A quick question, should I be worried that the Defense Logistics Agency (DLA) Teleprocessing Center visits my site every morning at 7:50 AM? Or should I be flattered? Anyone know what they do over at the DLA, because this just sounds like mumbo jumbo?
If so, please comment or send to kneecapped@gmail.com.
Thanks, although I'm sure I have nothing to worry about from my own government.
Here's an ad I found on Yahoo! today from Lowermybills.com. You may recognize that name as it's usually found in-between a "penile enlargement" and a "nude pictures of Lindsay Lohan" email in your spam folder.
I realize tattoos are all the rage in this "alternative-style-to-look-like-everyone-else" age, but a cartoon needle inking a "Calculate New Payments" tattoo on your arm? It comes across as slightly, if not, obscenely ridiculous. Not to mention sleazy. This is not the place I'd go to sign 30 years of my life away. I don't know, something about it just screams, “predatory lending!”
What's next, a flash animated lip piercing promoting doctors in your area?
Code TV, the “must visit site” of posers, wannabe socialites, and lifestylephiles from coast to coast, hits us with yet another advertisement/review featuring your favorite slow-motion-winking correspondent Pedro Andrade. This time, Pedro visits Bordello, another lounge o’ douche that will probably close in less than a year. Highlights include Pedro’s tip for walking “beautiful” girls into a club, a bobble headed owner who, surprise, doesn’t button his shirt, and a woman screeching like an owl at the sheer sight of Pedro and the prestigious Code.TV crew. Plenty of awkward pauses, bad dancing, posturing, and of course winking, below.
I’m writing today about buybacks, free drinks, comps, or whatever else you call them. A buyback is when you’ve drank a few beers (usually three to four), have tipped for these beers (I’m talking a dollar per drink, minimum,) are in a real bar (not a swanky lounge or some lame place like that,) and the bartender gives you a free beer. Sometimes they knock on the counter and place a new pint of what you ordered; sometimes they’ll just say, “On me.” A nice dive bar I’ve written about turns over a shot glass and stacks it on your tip pile to signify that the next one is “on the house.” It’s a little thank you for the tipping and for spending $5 a beer when you can just walk next door and buy a six pack for $7, okay $10. Buybacks are good business. To make a long definition short, buybacks are fucking fantastic.
apparently we’re shit. I order my sixth beer when Ion orders his fifth. The bartender walks over and says looking to me, “ok I got yours,” turns to Ion, “yours will be five bucks.” Fucking balls. At least he smartened up with me, but the rocks on this fucking guy for not comping my friend at the same time. You need to buy five beers before you get a free drink! You can’t even enjoy a sixth beer. Ion never got his free beer that he earned and deserved, and we left the bar defeated.
Hey mister bartender, I've bought 6 beers without a buyback from you and I now think you are a douchebag. Actually, I thought you were a jerk after 4 beers, but this proves my point.
Not to steal Gawker’s coverage of Pedro Andrade, but I found another Pedro restaurant/bar/club review. Check out his face when, after ordering the Strawberry Grey Martini, he finds out the drink contains not Grey Goose, but gin, the drink of peasants and the inherently un-hip. The “Grey” stands for “Earl Grey” which makes his drink, “taste like the mountains.” But he’s really disappointed, you can tell. He also winks in slo-mo at the camera about 57 times. Enjoy.
It’s not rare to have religious nuts preach to you on the subway, but the man who was harassing us on the bus this morning was a different kind of creature. He had the look of an ex-con who learned his warped evangelicalism in Sing Sing, and his nervous tick said, “I’ll stab everybody in here.”
After sarcastically greeting a Hasidic man with a booming, “Shalom!” he then began his anti-Semitic sermon to his captive parish. He claimed the temple of Israel divided when they didn’t embrace their true ruler, directly asking the Hasidic man if he knew this. This question was met with the man and several others moving away.
He slurred that in his studies he found that humans have been worshipping “female ‘dentities’ like Isis” for centuries and that the anti-Christ would also be a woman. If you want to take bets whether or not he’s right you’re in luck because apparently the anti-Christ has already been conceived by the world, and during the next eight to nine months of the gestation period bad things will happen. If you can find the time to repent during that time frame, Crazy-Ex-Con-Preacher Man suggests you do so.
And with news this morning of Kate Moss being impregnated by Pete Doherty maybe it is time to sneak a few Hail Mary’s into your routine. Don’t say I never did anything for you.
Sorry for the lack of posting and I won’t belittle you with lame excuses like complaining about “working too much” or some dumb shit. I haven’t posted, period. I feel lousy about and I’m sorry.
A few weeks ago I said I was going on a diet: no beer for one month, working out four times a week, and no more cigarettes ever. I also said I would post my progress on this here site. Well, it didn’t work out how I planned. Not only have I not been posting every Friday, but my “diet” failed miserably.
The beer fast lasted, oh, three hours. I went out the night of that post, suckling down those Modelos in the process. The next weekend, I went to the Beer on the Pier which as you may have already guessed consisted of drinking lots and lots of beer. I came to the realization that I can’t get beer out of my life, nor do I want to. Are these the rationalizations of a burgeoning alcoholic? Probably.
The working out didn’t materialize like I’d hoped either. I’ve done yoga twice in the last three weeks, which averages out to .67 times per week, a hair below my goal of 4 times per week. My walk to the subway is a mile long so I do walk 2 miles a day for my commute. Does this sound like the rationalizing of a burgeoning lazy piece of shit? Probably.
And to complete the failure, I've had the occasional cigarette in this time period as well. The smoking I'll quit by purchasing some Nicorette this weekend. It’s the goal I’d like to accomplish most of all. Does this sound like the rationalizations of someone fooling themselves? Probably.
In summation my current condition can still be summarized by this video.
See, I wasn’t kidding when I mentioned (fourth item) my college’s reputation. A degree from UMass doesn't mean what it used, that was the message sent from high above Massachusetts government. Now, it looks to be the end of an era of raging alcohol abuse on the Amherst campus. And it couldn't have happened at a better time, with me a good six years removed from that little town in western Mass, with an student to asshole cop ratio of about 100/1 (Amherst cops are bigger dicks than your average state trooper. I'm a law abiding citizen but my opinion of them will never change.)
The crisp, fall air has filled me with so much joy I haven’t been able to muster any ill-tempered, blog filling pages for your (Geoff’s) reading enjoyment, and for that, I apologize.
When the air is cool and clean, the dog shit frosting the sidewalk along my path to the subway becomes a fun obstacle to skip, hop and dodge. Not a disgusting, rage inducing display of human laziness.
When the leaves start to turn and a sweatshirt becomes mandatory for walking outside, the people who stand unmoving in the subway doors cease to become the loathsome scum they clearly are on warmer days.
But fear not gentle readers, for the winds are blowing from the north, and with it an air so cold and bitter it turns your soul into ice, creating the perfect remedy for my autumnal writers block.
Here’s a video of a giraffe running:
I found this hot off the Yahoo!(one of the most trafficked sites on the web, beacon of information) news wire. Check out the last item, "Hilton, Richie Seen Together at L.A. Steakhouse." Digest this information, take a few minutes, then get back to whatever it was you were doing. That is, if you can. Who'd have thought North Korea would be trumped on its first day as a nuclear power by this startling news? Wowzer. Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton together, at a steakhouse no less.
Unfortunately, I had "whore" and "crack" in the "What Kind of House Will Nicole and Paris Be Seen Together At First?" office pool. Oh well, can't win 'em all. Congrats, Jodi!
I went to the Massive Attack show last night at Roseland and it fucking rocked, hard. I'm lucky I came out alive, what with the seizer inducing light show and heart-stopping bass. At one point , during the encore, with green and white lights flashing brighter than lightning and moving at a frenetic stomach-turning rate, as the hard guitars and bass screamed, I saw groups of people turning away from the stage, staggering out, but that beats throwing up all over a complete stranger or fainting in the middle of a crowed general admission audience. I was almost one of them, but I somehow made it out alive and in one piece.
They played all the songs I wanted to hear, Hymn Of The Big Wheel, Angel, Mezzanine, Rising Son, Butterfly Caught, Karmacoma, Safe From Harm, Unfinished Symphony, Inertia Creeps, I could go on. Horace Andy was in the house, he missed a few shows weeks back when his wife gave birth, his pipes still supporting his unequaled vocal style, even at age 55. That’s a fucking concert if you ask me. If not for the typical lame-ass, too-cool-for-school NYC crowd, the show would have been perfect. Here are some photos taken by my friend, Ion.
3D Shaddow Boxing
Grant "Daddy G" Marshall
Horace Andy
Massive
Attack
Photos courtesy of Ion, All Rights Reserved.
It's the middle of the work week and that means Wiki Wednesday, the poorly conceived and grass growingly dull weekly Kneecapped feature. The last few Wiki Wednesday's have succeeded in detailing the ludicrousness of some Wikipedia entries. Why for example should Earth Worm Jim be immortalized by a 1,000 word Wikipedia entry? The answer is, simply, some people have too much time on their hands, unlike us bloggers. So I mock these people by hitting the "random article" feature five times in a row to see what pointlessness I encounter. This week, however, Wikipedia won the day with several useful entries. On to this weeks articles:
Smoke Not the movie featuring Harvey Keitel, but the actual, "suspension in air (aerosol) of small particles resulting from incomplete combustion of a fuel," kind of smoke. Did you know smoke is sometimes used as a flavor enhancer? Me too. How about that smoke inhalation is the leading cause of death in fires? Me too. So you may not learn much from this entry, but at least it's there in case you forget what that strange ghostlike substance that dangles and dances at the end of a cigarette is.
Helmet Airport Zzzzzzzzz....sorry but I don't care about Canadian airports. This one seems to service an oil field in British Columbia.
Jacqueline Simpson The matriarch of the Texas/Pop Star/Hollywood/Bimbo Simpson family and a part time researcher of folk lore and legend.
Olivett Nazerine University A small liberal arts college in Illinois. I've never heard of it, but Wiki says it’s recognized by U.S. News as a top college, which is why I've probably never heard of it. My school ranked in the top ten on Princeton Review's party colleges list in the categories of pot smoking, beer drinking, students (almost) never study, and ugliest campus. But did the Pixies write a song about your school? Didn't think so, bitches.
And lastly
Danny Kelly He seems like an interesting English media and sports personality, as well as an entrepreneur.
In honor of my job kicking my ass today I give you Daft Punk's "Television Rules The Nation" via youtube
You may have noticed the new color scheme here at Kneecapped. The dark background and light type was really bothering my eyes so I've made the template easier on the corneas, while still maintaining its cutting edge design. The new taupe*(tope) background offers a soothing alternative to the previous navy blue, and notice how it matches the shin bones above. All told, I'm totally pleased with myself.
*The correct spelling, thanks to my know-it-all reader, Geoff.
