurants. Franchise restaurants depress me, although I do have a soft spot for them, and are a perfect way to end the night. ESPN Zone, too classy. Olive Garden, too many bread sticks. TGIFriday’s, too much flair. No, instead we went to TGIFriday’s ugly little step daughter, Applebee’s. Needless to say, my wife was thrilled.

I ordered the Ribblets & French Fries basket for $13.50 and a Pepsi. My wife ordered water. The Ribblets, I’m not afraid to say, were fucking delicious. Plus, Ribblets help to promote good health. The place was jumping, the wait staff were teriffic and it’s a great place to pretend you’re one of the common folk. More importantly I felt like I belonged to a community. I felt like I was sitting in my very own neighborhood restaurant, the Applebee’s on Dekalb and Flatbush. Catch the trend before Applebee’s becomes too popular (we were seated next to Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal.) Before you know it they’ll be everywhere, maybe even on Ludlow.

The Ricky Gervais Show Is Back...Obviously

The greatest internet revelation of all time has returned with season 3, of the Ricky Gervais Show.

People Who Look Like People - John Mark Karr Edition

When I first saw pictures of creepy John Mark Karr I couldn't help but think I'd seen him before. Dead eyes, blank, lifeless, childlike expression (could come in handy for a guy like JMK), thinning hair, frail, meek body. Where had I seen these before? That's when it hit me. Time for another installment of "People Who Look Like People"

JMK looks like a gaunter, sweatier, slightly hairier, and pedophilier version of Karl Pilkington, the funniest man in England today and an absolute IDD-YOT.

No? Time to come clean, I'm not very good at this game.



What if I told you he reminded me of...

This really isn't fair to Fred Rogers (who I think is an icon), but JMK could be a younger, pedofilier, sweaterless, Mr. Rogers. They both liked kids, both were teachers, both talk(ed) a lot of make-believe? Huh, huh, get it? Will his story check out? Is JMK telling the truth? Eh, pretty good eh?

No. Really? Then I apologize.




I guess John Mark Karr doesn't look like anyone else. Unless, he's the sweaty man-love child of David Duke and Jeffery Dahmer? I heard Duke played catcher.


If you're still reading and want to read some blog commentary of John Mark Karr that's actually funny go here.

The Daily Dump stole the John Mark Karr media circus. He took the coverage and ran it into the end zone of high comedy. It's hilarious and you should check it out.

Dead Team Walking

The Red Sox were just swept in a five game series by the Yankees. I only have this to say:
Coco Crisp sucks
Josh Beckett sucks
John Lester sucks
Manny Delcarmen sucks
Craig Hansen sucks
Wily Mo Pena sucks
Rudy Seanz sucks
Javy Lopez sucks
Mike Timlin sucks
Keith Foulke sucks
Doug Mirabeli sucks
Alex Cora really sucks
Theo Epstein - The Honeymoon is over

Pedro Martinez, he was pretty good, probably shouldn't have let him walk. Johnny Damon, he was pretty good probably shouldn't have let him walk. Orlando Cabrera, was pretty good too. Why wouldn't you want to go battle the Yankees one more time with these guys? The Sox are done. Now time for a McGinest/Vinatieri-less Pats season. Why can't we keep any of my favorite players. I'm through with sports. I shouldn't be upset because both these teams won the whole thing recently, but isn't that what makes sports fun, complaining. If you don't have that then why follow?

Is Monty Biesel the Coco Crisp of the Patriots or the other way around?

Golfers Are Not Elite Athletes

My jaw hit the floor today as I was perusing ESPN.com. Gene Wojciechowski’s latest column claims that Tiger Woods is the greatest individual athlete of all time. Not just the greatest golfer, the greatest athlete. Why, because Woods just polished off the field for his 12th major championship. To start, this column is classic ESPN instant history. If Woods goes into another mini-slump in the next few years you’ll once again be reading the “Tiger Woods Isn’t As Good As He Used To Be” columns Skip Bayless regurgitates all too often. And to be fair Gene knows he’s making a controversial statement and is putting himself out on a limb.

More disturbing than Wojo’s column, however, is how the ESPN.com readers voted Woods as the 2nd greatest athlete of all-time after Michael Jordan. I hate to be this guy, but golf my friends is not an elite sport. Golf, the game itself, does not allow golfers the chance to prove how great of an athlete they truly are. It’s just not what golf is about. It doesn’t challenge the player like other professional sports. This is why I would rank every baseball, basketball, football, tennis, hockey, soccer, track and field, and boxing Hall Of Famer ahead of Tiger Woods, because simply, golf is not as difficult as these sports. I’m sorry to say.

Baseball: Some people look at Babe Ruth and say to themselves “I’m in better shape than this guy” and they’d be right, but hitting a baseball that curves, moves, and travels at speeds of 90+ MPH, while fans scream at you to fail is much, much harder than hitting a golf ball propped up on a tee, motionless, with absolute silence.

Basketball: Simply put, there is no defense in golf. All these other sports pit you against other athletes just as good as you, working to stop you. Michael Jordan played in the greatest era of NBA basketball, and still no one could stop him. Magic, Bird, and Chamberlain could not be stopped whether they had one man guarding them or three.

Tennis: “But golf is mental, you play against yourself, blah, blah, blah.” Well, what about tennis? Tennis players are some of the most conditioned athletes in the world. They play mind games with their opponent and themselves for 3-4 hours while running and swinging mightily. And they have no coaching to help them through the tough times. If you're so impressed with Tiger Woods, take a look at what Roger Federer is doing in tennis. Golf is a mentally challenging game, no question, but you have a caddy who not only carries your bag, but offers advice and encouragement. Make golfers carry their own bag and hit the links on their own, then come tell me about how mentally challenging it is.

I won’t insult football players, hockey players and boxers by comparing the physical nature of these sports with golf, but I think it’s fairly evident. The thought of comparing what a quarterback or linebacker does in the athletic sense to a golfer is laughable.

The reason golf is a popular sport, especially in the upper class and in business circles is because you don’t sweat too much, you can drink alcohol while you play, and you can smoke cigars while you play. Other sports where this is true: croquet, Pro Kadima, hacky-sack, bocce, darts, lawn darts, beer pong, bowling, cards, and horseshoes. Not exactly the most athletic of activities, but they make for one hell of a summer afternoon.

This begs the question, why then does Tiger Woods get more respect at being a great athlete than he deserves? And why does the fan vote support him as well? The obvious answer is that Woods is amazing, charismatic (though not to me) and the greatest golfer of all time, and people like to be associated with greatness. But this doesn’t answer the question completely.

It’s because we can relate with golfers more than most athletes because we play the game and for the most part suck at it. Golf is an expensive, but easy game to play. Grab a partner drive to a course, tee off. Much easier to do later in life than say call up 17 of your closest friends and play nine innings of baseball. And much easier on aging limbs than touch football, tennis, or basketball. We play it and thus respect the athleticism more than we should.

So Gene, you can have Tiger Woods. I'll take Jim Brown or MJ or Ali and mop the floor with you. Tiger is great, but to rank him as the greatest athlete of all time is utter nonsense.

I Need a 12 Step Program

I've gone blog crazy. It's not that I post a lot (though I’m trying for daily posts) it takes too much time. No, I like creating new blogs and then think of better names and templates . It's becoming an issue. Just in case you look at my profile and the seven blogs listed here’s an explanation.

“Kneecapped” will remain my flagship blog. It's loyal readership of one (me) is sure to be excited (hooray!).

While I would love to delete “I Also Have An Opinion” it took my bloginity and I’m attached to it. Plus it features some of the worst concert photography of all time and it’s always good to check out for a laugh. My drunken Go! Team concert photos are a perfect example of technology in the wrong hands. And yes, I work in television where things like “framing” and “focus” are pretty important. My friend didn’t like the passive title “I Also Have An Opinion” and so “Kneecapped” was born. When I told my friend he said “Wow, that's pretty aggressive, the only thing worse is being “curbed” you could have named it that.” That’s when I remembered that there was a pretty important blog titled “Curbed” and my “Kneecapped” title lost all its luster.

And that lead to… Bars & Tone and Bars & Tone Deaf. I like these titles because I love bars and I work in TV. Seemed like a natural match. But there are enough blogs that write about how much they drink (and are much more talented than I am) and I wanted freedom outside of that realm. The names were available so I said “what the heck.” But it’s not like you need your blog title to match your URL.

The last are my Contemptster blogs. I accidentally created 3 different ones, but that was a blogger.com issue. It kept saying the names were taken, but then all three showed up in my dashboard. This is a project I’m currently working on.

So that's that. Time to go get wicked wasted and the BAAAAH...and Tone.

Yuppie Battleground Report - Outdoor Seating

I haven't posted in the last few days and to my surprise the world is still turning. However, the overwhelming demand for another post reached its apex. So here we go with the latest Yuppie Battleground Report.

I went to an outdoor bar (not GYC) last night to enjoy a few post-work beverages. As with every place in New York these days the bar was packed with people and seating was in hot demand. Most people at this particular bar share the many large and small picnic style tables, “most people” being the operative term. This one gentleman decided to keep an entire table to himself while “saving” it for his late or perhaps non-existent friends.

“Hi can we sit here?” he was kindly asked.

“Ah, no sorry I’m saving it for my friends. They’ll be here soon,” he replied.

“Are you saving the entire table?” he was asked, this time more firmly.

“Yeah, sorry my friends are on their way and we’ll need the whole table. One is actually inside getting drinks. You know how long the line takes," he explained.

“Yes we’re familiar with the line we come here all the time. But do you really need the whole table?” he said, frustration setting in.

“Yeah, we do. Sorry”

After the couple was relegated to a much smaller table the friend with the drinks did come back to the table. Now it was just two people using a large table, mildly more acceptable.

Over the next 15 minutes or so the two of them proceeded to turn away other requests to share their table, finally giving in to their rudeness by allowing a pregnant woman and her friend to sit at the very edge. How noble of them.

Yes it is true their friends did eventually decided to show up, and it’s also true that it was I who was fetching the drinks from the shamefully slow line, and yes that was my friend rejecting request after request like an Ivy League admissions officer. But when you get a table in this city you need to guard it to the end no matter how much of a dick you feel like. Sorry, but that’s life in the Yuppie Battleground. This may be why “yuppie scum” is such a fun phrase to utter, no matter how hypocritical.

XXXSexySinglesXXX Marks the Spot

AOL is just plain sick and tired of Davis Hawke's failure to pay a lawsuit judgment of $12 million so they're digging up his parent’s property in search of gold and platinum bullion. You read that correctly. Next week, AOL plans to go through his parents couch cushions and junk drawers. It all seems petty to me, AOL being a multi-billion dollar corporation bothering the innocent parents of a son gone astray. That is until I found out why Hawke owes them the money, he's an email spammer, and only the worst and most depraved parents would raise such a home-mortgage-pushing, penile-enlargement-loving, free-ipod-sweepstakes-promoting fuckhead.

Update:

Check out the comment below. That popped up 3 seconds after I posted. Must have been the "xxx" in the title. Those spam fuckers are wiley.

Nicole Richie Plays Dress up

Not to get all Superficial on you, and I don't mean to steal The Assimilated Negro's thunder, but the optical illusion in this photo cracked me up. Doesn't she look like a 6 year-old trying on her mom's high heels?
One quick side note: I don't think this has been discussed enough, how in the world did Lionel Richie's daughter become so famous? One minute our country is reeling in post 9/11 depression and working towards an inevitable war with Iraq, and the next thing you know Paris Hilton releases a sex tape, Nicole Richie leaves rehab, and they appear together on Simple Life. This was a watershed moment. Malcolm Gladwell shoud site this in his next book, because it's been a non-stop parade of vapid celebrities and gossip since. Simple Life turned to Newlyweds and Newlyweds spun into The Ashley Simpson Show which ran alongside Laguna Beach which spun off into The Hills. Each show launching a no talent but slutty star who would become a gossip page mainstay. This all happened around the same time Star and US Weekly went glossy, encouraging normal self-respecting people to buy their rags. Now, we live in a world were a gossip columnist, Perez Hilton, is a celebrity. And, everyone is okay with this? Really?

Iran Gets Snarky

Watch out Gawker, there's a new boy on the blogging block and like bad boy pioneer Mel Gibson, he's not afraid to spew a little anti-Semitism. That's right Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has a blog. His feature “Ahadinejad Stalker” is hilarious as posters leak the whereabouts of infidels and citizens still loyal to the Shah to the secret police.


Thanks to The Rachel Maddow Show for pointing this out to me.

*Update* DON'T click on the Amadinejad link at work, it directs you to a gang bang porn site. Just kidding, but it doesn't seem to be working...

*Update 2* The link now seems to be working if you go to the Rachel Maddow site, he has an RSS feed. I'll be dropping that baby into Bloglines.

The Zoo is on Our Side of the Bars - The Bronx Edition

Bear with me, I'm going to be a bit of a dick for a minute.

I went to The Bronx Zoo today and nothing stokes my hatred of the masses more than a large weekend crowd, especially when 99.7% are pushing oversized strollers. Now, if there's anyplace that should be chockfull of strollers it's the zoo, it's a great activity for the family, but people the doorways of the world are no place to park your fucking Bugaboo. I know they look cool and I know everyone was fighting to buy it off your baby shower registry, but the world does not stop because you need to speak slowly and in an educational tone to your child. The sound of a father talking in that voice makes my skin crawl.

Also, have you noticed that every last mutherfucker out there is an amateur photographer? Digital photography and Photoshop has every asshole with disposable income thinking they're Ansel Adams. This one douche bag was dressed like he was working for National Geographic shooting pictures of Gwyneth Paltrow in the Kalahari instead of a sleeping tiger through a Plexiglas wall in The Bronx. Oversized backpack to get in everyone's way? Check. 12 inch telescopic lens? Check. Water bottle strategically strapped to backpack in case of sudden drought? Check. Fannypack to prove you're a tourist? You betcha! The width of this guy from backpack to lens was wide enough to stop most NHL penalty shots without moving. But did he realize this? Of course not. He was spinning and turning and backing up and stopping short just to be sure to smack everyone in a 20 foot radius in the face with his bag.

And then there was this one middle aged balding man and his video camera. I think he was alone which immediately caught my attention. There’s nothing quite like a middle-age loner hanging out at the zoo to make you check the amber alert when you get home. Everywhere I stood he would come up right next to me and video tape whatever sleeping animal I was looking at, riveting. (Or as The Bronx Zoo gift shop advertising would say "ribbiting".) I for one would love to get the dailies back from this little shoot. The five minutes he spent filming the tapir's ass is sure to be a tour de force. What I would give to be a fly on the wall when he plays this video to some poor schmucks at a dinner party, “Guess what everybody, I went to the zoo today…and I tape every last second. Let’s watch! Dear, get the lights.”

The lessons are of course are a) don't do anything in New York on the weekends, period. We’re talking lines that would make a communist dictator drool. (b) Unless you're a professional photographer, creepy stalker, or confined to a wheel chair in your apartment, leave the telescopic lens at home. We're all impressed with your little hobby, but let's keep things under control shall we? And (c) birth control, though condemned by the Church, is a good thing and we shouldn’t be afraid to keep using it for as long as possible.

Other than that, The Bronx Zoo is awesome and you should all check it out if you haven't, seriously.

Who Knew Bill O'Reilly and Fox News Loved Joe Lieberman So Much

Is it worth rebutting Bill O'Reilly's Talking Points? Probably not, but he's just such a mindfucker that sometimes you just need to get put your thoughts into words...even if no one reads them. Fox News squeezed a tear out today. Their champion and hero lost his primary, Senator Joe Lieberman. Excuse me? Since when has Fox News shed positive light on a member of the Democratic Party? Apparently, a popular election isn't good enough for the Fox propaganda machine.

Joe Lieberman voted for the Iraq war, a war that America was conned into, a war that angers most Americans, a war that was unnecessary, a war that tarnished the reputation of a great American patriot, Colin Powell, a war that, well you know, you don't need to hear it from me.

Regardless, Lieberman lost a primary and a referendum on the Iraq War. Is that so wrong? Is this not a democracy? Not to the folks at Fox News. To them it wasn't a state and a populace voicing their opinion, to Fox it's a chance to bash popular opinion. O'Reilly "quotes" The Daily Kos as being anti-Semitic, because some ignorant commenter, not a contributor made a stupid remark. If there's anything we know here in the blogosphere it's that "global village idiots" run amok. O'Reilly uses far left blogs as reliable sources of information. Manipulating blogs and bloggers most people dismiss as hate mongers and nuisances, in order to sway his moldable audience of narrow-minded sheep.

(More ranting: If the left had to regulate every comment from every asshole on the web, it would take sometime. And I'm sure that no Republican site have every uttered a racists word. And I'm sure that the web is free of right-wingers that say controversial and offensive things. I'm sure if you googled "white+supremisist+blog" nothing will show up. Hell check out the user comments on Hot Air, Michelle Malkin's righty Rocketboom wanabe comedic vlog vechicle. Or her sponsor Those Shirts that produce T-Shirts make light of the civil rights movement.)

When Bush wins under dubious circumstances, to Fox News, it democracy in motion, but when Connecticut stands up and mobilizes for a candidate who opposes the war, Fox battens down the hatches and attacks, attacks, attacks. What they're trying to do is obvious to anyone with an opposable thumb, they're trying to split the Democratic vote. They trying to elect a Republican. It's despicable, sad, and reminds me of Soviet and Maoist propaganda.

O'Reilly is a genius at pushing buttons and he treats these far left blogs like they're hard news, but to suggest that they are taking over America is Wrong. Americans know the war was/is a mistake and now it's Accountability Time. Stand up and take it like a man, Bill. Yesterday's primary was a huge victory. It's a victory that will help move this country out from under the dark clouds of the Bush White House and corrupt do nothing congress of fear inducing drones. It's Carl Rove's worst nightmare to have a candiate with the exact opposite platfor of the president winning elections, get ready for the mud to sling. I'm hopeful that one day America will realize what Fox is doing and we'll act with our ballots and prove to them that their influence is no longer wanted or needed.

It's that or an all out war against the Muslim World. Think of the rebuilding contracts after that sucker!

If Lieberman’s allows his hubris to help elect a Republican and continue the status quo into the toilette shame on him. What a way for an “elected” vice president to end his political career.

Bill Simmons - The McCarver Code

In today's column, Bill Simmons of ESPN.com's Page 2 wrote:

"My bosses won't allow me to say which six announcers I would deport to Eastern Europe, but here are their initials jumbled together backwards: WBMABCMJMTBJ."

Here's where I got deciphering the McCarver Code:

JB: Joe Buck
TM: Tim McCarver (Those two are gimmies)
JM: Not sure, maybe it should have been JN for Jim Nantz? Oh wait Joe Morgan?
CB: I say Chris Berman
AM: Al Michaels? I thought the Sports Guy loved the Al Michaels, so this could be wrong.
BW: No idea. Bernie Williams? Brian Williams?

And no Billy Packer? Shocking.

I need help, deadspin, you're my only hope. Can you help a brother out? Anyone?

UPDATE:

Deadspin did post the answers, but I found it on AwfulAnnouncing who got their info from Deadspin and I actually can't find it on the Deadspin site, so I'm going with AwfulAnnoucers, get it? (No. Read it again, and try to channel your inner the run-on sentence reader.)

#Answers Joe Buck, Tim McCarver, Joe Morgan, Chris Berman, Al Michaels and Bill Walton. I didn't get Walton and that's HORRIBLE, but 5 out of six ain't bad.

Now let's tally it up

ESPN/ABC (and Bill Simmons employer): 4 (Morgan, Walton, Berman & Al Michaels)
I'm including Al Michael because although he moved to NBC (I believe for Sunday night?) he spent his entire career with ABC. I'd be willing to bet that had Al Michael never a) Lasted much too long on Monday Night and b) if it wasn't for his deplorable NBA annoucing, especally during a 7 games series where he maybe got excited once, he would have avoided the list.

Of course Deadspin/AwfulAnnoucers could be wrong.

Fox: 2 (Buck, McCarver)
The Ruth/Gehrig of bad announcers

I guess that's it, two networks.

Thoughts While Counting Down the Minutes Until DOG the Bounty Hunter Finally Gets Married

• If I had to spend an enternity on a deserted island with one other person and my worst enemy can decide who that one person is, but I get to name one person who can't live with me on the island, that person would be Dog The Bounty Hunter, him or that dude from Clublife.

• Dr. Octagon (Kool Keith) is playing Bowery Ballroom on 9/9 & 9/10 with Mr. Lif & Beans. Mark your calendar.

• The New York Magazine article on Hank Ratner's Brooklyn development project is a great read and as a new investor in the area after reading it I still have know idea what to think.

• HELLS KITCHEN IS DOWN TO TWO CONTESTANTS!!! The show no one cares about concludes next week with absolutly no buzz whatsoever. Just how I like it.

• This Daft Punk Electrom Teaser is kinda old by blog standards, but still amazing

• Special thanks to LoggedHours and High Class Jackass for their not-as-snarky-as-they-could-have-been comments to my previous post.

• Just for the heck of it another photo:

A Conversation

You know all these blog entries where the writer has a confrontation with somebody and they re-cap it word-for-word? The blogger always has the perfect comeback and always wins the day. I hate these blog entries. They're jutter utter bullshit. Clublife is the biggest offender. This guy sounds like the biggest blowhard going, surprising because most bouncers are so fantastic. But there are others . And even blogs I like get into the act sometimes. Guess that's the point of blogging to write about the day’s events and encounters, but no one speaks like they’re straight out of a Tarantino film, I’m sorry. Anyway, on a completely different subject I had a confrontation today. I was walking to the subway and some dude wearing aviator sunglasses started frontin'.

"Yo, what are you lookin' at," Douche Bag with Shades says.

"I dunno Tom Cruise with narcolepsy" I said

"Yo you want to throw down?" Douchey says

"The only thing you're going to throw down is a French Slam at Denny's you fat fuck maybe you should cut down on the diabetes, fucktard. Don’t want you to lose a limb, you may eat it"

After that he just kind of slunk away mumbling to himself wondering how I got the better of him, it was awesome. I'm awesome.

50% of Americans are Irrational, Arrogant - Study

This story popped up on the wire today. Despite a jaw-droppingly expensive $900 million investigation to the contrary, half of Americans think Iraq had WMDs. Many blame talk radio for molding this inane and incorrect opinion. Talk radio has never seen a statistic or story it couldn't distort into ratings.

No, somewhere along the line we stopped thinking for ourselves. It’s much easier to have some TV or radio personality think for you. But when you have proof and still can't admit you're wrong, well that’s just plain arrogance and pundits can’t teach that.

I blame our impotent public schools that don't encourage people to think for themselves. Of course, if teachers did teach kids to think and argue and question, they'd get the wrath of O'Reilly who loves to go after the teachers who dare to stimulate debate.

Of course, strong teachers would hurt sales of his shudder-inducing book.

But O'Reilly isn't all bad; his viewership is the problem. If Bill says black is white and up is down, then perhaps another $900 million study will return with even more perplexing results.