Kneecapped's Year That Was - A summary in 12 Parts

So it’s the end of another year. Fan-fucking-tastic! And what better way to celebrate than by recounting the year that was. Since I was the Time person of the year let’s recount my tremendous trip ‘round the sun, a twelve month tour de force certainly worthy of the cover of the top weekly news rag (no one’s made fun of that Time cover yet, right?) The format: I will recap one or two events from each history making month of 2006. A task that, after cutting through the haze of time and alcohol, is harder than it sounds.

January
I was selected as a juror on a horrific case and the defendants tried to escape the courtroom by stabbing their lawyer in the neck and tackling the bailiff. Not the ideal way to start the year, but at least the murderers were convicted a month later.

February
Saw Sammy Hagar perform with Chad Smith at Cabo Wabo in Cabo San Lucas and learned that he still can’t drive 55. Hangover followed.

March
March sucks. It’s by far my least favorite month and it should probably be stricken from the calendar. But since I’m not God…yet (hint, hint Time Magazine) I scanned the deep reaches of my mind and came up with spending St. Patrick’s Day in the fine Irish pub Welcome to the Johnsons. Plus, my NCAA bracket was destroyed after the first day. This is the best I can come up with which is in a nutshell why I hate March.

April
Went to see Ladytron at Irving Plaza. Loved the show, had fun, felt old.

May
Celebrated my first wedding anniversary. “Jodi, they said we couldn’t do it baby but we showed the world!”

June
Moved into a new apartment, began a 30 year journey into debt service.

July

Fell in love with soccer all over again. Is there any doubt that the 2006 World Cup was the event of the year? (This event took place in June as well.)

August
Started a little blog you may have heard about. No, Still haven’t heard about it? Get ready for a big ad campaign in the New Year. A hint, it involves me sitting at a street corner with a cow and a poster of Laura Dern.

September
Saw the Flaming Lips and wanted to punch the dickhead fan who was wearing a giant backpack, chickened out.

October
Didn’t dress up for Halloween for the 7th straight year. A personal highlight.

Almost died at a Massive Attack concert.

November
I met a certain someone who I had been poking fun at on this space, awkwardness followed. If I really wanted to confront these people I wouldn’t have a blog, I’d have courage.

10 year high school reunion.

December
I wrote a narcissistic blog about my award winning year.

Realized I gained about 15 – 20 pounds in 2006. All this after swearing I would jog everyday.

You Say Tomato I Say The Housing Market's Fine

I don't know who's spinning what, but these two news wires (Yahoo! on top, Fox News below) took the same data and news story and attached completely opposite headlines to them, Fox being more optimistic. READERS NOTE: Please try and ignore the Penis Cartoon/STD story on the Fox wire.

Yeah, But Shouldn't The Beautiful Young Actress Be, Well, Beautiful?

Maggie Gyllenhaal is not beautiful as evidenced by this photo where she does her best Olsen twin impression. She looks like my great aunt. See the larger picure here.

Merry Christmas and Other Holiday Cheers

I’d like to wish a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, and Happy Kwanza to all. I hit a wall after my 100th post, but I promise to come back strong, if not next week, in the New Year.

So have you all heard or seen that SNL video "Dick in a Box?" Of course you have it's on every single blog and email sent or posted over the last week. Well, this isn't it, but it has to do with HD TV, my supportive mistress.

Hoop

Geoff are you ever going to update your blog?

Dice-secting the Daisuke Matsuzaka Deal and Calling Mike Greenberg a Douche Bag

For some reason I torture myself every morning by waking up to Mike & Mike in the Morning on ESPN radio. Mike Greenberg’s hyperbole and Mike Golic’s stammering do not make for an enjoyable wake up call, but it beats the shrieking high pitched alarm, barely. Anyway, earlier this week the show was having Scott Boras on as a guest. In typical ESPN ass kiss fashion Greenie was repeating all morning that Boras was "playing the Red Sox like a fiddle" going as far as calling him Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof. Needless to say this pissed me off; the fact the Greenie was calling my home team suckers while at the same time sucking up to one of the most reprehensible characters in all of sports turned my stomach. He was being a bigger douche than normal and that's saying something.*

Today brings good news, however. Daisuke “Dice-K” Matsuzaka is all but signed (pending a physical) for the sum of $52 million over 6 years ($8.7 million per) including escalator clauses that quite frankly I hope he reaches (because they kick in if he finishes high in Cy Young and MVP voting) that could boost the contract to an average of about $10 million per year. The Red Sox initially offered $8 million a year and ended up signing him for 8.7 million per year. In comparison, Gil Meche, he of the a career ERA of 4.65, was just signed for $11 million dollars per year.

The Dice-K deal with the posting fee included averages out to over $17 million per year. No small potatoes to be sure, but that’s the kind of money Boras was initially hoping to sign Matsuzaka for, not $8.6 million. Boras had said he wasn’t going to consider the posting fee in his negotiations, clearly he had to. Other than over bidding the posting fee by $10 million the Dice-K deal couldn’t have worked out any better for the Sox.

So, Mike “Greenie” Greenberg, can we hear more about this fiddle that Boras was supposedly playing the Red Sox like because the music I hear sounds like the Sox got exactly the deal they wanted.

*(via Deadspin)

Yeah, But Who Cares About Marc Bulger?

I'm no expert like the guys at say, ESPN, but I'm pretty sure that's not Marc Bulger:

Anyone know who that is standing in for Bulger? He looks really familiar, but I can't place it.

Here's everyone's favorite slightly above average NFL QB:

The Russian Spy Case Just Got a Little Hipper

This link on the Yahoo! wire caught my eye:

Interpol is on the case! Now, I'm no genius but I'm pretty sure Interpol and their brand of New-New Wave melancholy-pop-rock are just the people to bring the sinister powers behind the Russian spy assassination to their knees.

Wow, that didn't take long. Here's Interpol moving in standard two-by-two cover formation. The group walks the beat, taking names, searching for clues, and looking stylish.

Shame, shame, shame. No rest for the weary, boys. There's a killer on the loose.No, sadly the killer is not in Williamsburg. Spread your wings Interpol the world anxiously awaits your findings!"They Caught This Killer with New-New-Wave-Melancholy-Pop Rock n' Roll!"
Writer's block makes you crazy.

Look-A-Like Sundays

My Success Got The Best of Me

It was the week of 11/26 and Kneecapped was averaging 24 visits per day and climbing. I had cornered the market on Jessica Simpson Direct TV and animal sex searches. My blog was linked to two porn sites because of my riveting tapir post. Kneecapped was about to blow up and take over the blogsphere. Needless to say, I was on top of the world. So what do I do? I don’t post for five days and ruin everything. Site visits plummeted from 24 to 21 per day, and you know what? I deserve it.

I abandoned you, my audience, my fans, my loyal servants. They say “leave people wanting more” but I‘ve traveled way beyond that. You my readers, began by simply wanting more, but soon, around Monday night or so, you began needing more. This of course led to that depression you felt around Tuesday afternoon which quickly morphed into the anger that enveloped you late Tuesday night. There was no sign that Kneecapped would ever be updated again and you wanted to hit something or someone. I’m writing here to apologize for putting you through that emotional rollercoaster.

So, Geoff, Ion, Jonah, Irene, Jodi, Tapir Sex Search Guy, and the tens of people around the country who stumble upon my blog every single day, I’m sorry. Please for give me, and keep coming back because things around here can only get better.

Tapir Sex is the New People Sex

A popular gimmick (although gimmick is too harsh a word, really) used by many bloggers in the Gawker Blog Pack is to write about funny searches that lead people to your blog. I’m not criticizing it (and I’d recommend checking out those links) I’m just making an observation.

I too, have done it. I’ve written about my current Google position for “Jessica Simpson Direct TV commercial” searches which is currently #3 and is responsible for about 50% of my web hits at the moment. I’ve had some other interesting searches such as “exploding dog” and a disturbing search for “slitting your wrists” that have lead to Kneecapped, but nothing that’s been funny enough to warrant a whole post. That is until today.

This morning while checking out my Sitemeter I started laughing like a madman in my empty apartment after seeing that this search directed some deranged Aussie web-surfer to my site:

“tapir zoo sex fucking free images”

What in the name of fuck?

Tapir sex photos! And free ones at that! Shit, man, if you want to see pictures of tapirs getting it on you’re going to have to pay for that shit. People don’t just post free pictures of tapirs fucking. That shit is gold and is sold to the highest bidder or anyone with a C.C. billing account. The internet isn’t just some den of free animal pornography. It's a research tool, not something to be used for your warped tapir sex fetish.

He must be an ass man.

For more on tapirs check this post.