Fake Baseball Bets #12: Bull Sh!t

Home teams should win games that go to extra innings. Home teams should win games they are leading 3 - 0 after 8 innings. Brain Fuentes, despite his league leading 13 saves, should not be a major league closer. I should be 120 fake dollars richer. These things did not happen last night and the Mariners won the game 4 - 3 in 10 innings. Fuentes's futility chipped 100 capps from our winnings, dropping us to +150 after 13 wagers.

Today we're taking the home-dog Giants at +150 against the Cards. 100 capps on San Fran.

Fake Baseball Bets #11: Something Smells Fishy

Last night we went to a seafood restaurant with our wife, Jodi.  We shared a dozen oysters, she got a lobster roll and glass of white wine, and we had the flounder fish tacos and two Victory Pilsners (not at once).  The lobster roll was "Market Price" so we figured 25 - 35 dollars for the roll.   However, this restaurant is known for their delicious lobster rolls and is parked right in the West Village so any price could have been expected.  When we got our bill it came to 133 dollars, $60 of which accounted for the lobster roll.  We laughed in disbelief, shook our heads, talked about how this dinner was more expensive than our recent anniversary meal, paid the bill, and left.  Shit we thought, New York Fucking City.  

A few steps out the door Jodi says she saw our neighbors bill, a table that ordered two lobster rolls, and that their bill was less than ours. We thought for a minute. They must have charged us for two lobster rolls.  After some time inside Jodi sorted it all out, but we almost just took the damage. Stupid on our part. We should have questioned the price once we got the bill, but though it didn't seem reasonable it also didn't seem like it was out of the realm of possibility.  What does this have to do with Fake Baseball Betting?  It wasn't the only time we overpaid for fish last night.  

The Marlins put up a good struggle, snapped a few steel lines, shook some lures free, but in the end they were caught, stuffed, and mounted on Citi Field's dugout wall.  The crushing blow came on a Santos Al Halper single in the 11th inning.  This sinks our season total +250 capps after 12 wagers.  Still very respectable.  You can buy a little over four $60 lobster rolls with that kind of money! 

Today we're throwing 100 on the home-dog Angels against King Felix and the M's at +120

Fake Baseball Bets #10: Somebody Stop Me!

With topical nineties pop culture references as post headers the last two days it's a wonder more people don't read this blog. Before you know it we'll be writing "What Is The Deal With Danny Haren?" headlines and Hoop will come barreling through the door looking for his Cubans. But in the meantime, don't have a cow, and certainly don't steal my sunshine because we are on a three game winning streak.

The O's won again last night and are playing their best baseball since Brady Anderson patrolled the outfield causing Baltimore women to swoon with is perfectly shaved side-burns and perfectly steroid (maybe) sculpted chest. The win upped our kitty 120 capps leaving us +350 after 11 wagers.

While awake at 5 o'clock this morning we glanced at the pitching form and wanted to place a bet on Lilly and the home-dog Cubbies. However the game is currently scoreless the 6th inning. Instead we'll lay 100 of our hard-gotten gains on the Marlins at +200 against Pelfrey and the Mets. The only other home-dog on the board was Toronto playing against our Sox so we're going for the big payday with Florida.

Fake Baseball Bets #9: We Ain't Going Nowhere We Ain't Going No Where We Can't Be Stopped

...Because it's Bad Boy for life! What, Puff Daddy's the greatest, maybe second greatest rapper of all time? I digress. I'm cranking the late 1990's early 2K shit-hop because we are on what is known in betting circles as a "winning streak." I'll tell you what, the sky maybe overcast this morning but every stratus cloud glistens with sliver. 

The Giants pulled off the win last night on the long, lanky arm of Randy Johnson earning Johnson his 299th career win. This was our personal favorite. The victory earned us 130 bringing the season total after ten wagers to +230 capps. We wish this were real money although if it were we would have quit last week when we were down 230. Gambling is a mercurial mistress.

It's a light Major League schedule today (see pitching form below). 100 capps on the Orioles to continue their winning ways as home underdogs against the Tigers at +120. 

Fake Baseball Bets #8: Back in Black

Back in black /I hit the sack / I've been too long I'm glad to be back / Yes, I'm let loose / From the noose / That's kept me hanging about / I've been looking at the sky / 'Cause it's gettin' me high / Forget the hearse 'cause I never die/ I got nine lives / Cat's eyes/Abusin' every one of them and running wild

- AC/DC

To quote our favorite ESPN personality Stu Scott, "BOOYA!" We are back in the black baby. Thanks to my main man Micah "Payings" Owings, the Reds won last night lifting us out of our hole at +80 capps. Actually, Owings didn't win the game, but we're on such a high right now who cares?

Today we're placing 100 on the Big Unit and the Giants as home underdogs against the Braves. This bet is going of at+130.

I've really enjoyed the Randy Johnson era. Hated him when he faced the Sox, but he and Mr. Snappy have put on quite a show for 22 seasons. My favorite moment was Johnson throwing over Larry Walker's head in the 1997 All-Star game, followed by a wry smile and wink. Walker then flipped his helmet around to bat right handed eventually striking out on 4 pitches. I couldn't find a video of this (what's the deal YouTubers?) so I've settled for another bizzare Johnson moment.

Reminds me of the recent Red Bull air race:

Fake Baseball Bets #7: Back in the Swing

Mechanically we're fine. Cranking the long ball in BP. Hitting the ball hard, but right at people. This slump is going to break we just know it. We knocked one dinger to make it respectable. We are the David Ortiz of fake baseball gambling. 

After taking Memorial Day weekend off from placing any fake wagers, and after reflecting on our recent win (taking the Phillies on friday night against the Yanks), we're once again ready to brandish our baseball betting knowledge on you, our humble reader(s).

Tonight we're placing 100 capps on home underdog Micah Owings and the Cincinnati Reds at +140. Though we'd much rather bet on a pitcher named Payings.

Season Total:

8 wagers

-60 capps

And may God bless you as well, Micah. BTW, our name is Rick. No worries.

Fake Baseball Bets #6: Crash and Burn

We lost both bets last night sending us deeper into the abyss at -230 capps. I though we'd get at least one last night, but alas, we suck at this. Tonight we're placing 100 on the Phillies to (finally) end the Yankees winning streak at +170

Fake Baseball Bets #5: This is Hard

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand... this is why we don't bet for real. Last night, we lost both our Rockies and Orioles picks, submarining our total for the year into the red at -30 capps.

But enough of yesterday, this is TODAY dammit! After licking my wounds and glancing over the pitching form (below) we're going back to our old strategy. 100 capps a piece on the homedog Reds with Micah Owings on the hill and the homedog Marlins facing the last place D-Backs. Both bets go off at +120.

Fake Baseball Bets #4: Pay. Me. My. Money.

On Monday we placed two bets:

100 capps on Washburn and the Mariners which we lost

AND

100 capps against Derek Lowe and his face which paid out 200 capps

This Brings the season total after four wagers to +170 capps. Respectable. 

After glancing at today's pitching form (below) we see a lack of home underdogs, the Mariners being the only one, but we're not going down th

at road again so soon. 

Today we're placing another 100 capps on the Rockies playing at Atlanta.  The Braves have not played well at home, and although the Rockies starter is 0-3 he has a decent 3.16 ERA. This bet will pay 170, the second best payout on the board.

We're also going ahead and betting that the Yankees winning streak will come to an end on the arm of Phil Hughes with another 100 capps wagered on the Orioles at +160.

Today in Self-Esteem May 18th

 Two Frowny Faces

We played 18 holes of golf yesterday for the first time in about 10 years.  We've played golf about once a year for the last four years, but always nine, never the full course. On top of this we took A LOT of shots. Like probably between 150 - 175 and that included lots of time-saving cheating. But most people are bad golfers, why the low self-esteem? Because we could barely drag ourselves out of bed this morning. As one who has argued against the strenuous nature of golf in the past, this was a humble, humble morning.

Fake Baseball Bets #3: Packing up the Hatchback and Heading to Vegas

<---The Derek Lowe Face we're hoping to see tonight.

We're coming off a big win thanks to the Pirates dismantling of the Rockies, to bring the season total after two bets to a respectable 70 capps. After glancing at today's pitching form we're thinking Vegas has waaaaay too much respect for Derek Lowe are going to wager 100 capps on the Rockies at +200. 

And to make up for missing yesterday, we're also throwing 100 on Jarrod Washburn and the home underdog Mariners at +130 against the Lackey and the Halos.

Season Tally

Bets: 2

Total Wagered: 150 capps

Winnings: +70 capps

Fake Baseball Bets #2: If at First...

So that didn't work out well, the Nats lost (obviously) by giving up 4 runs in the 10th inning and dropping us into the red at -50 capps. After looking at today's pitching form, we're putting 100 capps on the Pirates at +120. 

Season Total

Total Bets: 1

Total Capps: -50

You Say Tomato I Say The Housing Market's Fine

Hoop recently welcomed us back to blogging and pointed us to this old Kneecapped post (reposted below) and made this comment:

I think we all know how that turned out. Fair and balanced my ass!

Here it is:

Repost from 12/27/06 (Note: Before we used the Royal we)

I don't know who's spinning what, but these two news wires (Yahoo! on top, Fox News below) took the same data and news story and attached completely opposite headlines to them, Fox being more optimistic. READERS NOTE: Please try and ignore the Penis Cartoon/STD story on the Fox wire.

Fake Baseball Bets #1

New feature! 

We're going to place a daily-ish "bet" on a baseball game or two and track it all here for your enjoyment. We're going to bets "capps," fictional dollars, and see where we end up at the end of the season. Here's today's pitching form found on the Post's site.

Our strategy is to find a decent home underdog and bet those games. We also don't bet against our hometown Red Sox. Today, we're not loving the home dogs, but we'll put 50 capps on Lannan and the Nats at +60. Wish us luck.

Earoin - The Field - Yesterday and Today

Have you ever dreamed of blacking out all the windows, moving all the furniture up against the walls, snorting black-tar heroin and then listening to amazing music while lying limp in the middle of the floor? 

Oh, you have! (And thank God for that because that first sentence is one scary cry for help, but now that I have some enablers...) Well, there's some good news for you. In case you happen to be "married" or need to "hold down a steady job" there's an album you can listen to that will give you the same sensation as the above, but without the insanity and drug abuse. It's The Field's new album Yesterday & Today and it's pure, black-tar Earoin (get it?) just shipped in from Sweden. Enjoy.

Today in Self-Esteem

We needed a tuxedo let out for a couple of weddings in the next few weeks. They couldn't do it because of lack of material. We may just have to lose the beer for a fortnight. 

Re-opening Kneecapped

Because what the hell, we're not doing anything else. Kneecapped is back, probably not better than ever, but it's back. A few changes:

We will now only use the Royal pronoun when talking about ourselves. 

Editing is entirely optional. We will no longer painstakingly go over each and every line with a fine toothed comb and fix posts that have already been posted. Once it's up, it's up, warts and all. Unless we opt to fix it, which we won't.

Linking to other blogs in a blogroll, caring about readership, joining "the blogesphere" community - all out.

We will keep tapir talk to a bare minimum 10 posts per week.